I am going to take down the intake calories to 899 per day. And I HAVE TO get to the gym and burn off some calories..
Anyways.. I'm not in the best mood today.. So I'm off for now.
Lunch time now. It's been a "no" day so far. I skipped the work breakfast ( we have them every Thursday". And I am "skipping" lunch, I am having a protein shake instead.
I have been thinking a whole lot today. Maybe a tad too much. I have always said I don't want to be a fat bride, But atm it seems like that is what I am going to be. I know its still 9 weeks away but I can't really get that much smaller. Anyways.. I don't really know if the "healthy" way is really working for me. I don't really think it has been that healthy. I know I should be patient and just take it slow, but that is not who I am. I have never been patient.. Ever.. There are so many things I want to do. I have so many wishes, and there are so many things I want to change about my life. About me.
Most of it have been on hold cause I feel like I am too fat to do them. I can become a PT or what ever when I'm fatter than fat now, can I?
I am starting to believe that being hungry, restrict, and just get rid of most of the weight can't hurt. I mean how can it? I normally get used to being hungry after a week or two. So I just need to keep it together for two weeks tops.
I have DL'ed this application on my phone. It's called "MyFitnessPal" .. It has a "normal" site as well that you can use on the pc, and it just syncs it. So I am removing the "food diary page" and will hold the overview there. Anyhow... I need to go back to planning all my meals and restricting properly cause I just can not see all this flab anymore.. I just can't.. I hate it.. I hate what my body looks like.. I hate how HUGE my upper arms are.. I hate how I feel like everytime I get undressed and my BF is around.. I hate that I can't wear any nice cloths.. I hate that I have God knows how many pairs of shoes and can't wear most of them cause I am too fat to walk on high heels for more than few mins.
I hate how I have to always always always always hide my body cause it is so big and so huge and so ugly so people wont be sick looking at me.. I hate the fact that my bf is more than 20 cm longer than me and weights more than 30 kgs less. I shouldn't be bigger than him.. I shouldn't weight more than him..I just shouldn't.. I hate, hate, hate that I feel like I am going to crush him if I get on his lap.. I hate it.. But instead of keep on the low calorie diet and get my fat ass, no wait.. My fat EVERYTHING to the gym, I decide to "get healthy"?? WTH.. How can I be fucking healthy if I have a BMI that is over 40??? I will think about getting healthy when it's under 25..
I am not only fat.. Or obese... I am waaaay past that.. And here I am thinking about eating.. Wtf heh.. I just don't want to be like this anymore.. I don't want to.. I know.. I am probably having a breakdown or whatever cause of the "gain" but I just can't take it anymore. I have had enough of me. I am just going to it no matter what it takes.. No binging.. No purging.. I am actually going to hit the gym 5 times a week and not just say I will..
*sigh* I am just so sick of all of this.. And the fucking constant war in my brain.. I am just so tired..