I'm doing good with food.. Already lost some weight - and I think my goal for this week is not that far off.. But the rest of me isn't doing so well.. I had a nice chat with Christina yesterday and she really cheered me up (Thanks a whole lot love).. But I went pretty fast down again..
Yesterday we talked a little about our past - our families and the relationship with our mum.. And I probably have talked about this before - but I think I maybe need to talk about it again.
My issues with food started at a very early age.. I started hiding, overeating around age of 6-7 when my step dad told me that I was fat.. He told me that I would never find a husband being this fat.. He then started taking over food when I was eating - or forcing me to eat things I didn't like to put me off food. So every time I got the change I overate.. I was forced to exercise, join an aerobic class right after.. I guess he was ashamed of having a fatty around..
Want to hear the "fun" side of this story? - I was pretty skinny as a child..
Back then we used to live in Iran.. My family had some issues cause they converted from being muslim to Christians.. And that the fact that my gandpa used to be the police chief of Tehran back before the revulotion in Iran.. So my step dad - and mum wanted us to move out of Iran..
My mum and I. We never were that close.. I don't remember her hugging me - or saying things like she loved me.. She got me pretty young - and my dad died right before I was born.. So from a pretty young age, she made sure to tell me how unwanted I was.. How she wished she could go back in time and take that abortion..
Anywho.. When I was around 10 - she moved to Norway.. She was then pregnant with my youngest step sister - and the middle one was 5 and she moved to Norway with her. I was then left behind to live with my step dad.. Who pretty fast started to rape and abuse me.. Saying things like my body looking like my mothers - and how we were the same.. I got to move to Norway based on a family renunion right before I turned 13.. New country.. New people.. I was so damaged.. I had gained alot of weight during my time with my step dad - cause that was the only thing I thought would make him stay away from me..
Funny how he loved my body turning into a womans body, instead of a small girl.. I guess he didn't feel as "guilty" then - if he ever did feel guilty..
I moved to my own place right before I turned 16.. During those years - my mum and I got even further apart.. When I tried to tell her about the rape - she said it was my own fault.. When I tried to talk to her, she was busy.. Or didn't want to. I remember this one episode when she asked me to do something - something random like "clean your room" - and i wanted to watch the tv show I was watching - and she actually pulled out a kitchen knife - and well lets put it this way.. I ran to my room, and locked the door and she kept stabbing the door.. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if she had gotten to me..
So I moved.. Couple years later - when I turned 18 - I moved out of the town where she lived.. I didn't talk to her for years..
One of my many ex's ment I should contact them - cause "you only have one family" .. I think I was around 22 when I talked to her..
She has no clue about how my life was during those years.. And I can tell you that - it wasn't easy.. Those were some of my selfharm years of cutting and such.. But after this - we had a "good" phone relationship..
We would talk from time to time - she would tell me about her issues - worries ect.. Very shallow this relationship of ours..
I don't if I have mentioned it - but I still can't go there - her house.. Everytime I do - I end up being depressed for weeks..
And now.. I dunno really.. I am a grown up.. And i guess I did forgave her over the years.. But sometimes I wonder.. I wonder how my life would be if she actually made me feel like she cares..
I think - one of the reasons for my depression has been her last comment.. You remember the post about my sister.. She then told me that I should get help to deal with my anger issues.. And you know what ? - The thing I don't understand is why she always blames me.. My anger issues...
Sometimes I so want to tell her that my anger issues are the smallest part of my issues..
I do wonder if maybe I should go talk to someone.. About all of this.. But then we have the trust issues.. No body reall understands unless they have lived it .. Do they?...
I feel like I am falling.. I have had to take a break from my desk and rush to the bathroom cause I suddenly was bursting into tears the last couple of days..
What the hell am I supposed to do? At the moment.. I feel like the only thing I can trust again - is food.. Eating it--- Not eating it-- Numbers...
Does it make sense?
I know that my life has shaped me to who I am today - and that is the reason why I am "strong" - why I can always digg my self out of every thing.. I have done it several times before.. But sometimes.. Just for a little moment.. I wish I could have been "normal" ...
I wish I could pick up the phone and call my mum and talk to her just to talk.. Not out of duty..
I wish I could just open up and trust people.. Make friends without being a "wall" ... Without having to put up the face of being this strong girl - who isn't effected by anyones words..
Sometimes.. I wish this was all just a dream.. That I could one day wake up and it all would be just a bad dream...
Anywho.. Thanks for reading.. And believing in me and my goals.. Thanks for being there when I don't really feel like I have anyone else..
Loads of love..
