I have gained weight.. It is "only" 0.6 lbs.. But still.. WTF???
I am going to take down the intake calories to 899 per day. And I HAVE TO get to the gym and burn off some calories..

Anyways.. I'm not in the best mood today.. So I'm off for now.


Lunch time now. It's been a "no" day so far. I skipped the work breakfast ( we have them every Thursday". And I am "skipping" lunch, I am having a protein shake instead.
I have been thinking a whole lot today. Maybe a tad too much. I have always said I don't want to be a fat bride, But atm it seems like that is what I am going to be. I know its still 9 weeks away but I can't really get that much smaller. Anyways.. I don't really know if the "healthy" way is really working for me. I don't really think it has been that healthy. I know I should be patient and just take it slow, but that is not who I am. I have never been patient.. Ever.. There are so many things I want to do. I have so many wishes, and there are so many things I want to change about my life. About me.
Most of it have been on hold cause I feel like I am too fat to do them. I can become a PT or what ever when I'm fatter than fat now, can I?
I am starting to believe that being hungry, restrict, and just get rid of most of the weight can't hurt. I mean how can it? I normally get used to being hungry after a week or two. So I just need to keep it together for two weeks tops.
I have DL'ed this application on my phone. It's called "MyFitnessPal" .. It has a "normal" site as well that you can use on the pc, and it just syncs it. So I am removing the "food diary page" and will hold the overview there. Anyhow... I need to go back to planning all my meals and restricting properly cause I just can not see all this flab anymore.. I just can't.. I hate it.. I hate what my body looks like.. I hate how HUGE my upper arms are.. I hate how I feel like everytime I get undressed and my BF is around.. I hate that I can't wear any nice cloths.. I hate that I have God knows how many pairs of shoes and can't wear most of them cause I am too fat to walk on high heels for more than few mins.
I hate how I have to always always always always hide my body cause it is so big and so huge and so ugly so people wont be sick looking at me.. I hate the fact that my bf is more than 20 cm longer than me and weights more than 30 kgs less. I shouldn't be bigger than him.. I shouldn't weight more than him..I just shouldn't.. I hate, hate, hate that I feel like I am going to crush him if I get on his lap.. I hate it.. But instead of keep on the low calorie diet and get my fat ass, no wait.. My fat EVERYTHING to the gym, I decide to "get healthy"?? WTH.. How can I be fucking healthy if I have a BMI that is over 40??? I will think about getting healthy when it's under 25..
I am not only fat.. Or obese... I am waaaay past that.. And here I am thinking about eating.. Wtf heh.. I just don't want to be like this anymore.. I don't want to.. I know.. I am probably having a breakdown or whatever cause of the "gain" but I just can't take it anymore. I have had enough of me. I am just going to it no matter what it takes.. No binging.. No purging.. I am actually going to hit the gym 5 times a week and not just say I will.. 

*sigh* I am just so sick of all of this.. And the fucking constant war in my brain.. I am just so tired..


  1. i use myfitnesspal as well, i really like it. And don't worry about gaining a little, it will come off, just keep working hard, and don't give up, the war will end once you are skinny, and you WILL be skinny!!

  2. I love calorie tracking as well. It keeps me on track. You just have to get to that trigger point where you say I MUST DO THIS AND I WILL DO IT and then do it. You can change your body if you put your mind to it. Think about your wedding day and how you want to feel. Just do your best and I know you can do it. I won't lie. It's HARD! But it's worth it.

  3. Oh trust me I have had it.. Thanks.. I will do my best.
    and ya.. I hope the "war" in my head will be over soon.. I really dont know how long I can go on like this..
    thanks for the support girls.. I really need it.