I think, well I kind of know there is something wrong with me..

I have always been the one that knows a whole lot of people but there are very few people that I call for friends. Those people are people that know almost everything about me. But there are only a couple of them that are aware of  my "eating issues". I'm not really that close to my family either. I just use my relationship with my mom as an exemple of what I wont ever become. Other than that its very very shallow. I have basicly been on my own since I was around 11. I am born in Iran. Never knew my dad. My mom remarried when I was around 5 to  this horrid horrid man. She moved to Norway when I was 11 and left me there with my step dad. I "lived" with him for 2,5 years befor I was able to move to Norway and be with my mom.

Those years were horrid years filled with rape and abuse and so on. I had to grow up.. Well I was never really allowed to be a kid. I was supposed to behave.. And if I didn't my step dad would make sure that I got "it".. 

When I finally got away and moved to Norway, I was pretty fucked up. I hated everything and everyone. My mom being the way she was, was letting everything be my fault. So I moved out as soon as I was 16.  

Since then  I have pretty much been on my own. I moved from my moms town to Oslo as soon as I was 18 and have been on my own pretty much since then. 

I have had a whole bunch of relationships.. One worst than the other. But ya I got through them all while I kept I have lived and learned and all that shit. Through all of this I have a really good friend with me. We have been friends for years and she knows almost everything about me.. Everything but my "eating issues" .. We have been spending less and less time since she got married and had her kid. And I havent seen her since I moved from Norway to Sweden. So it't a tad more than 4 months ago.. These months have been very triggered for me.. I have been struggelig with mia and a whole lot of moodswings. She is now comming to stay with me this weekend. She is going to come over early Saturday morning and she is staying until Tuesday morning. Gonna drop her off then at the airport on my way to work. 

I know that while she is here, we will have a whole lot of "girl time" .. Shopping and so on. And ofc there is food.. And the first thing that came to my mind was.. " Oh well, I guess I have to make sure that I get to purge if we eat too much" .. And then the first thought was "oh but how can I do that if she will be around all the time" ... *sigh* 

I mean.. I miss my bff.. I have had no girl friends around since I moved here. ( My bf and I did a long distance relationship for a while, and it didn't really work over the time, it got to become very expencive so I made the choice and moved since he has a well paid job here).. And I have been really looking forward to her comming over. I have missed her, and I have been upset about not having my friends around while I am planning the wedding. And now... I am actually a tad .. I dunno.. I just don't want to get off track only cause she is here.. How horrid isn't that.. Why can't I just nvm the shit and just have fun with her.. And not go kookoo and try finding ways to keep the intake as low as possible? 

Anyways.. I am sure for a fact that there is something wrong with me..

2 down .. ALOT to go..

Eventhough I loved the nice sunny weather we had during Easter I could do without all the eating.. I don't understand why every holiday is a binge fest.. But ya Easter is over and I have been doing really good since yesterday. I am doing very ok with food.. Yesterday I had no bfast, a small turkey ham sub with salad, no cheese / no saus- dinner was salad, portion of couscous, a portion of grilled chicken filet and some veg. And I had a handfull of nuts later that night.It's around 900 calories inn. Today I have had almost the same with the difference of a protein shake  (107 cals)  in the morning. I am trying to have a protein shake within 30 mins after I get up to test Rusty's theory.

Gym has been ok. I suck, and my condition is next to zero. But I went yesterday and today. Did a tiny little session of HIIT followed by 20 mins of steady cardio. I'm gonna keep going eventhough I don't do as good/ much as I wish I could. But I'll get there.. Oh and ya I almost forgot, I am down 2,2 lbs :) I still have many many many many many lbs to lose but ya.. 2 is better than nothing.. 

Can't get this song out of my head....

A head full of Rusty..

As I have mentioned earlier in the blog, I have gotten me the visual impact for woman and I am reading it "properly" before I go on it. So here are a bunch of the clips from the plan.. Tips about eating.. Exercise and so on.. Which I will be doing.
Basicly this post is for me to reread when I want a little boost of motivation and a kick in the bum to get back on track.

