I had a really bad night after my horrid day yesterday.. I went home and did a whole lot of cooking (that is my way to relax) - so now hubby has a bunch of proper and healthy food for his lunches at work.. Then I watched princess and the frog (Cartoons always get me in a better mood) - and I felt much better. Then we hit the sack - talked and was ready to go to sleep... I am pretty good dealing with my pains- but yesterday was kind of bad- and by the time the lights were off- and I was trying to get some sleep.. I just got more and more frustrated.
My right knee was aching really bad- I could chew off my arms to get rid of the pain.. And then in the middle of the night. I started crying.. I cried- and cried and cried.. I think I was crying for an hour or so...
I cried cause I was in pain.. Not only on the outside- but also the inside.. I was hurting cause I know the my knee hurting like this is most likely cause of my weight. I know that if I get lighter- It will be so much easier on my joints.. I cried cause I have let it go this far- cause I keep disappointing my self.
Cause this year is almost over - and yet again I have not lost any weight.. I managed to get my self 14 lbs heavier than I had every been before. But that is that.. I think I have given my self way too many chances to fuck up.. I have given my self way too many excuses.
I am done planning and failing cause I just talk.. From today I will just do... I will practice self control. And I make the right choices. It is not like I do not know HOW to do this shit.. I just never do it..
I know I said this before - but this time I mean it.. I am not gonna go into details of what I am going to do - I just know I am going to count everything and stop at the bite that is my limit.
There is one thing I can promise though.. I am done disappointing my self..
<3
PS: @ Miranda: His family lives here.. His grandparents going to be living like 2 mins walk away from our new flat.. But you are right.. I am going to stop letting them stress me - and stand up for us.. Thanks :) <3
Sorry to hear you had such a rough night sweetie, sending virtual *hugs* your way. I know you really want to do this and you have the strength to do it, you just gotta find it and hold onto it. Baby steps, remember ;-)
ReplyDeleteLove AJ xx
You want the pain to get better so you will do what you need to do. You are not happy with your body and only you can change it. But you know that. Get tough with yourself. It's the only way. You can do it. I wish cooking relaxed me. Then, I could provide nice lunches for my husband too. And dinner. But it feels like work to me.
ReplyDeleteare you still using myfitnesspal? I'm only using it to log exercise since I'm not counting calories anymore but if you're on there I'll add you!!
ReplyDeleteJust stay strong, and keep the reasons why you want to do this in mind. And like you said, just do it. And it's hard, and frustrating but you can do it! <3
I'm here to support you! xoxo
Hi Kitty, sorry to see you've been stressed out with so much going on in work, family, friends, & self. I read a bit ago that you're considering seeing a therapist and it could definitely help (I'm near that decision myself, once I find employment) I'd love the hospital soup recipe you mentioned, if you're able to dig it up.
ReplyDeleteEvery day is a new chance to make decisions that lead toward the life you want - you CAN do this!