My mind is in a pretty bad place lately.. Mia has been taking over pretty bad and been controlling. I have been purging every little thing I eat.. And it's really taking its toll on me and everything that is happening. I haven't been able to enjoy the wedding details.. I have been having moodswings from hell.. I am snapping at my fiance all the time.. I barely talk to my coworkers. I think my body image is even more fucked up than it has ever been.
I have been reading and updating my self on too many ana- mia blog/books. I am comparring my self more and more to the people around me and I am hating my self. This shit, combined with the fact that I really miss my friends.. I am really fucked up... Or maybe I am doing this to my self?? I don't know anymore..
I don't feel like I can be open to my fiance, cause I never think he will understand.. I can't tell any of my friends about whats going on. I have a couple that know that I have "issues" but none really understand. He still thinks it's just a phase.. And maybe it should be.
I think I have lost my self in the "blog world" .. And that maybe party cause of that I am losing my self in the real world. And srsly.. I am too old for that.. I have always been so proud of being strong, surviving all the shit that life has been tossing at me. Just dealing with it, and mostly comming stronger out of it.. But I don't know.. After the last bad relationship I had.. Stuff just got messed up. I lost me.. I started finding my way back to me slowly after a while.. And suddenly it all just stopped.. And I crashed.. And well here I am.
I got a couple of comments on this post about how I should stop putting my self down comparing my self to others.. And ya I guess I don't need to starve or stop eating to get skinny. I just need to focus on being healthy. Stop binging... Stop purging... Go to the gym cause it's fun and not cause I have to.
I still want to get skinny.. I still want to lose the fat.. But I think I need to change my focus, and do this the "right" way. It might take longer but I guess that's the only way the weight will be off forever. I need to change my mind about food- diets and everything around it.
So from this day on that is where my focus will be. I am going to stop updating me on every single ana/mia blog there is.. I am gonna start taking care of my self.. And hopefully I will start liking my self again.
So this blog is going to change abit. This will be more about the new direction I am taking on my way to become healthy. I am going to find my way back to my passions.. My love for fashion.. Dancing.. The man who loves me no matter how I look, or how much I snap at him.. I have so much to live for.. And so much to be happy about.
No more insane diets.. No more mia.. I really hope I can do this..
Oh and I'm sorry that it seems like I keep changing my mind about what I want every other minute.. This one I will stick to. I promise..