• Think in terms of weekly calorie deficit, not daily calorie deficit.
• Use intermittent fasting- fast until dinner 2 times per week and eat a medium sized meal for that dinner.
• High Intensity Interval Training <3-  Intense intervals are effective at releasing fat from your fat cells. The high intensity intervals also burn calories directly, adding to your daily calorie deficit. Creating a calorie deficit is key to weight loss.
• Follow the “2 day split” routine

A typical week will look like this:

• Mon: Day 1 – Back, Chest, and Abs - Cardio
• Tue: Day 2 – Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps - Cardio
• Wed: Off
• Thu: Day 1 – Back, Chest, and Abs - Cardio
• Fri: Day 2 – Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps - Cardio
• 1 hour of walking after each work out. 

Work hard once and then maintain that level. From that point forward, use that extra energy to travel, meet some new friends, start a business, learn some hobbies, etc. Also...don't be afraid to back off on your training if more important things come up (you will simply have to eat a little less).

PS: There are 3,500 calories in a pound of fat

The mental war..

After that fast fail.. My fiance and I had a looong chat.. Where he mostly said how he was worried about eating behaviour and how he wanted me to stop and blabla.. Followed with me telling him that he doesn't understand and that I feel horrid and fugly and that I can't stand staying this way, and him telling me how pretty I was and blabla..
Anyways.. As far as this goes.. I mean I don't want to lie to him. He is really amazing, and he is really the best guy I have ever had in my life.. He is so thoughtful and so amazing. Always taking care of me ( a tad too much at times ), making me his number one prio in every matter of his life.. Showing me a whole lot of love and affection.. He is really the dream guy. And the wedding is really close.. And I can not stand the idea of my kookooness ruining (spelling?) this for us.
So I have been having a mental war.. Trying to figure out what to do. It needs to be more steady and stabile so he doesn't feel like I'm going more kookoo as I might be. And he needs to see that it is healthy.. For me it needs to work. I mean.. I need to see results.. I need to see that it is actually working.
so here is what I have come up with.. During work days, I can restrict. I can eat as much or little as I wish. Still cook a good healthy plate of food for dinner, where I keep his normal and mine low cal. He is ok with my "portion control" as he puts it. So why not.
Weekends are another story. But sure.. I can work around that. My answer to how we can fix this.. Well the problems is that I need to hit the gym more. So every lunch break.. And after work. I know that this will be the only way to go around it.
If he is freaking out about my (lack) of eating. Then sure.. I will eat. I just need to make sure that I burn it off again. I don't see any way around it. And ya I guess it is the healthy way of doing it..

I am gonna study the VIFW again. Get me going. The 12 week plan sounds great. I guess I just need to get off my fat bum and get on with it.

And I started doing this detox program. It just two pills in the morning and night.. It's herb based and I tok the first morning pills today and I can already feel them work.. heh.. Very charming I know.. But ya.. After this I am going to start this CLA based diet pills ( sorry no english site ).. Basicly these pills are based on green tea and thistle oil and it's supposed to control your hunger and give a better balance between muscle/fat % of your body.. The box lasts for 15 days. So I will see how it works.

Anyways.. That's it for me. I will do my best to get alle the MIA thoughts off my head ( I hope ).. "Eat" more healthy.. And be a true gym person.. I don't have many other options.. I am not ready to risk my relationship for this..

Feel free to tell me what works for you.. Keeping the balance.. Getting rid of the fat.. And still staying in a good relationship with your husband/bf..

What do you do??

What do you do when the one you love looks you in the eyes.. With tears and says.. "Please eat.. For me.. "
You eat then..
Ofc it resulted in me purging what I had eaten.. But I feel horrid.. More fat than ever.. And I dont know if you understand it.. Dirty..

I hate this.. Why can't he just understand.. I can not..

Im so sorry for bein a huge fail and not being able to even go all way for a one day fast.. Im so sorry...

Wedding dress and whole lot of blab!

