I'm doing good with food.. Already lost some weight - and I think my goal for this week is not that far off.. But the rest of me isn't doing so well.. I had a nice chat with Christina yesterday and she really cheered me up (Thanks a whole lot love).. But I went pretty fast down again..
Yesterday we talked a little about our past - our families and the relationship with our mum.. And I probably have talked about this before - but I think I maybe need to talk about it again.
My issues with food started at a very early age.. I started hiding, overeating around age of 6-7 when my step dad told me that I was fat.. He told me that I would never find a husband being this fat.. He then started taking over food when I was eating - or forcing me to eat things I didn't like to put me off food. So every time I got the change I overate.. I was forced to exercise, join an aerobic class right after.. I guess he was ashamed of having a fatty around..
Want to hear the "fun" side of this story? - I was pretty skinny as a child..
Back then we used to live in Iran.. My family had some issues cause they converted from being muslim to Christians.. And that the fact that my gandpa used to be the police chief of Tehran back before the revulotion in Iran.. So my step dad - and mum wanted us to move out of Iran..
My mum and I. We never were that close.. I don't remember her hugging me - or saying things like she loved me.. She got me pretty young - and my dad died right before I was born.. So from a pretty young age, she made sure to tell me how unwanted I was.. How she wished she could go back in time and take that abortion..
Anywho.. When I was around 10 - she moved to Norway.. She was then pregnant with my youngest step sister - and the middle one was 5 and she moved to Norway with her. I was then left behind to live with my step dad.. Who pretty fast started to rape and abuse me.. Saying things like my body looking like my mothers - and how we were the same.. I got to move to Norway based on a family renunion right before I turned 13.. New country.. New people.. I was so damaged.. I had gained alot of weight during my time with my step dad - cause that was the only thing I thought would make him stay away from me..
Funny how he loved my body turning into a womans body, instead of a small girl.. I guess he didn't feel as "guilty" then - if he ever did feel guilty..
I moved to my own place right before I turned 16.. During those years - my mum and I got even further apart.. When I tried to tell her about the rape - she said it was my own fault.. When I tried to talk to her, she was busy.. Or didn't want to. I remember this one episode when she asked me to do something - something random like "clean your room" - and i wanted to watch the tv show I was watching - and she actually pulled out a kitchen knife - and well lets put it this way.. I ran to my room, and locked the door and she kept stabbing the door.. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if she had gotten to me..
So I moved.. Couple years later - when I turned 18 - I moved out of the town where she lived.. I didn't talk to her for years..
One of my many ex's ment I should contact them - cause "you only have one family" .. I think I was around 22 when I talked to her..
She has no clue about how my life was during those years.. And I can tell you that - it wasn't easy.. Those were some of my selfharm years of cutting and such.. But after this - we had a "good" phone relationship..
We would talk from time to time - she would tell me about her issues - worries ect.. Very shallow this relationship of ours..
I don't if I have mentioned it - but I still can't go there - her house.. Everytime I do - I end up being depressed for weeks..
And now.. I dunno really.. I am a grown up.. And i guess I did forgave her over the years.. But sometimes I wonder.. I wonder how my life would be if she actually made me feel like she cares..
I think - one of the reasons for my depression has been her last comment.. You remember the post about my sister.. She then told me that I should get help to deal with my anger issues.. And you know what ? - The thing I don't understand is why she always blames me.. My anger issues...
Sometimes I so want to tell her that my anger issues are the smallest part of my issues..
I do wonder if maybe I should go talk to someone.. About all of this.. But then we have the trust issues.. No body reall understands unless they have lived it .. Do they?...
I feel like I am falling.. I have had to take a break from my desk and rush to the bathroom cause I suddenly was bursting into tears the last couple of days..
What the hell am I supposed to do? At the moment.. I feel like the only thing I can trust again - is food.. Eating it--- Not eating it-- Numbers...
Does it make sense?
I know that my life has shaped me to who I am today - and that is the reason why I am "strong" - why I can always digg my self out of every thing.. I have done it several times before.. But sometimes.. Just for a little moment.. I wish I could have been "normal" ...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call my mum and talk to her just to talk.. Not out of duty..
I wish I could just open up and trust people.. Make friends without being a "wall" ... Without having to put up the face of being this strong girl - who isn't effected by anyones words..
Sometimes.. I wish this was all just a dream.. That I could one day wake up and it all would be just a bad dream...
Anywho.. Thanks for reading.. And believing in me and my goals.. Thanks for being there when I don't really feel like I have anyone else..
Loads of love..