<3
Aw Kitty, it does make sense, a lot. I think you should talk to someone professional. This baggage is too big and heavy for you to carry it alone. I know you're strong and you've dug your way out of pits before, but it's so easy to fall back again if the issues and feelings aren't dealt with properly. If you don't click with the person you chose to talk with, then it's okay to find another one, and another, until you find the person that's the right one to help you. It's going to be difficult, and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, but when it gets better it's going to be worth it. Much love, stor klem xx
ReplyDeleteKitty I am very sorry you had to go though all of that as a child. My mom was not the best mom either. I try hard to show and tell my children how much I love them and want them around just so that is one issue they may never have to deal with. Of course talking to someone would help alot but again like you said who do you trust. Maybe call the consoling center in your office get an appointment and just tell them look this is going to take awhile, hell who knows maybe something will click sooner than later and you can get some of that out and not play the food number game. Keep posting on here also if you need to we would love to be your support. Thanks for the beautiful comment on my blog. take care.
ReplyDeleteah. i know those days. like things are just piling on your shoulders, and feel light for a minute, then crash down again. fuck them.
ReplyDeleteoh, baby...i'm so sorry for that.
i think psychologically because being 'thin' is subconsciously associated with being 'fragile and weak', thus exposed to them, but gaining weight provides security and food provides that comfort that people don't show.
how is it your fault?
that is just...disgusting...*horrified*
i have no words for this.
oh my God.
oh my baby. i'm so sorry your childhood was so corrupted.
anger issues. damn. damn them. >_>
food is our method of control. it's just always been that way. *sigh softly*
ah. don't we all, sweetie? but normalcy itself is boring. we live a life full of events. c:
always believe in your goals, beautiful. <3
-Sam Lupin
Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You should have never been made to feel too fat or unloved and you certainly did not deserve abuse. I think it could really help to see a therapist to talk out your feelings. Someone trained who you can tell all that to face to face objectively. It's so terrible that you went through all that but like you said; it made you strong...and gave you some issues that you are still dealing with. Feel better and talk to someone if you can.
ReplyDeleteKitty, that woman doesn't deserve to have a wonderful daughter like you. My mom made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of horrible things, but blaming me for being the victim of sexual abuse wasn't one of them. I can't even imagine... and makes me sick. I have lost friends whose mothers wouldn't take the same stand that mine did. It would be totally fair of you to cut her back out of your life if there comes a point where it is necessary for your own well-being. She has been no mother to you; you have no duty to her.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is time to talk to a professional. Believe me, I know it's terrifying. I want to be plunging into those same waters here once I'm securely employed. Sleepwalker is right - you test the waters, if you don't like someone, don't go back. Move on, keep looking. There will be someone out there who can help.
You ARE strong, but that doesn't mean you need to go it alone.
*hugs* uve been thru so much my dear, u rly are so strong. rape could never be the victim's fault, i think ur mother just has her own issues and ppl can b exceptionally selfish. me too, sometimes i just randomly burst into tears out of nowhere...therapy did help a lot and I was put on Prozac for a little bit (med) but stopped taking it, however I have heard if it helps ur moods, the emotional overeating really does stop because ur emotions will be in control. Regardless dear, u r loved dearly, take care<3
ReplyDeleteJust in response to your comment; I know, I know (.__.) I know what to do in order to have a healthy weight loss, I know the maths behind it, I know the work, I know the food - it's just so hard sticking to it. I've constantly got this voice in my head nagging me, you know, you can do this better, faster, just don't eat, work out, don't eat. It's tiring. I'm curious of these fat burners and diet pill thingies...I wasn't thinking anything as serious as ephedrine though, my normal pulse is way too high for anything 'speed - related', I just know I'd get a heart attack first time I tried it. I don't know. Thanks though :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you the biggest hug and give you a shoulder to lean on. I feel for you. I've had some similar experiences- not as bad! but I can relate. I know it feels like no-one will understand but the thing is they don't need to to be able to help you. You are such a lovely soul, you deserve to be happy- getting some help might be the best thing for you right now. Why not try talking to someone? the worst thing that could happen is you don't like them and don't go back!
ReplyDeleteI get that controlling your food feels like it will help but you don't want to sink deeper into disordered eating, please remember you deserve health- you deserve the best nourishing food.
I hope you feel better soon xxxxxxxxxx
I enjoyed our chat, thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI'm always there if you want to talk.
xx
I am so sorry about what happened to you, your mother should have protected you and she didn't. she failed as a parent, and you paid the consequences for that, but I think at the very least it will ensure you will make a great mother, because you have such an excellent example of what not to do... I understand the ED being based off of abuse, you were just trying to protect yourself and unfortunately the habits we pick up from childhood are the hardest to let go of. My eating habits are also a direct result of what happened to me. About talking to someone, I've had bad experiences before with "professionals", but Julien is actually kind of decent, he mostly listens, and it is such a relief to tell the secrets I have carried with me for so many years to someone... just talking about it makes me feel better. So it's tricky but once you find the right person, then it's worth it I feel...
ReplyDeleteanyway, you are not alone Kitty, we are all here for you, and we understand what you are going through, we're with you all the way! xxx