This is probably something most of you guys don't need to think about- either cause you aren't overweight, or cause you aren't planning to have a baby.
I do want the time with my fiance to just be lovers and hang, but the fact is that I do want to have a baby. Specially when he brings it up- or when I see my bff's son- which is the most charming cutie ever..
I am also not that "young" anymore. I am turning 29 in less than 2 months and ya.. I do want a baby.. But no matter how badly I want it there is this major fact that as a overweight pregnant woman I will put my self and my baby in risk.
I know that being underweight can cause the same and some times more issues- but that is not something I need to think about. I am not or have ever been underweight. I have been overweight since I was around 10. I have mentioned the reason why in one of my earlier post- and I am not sure I want to go into details about it just right now. It doesn't matter really. The point is that I have been overweight for almost 2/3 of my life.
Do I wish to keep living like this? No..
Do I want this for my kids? No..
Am I scared of fucking up their life as I have done with mine? Yes..
Do I think about how my eating behaviours can effect them? Way too many time..
Do I want my kids to know about my issues with mia?? Never..
I know that what I am thinking about doing to lose the weight is a very solid and good way of doing it.. And I do know that I WILL make it happen.. But I am so sad.. So sad cause of the fact that I have let this go so far.. The fact that I have to stop and say "No.. I can not think about having a baby cause I am afraid of it being ill because of my weight" really really really breaks my heart.
I don't think I am out of those risks before I enter a normal BMI range.. Which is around 90 lbs away.. Oh wow.. That is a big number. Very very big.. Thinking about that number makes me feel so weak.. I guess I'll just have to stop thinking about it then- and just get rid of it.
Every day I put off doing this- is a day lost. My blog title says "Restrict your eating instead of your living".. I believe in that.. Why don't I do it? Don't get me wrong,. I do want to.. And I will. I just don't understand why I haven't done that yet.
I got engaged in October. I have had almost a year to do this. I knew I had the wedding... I knew I didn't want to be a fat bride. And guys.. That is exactly what I am going to be.
I am sure I will look pretty. I am sure things will be perfect.. But imagine the difference it would have made.. Being skinny... Feeling proud of what I have done.. But hay.. I guess there is no point of thinking about that either.
Thanks you so much for your really kind words. I just hope that I will have a body to match the "pretty" face sooner rather than later.
Dearest AJ.. The wedding is on the 30th of July. That is just a couple days over two weeks from now.
Again thank you all for reading and for being the best readers.. <3
I am gonna be off now before I get too emo at work.. lol