Some personal rant about my insane fright of getting pregnant while being so overweight...

This is probably something most of you guys don't need to think about- either cause you aren't overweight, or cause you aren't planning to have a baby.
I do want the time with my fiance to just be lovers and hang, but the fact is that I do want to have a baby. Specially when he brings it up- or when I see my bff's son- which is the most charming cutie ever..
I am also not that "young" anymore. I am turning 29 in less than 2 months and ya.. I do want a baby.. But no matter how badly I want it there is this major fact that as a overweight pregnant woman I will put my self and my baby in risk.
I know that being underweight can cause the same and some times more issues- but that is not something I need to think about. I am not or have ever been underweight.  I have been overweight since I was around 10. I have mentioned the reason why in one of my earlier post- and I am not sure I want to go into details about it just right now. It doesn't matter really. The point is that I have been overweight for almost 2/3 of my life.
Do I wish to keep living like this? No..
Do I want this for my kids? No..
Am I scared of fucking up their life as I have done with mine? Yes..
Do I think about how my eating behaviours can effect them? Way too many time..
Do I want my kids to know about my issues with mia?? Never..
I know that what I am thinking about doing to lose the weight is a very solid and good way of doing it.. And I do know that I WILL make it happen.. But I am so sad.. So sad cause of the fact that I have let this go so far.. The fact that I have to stop and say "No.. I can not think about having a baby cause I am afraid of it being ill because of my weight" really really really breaks my heart.
I don't think I am out of those risks before I enter a normal BMI range.. Which is around 90 lbs away.. Oh wow.. That is a big number. Very very big.. Thinking about that number makes me feel so weak.. I guess I'll just have to stop thinking about it then- and just get rid of it.
Every day I put off doing this- is a day lost. My blog title says "Restrict your eating instead of your living".. I believe in that.. Why don't I do it? Don't get me wrong,. I do want to.. And I will. I just don't understand why I haven't done that yet.
I got engaged in October. I have had almost a year to do this. I knew I had the wedding... I knew I didn't want to be a fat bride. And guys.. That is exactly what I am going to be.
I am sure I will look pretty. I am sure things will be perfect.. But imagine the difference it would have made.. Being skinny... Feeling proud of what I have done.. But hay.. I guess there is no point of thinking about that either.
Thanks you so much for your really kind words. I just hope that I will have a body to match the "pretty" face sooner rather than later.

Dearest AJ.. The wedding is on the 30th of July. That is just a couple days over two weeks from now.

Again thank you all for reading and for being the best readers.. <3

I am gonna be off now before I get too emo at work.. lol


  1. Oh sweetie I wanna give you a hug. You will be a beautiful bride and have a fantastic day - it's so close now! - and then you can focus on getting yourself into a place where you are comfortable having a baby. Don't beat yourself up about age or the time that has passed. Your time is now, it is a really special goal and all the motivation anyone could need.

    Love AJ xx

  2. You can so do it if you want to. I agree it's best to be at a healthy weight before you have one and that should be the best motivation ever. It's not too late to get into gear and lose it.

  3. No kidding! My friend is also getting married that day! :)

    And hey, you're trying to turn your life around now, and if you keep going you will be able to raise your kids to be healthy. And even if your ana, mia or what ever, your husband-to-be is not, right?

    Focus on your big day now, try not to overeat in all the stress and then get back to losing weight and thinking about kids when it's done. I bet you dont need more stress right now..

    I belive in you <3

  4. You can do it :)
    You are going to be a gorgeous bride!!
    And don't worry about kids so much! Lots of people don't have kids till they are in their thirties nowadays!

  5. I'm not in exactly the same place as you (~2 years younger and nowhere near marriage), but I share a lot of your fears. I don't want to have a child while I'm unhealthy. I don't want to have a child and model self-hatred and bad eating. I don't want to run out of time to have kids.

    But you have a lot of things going for you. I'm a nursing student, and what I've been taught is that having kids isn't really a concern until you're 35, and isn't a huge concern until you're over 40. That means you have around 5 years to take care of yourself and make just-us memories with hubby.

    90 pounds is daunting, but you didn't get to that weight overnight, and reversing it will be a slow process too. Assuming a general calorie need of 2,000 a day, in those 5 years you could lose 90 lb by limiting to 1,400 calories... just 2 days a week (total weekly deficit of 1,200).

    If you are like me you've been overweight AND disordered for a long time. If you divide the time you've been torturing yourself and not come out any thinner, by the calorie deficit to lose to your goal weight, it probably comes out to a very small change every day. Try to remember that when you feel like you're not thin enough fast enough. What matters is the big picture, not one day of bingeing or one week of success.

    You have hard times behind you, but so much goodness ahead. Remember the things you HAVE done! Thin can come in time, and kids too. Right now you have the man you love, who is about to pledge himself to you for the rest of your lives. From someone who is afraid to love, that is a mighty accomplishment.

  6. You are going to be a gorgeous bride, no matter what your size.
    You can do this!
    Do not focus on could-have-been, should-have-been, would-have been's.
    That solves nothing.
    Focus on the now.
    I hope you are doing well.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  7. Tack ;D

    I would like it to be 20 though.. A 5 kg loss every month would be perfekt :P

  8. you're so gorgeous that you'll look beautiful on your wedding day anyway regardless of whether or not you lose (which you will, because you are strong and motivated). I'm like not really thinking about kids at the moment (or ever actually, but there is a tiny part of me that hopes the love of my life is out there and I may want kids if I'm married to the love of my life...) but it is one of my greatest fears, to be a fat pregnant woman. I'm like terrified of that, so I get where you're coming from.
    And 90 lbs is big but think about it in little steps, like 5 or 7 or 10 pounds at a time and before you know it, it will all be gone! <333

  9. Blogger is deleting my comments, I think it thinks I'm a spambot or something :( but I think previous comment was something along the lines of all the previous comments on this post: You're so gorgeous that you'll look beautiful on your wedding day, no matter what!!
    And yeah, even tho I'm not currently thinking of having kids (nor in the future, but you never know, i might change my mind) I'm super terrified of being a fat pregnant woman, i just don't want that at all, i think i'd be depressed and miserable if that happened.
    anyway, hope you have a wonderful weekend kitty

  10. sorry to do this on your blog, kitty, just testing to see whether I can comment now

  11. OK, that worked! :) Had to switch from Safari to Firefox. Anyway, take 4:
    you're really gorgeous so you'll be a beautiful bride no matter what! <3
    and i get what you mean about being an overweight pregnant woman. I'm not really thinking about kids at all, but I might change my mind in the future and I would be horrified if I was fat while pregnant, I think I would end up super depressed or something if that happened. But no worries, I'm pretty sure you'll have lost the weight and be healthy by the time you're ready to start a family!! have a wonderful weekend!!

  12. Kitty! I can't comment on your blog and that makes me sad :( I'm trying to fix it, but I just wanted you to know that I am reading! <3!

  13. OK I fixed it, haha. but i had to make a new url to do so. anyway, think about the 90 lbs in small incements, then before you know it, you'll have blown through them all and you will be at your goal weight! <33