Today I got to know that my uncle and his family will be attending the wedding.. Yaaay.. My uncle has been my only male figure that I have had in my life.. Well the only one that I could always count on. He and his wife are the perfect family.. The way they love and support eachother in every aspect of their lives has always made me warm at heart. And they always had a way of making me feel like I belong, and made me feel like home..

I didn't really have a home growing up. Long story :) Anyways, they moved to Dubai for his work a few years back, and sicen they moved I haven't really seen them all that much. And I wasn't counting on them being able to attend the wedding. It is one hell of a way to get here. But today he mailed me and said that they would.. And I have been srsly yaay about it all day..

I also asked him if he would "give me away" at the church :) I hope he says yes, it would really mean alot to me. This however means that now I really have to go for the more traditional wedding dresses. I think I will order from ebay. I have been reading alot of good reviews about them and I don't see why not. The price is a huge factor, but the main reason is that they custom make it for you. So I am gonna order it with a couple of cm smaller on everything, and if its too big I will just have it fixed here.

I have been seeing a few dresses, I'm not sure which one I like the most :) What do you think?

The first and last two pictures are the ones I like the most. If I were to choose one, I think it would be the first dress at the moment, but I'm not sure.

And ya.. I have been feeling really low about all the drama that we have had around the wedding plans and such, but I dunno, I guess this one positive little news made me feel so much better .. And I am so glad that we didn't just give up and eloped.

All of this have given me a whole new boost of motivation. I have been doing good on the eating side, but I really have been lacking the motivation for the training stuff.. It's few days over 14 weeks left to the wedding. Rusty's HIIT program is 12. I will hit the gym in all my lunch breaks, and do a longer session after work.. Other people do it.. So can I . Or what??

Run forrest run!

My friend Pete poked me today and started talking about running. And he showed me this site.. Kind of funny, cause I just read about it on another blog but anyways. He wanted to start doing it and I told him I could be his running pal..
We aren't going to do the actuall running together since I live in Sweden and he lives in England but more of the mental motivation part where we pick up each other and can talk to about it. The plan is actually perfect for my lunch breaks so I will start on it tomorrow ...

Impulse shopping ftw... Along with a whole lot of blab! ;)

I have always had a thing for shoes.. I just love them.. They are pretty.. And they always fit.. No matter how skinny or how fat you get.. Your shoes will always fit.. I have a whole lot of socalled unpractical shoes which are so so pretty hehe.. Some I can barely walk in but ya..

Anyways lately I catch my self spending more and more money on gym cloths.. shoes and such. I have been seeing alot of articles about the easy tone shoes but I never actually bothered trying them on. But yesterday I just tried them on, and I dunno if it's cause in such a crap shape or what, but I could feel it in my leggs and lower part of my bum after only trying them on for 5 mins in the store.. So there I went and spent a whole lot of cash on them.. And I don't know if its just cause I want to think that they are working, or that they actually are, but ya..I am very happy about the shoes, and how the feel like in my leggs and such.. Oh and it really gets your upper legg muscles going when you go up the stairs on them..

Other thing I bought is the smart and fit shake. I'm sorry that there isn't any proper English info about this product. It is basicly a protein shake with low cal and carbs. Putting up a picture of the nutrition facts of this product :

I find it hard to eat in the mornings and I have been trying to find a solution to that. After I read Rusty's plan I decided going with a low cal protein shake is maybe a good idea. It tastes ok and it was pretty cheap.

I have this idea about what to eat and have controll over what I can eat without eating more than what I am "allowed".
Bfast: 103 calories
Protein shake

Lunch: 344 calories
- 2 slices of wholewheat bread 214 calories
. Green salad, paprica, cucumber around 30 calories
- 100 grams of turkey ham 100 calories

Dinner: 447
- Grilled chicken filet/ fish filet around 200 calories depending on the size
- Portion of wholewheat couscous 248 calories
- 100 grams of broccoli/cauliflower 30 calories


That makes the total 893 calories per day, which gives me room for a no fat yoghurt or a piece of fruit incase I feel like I need something else to eat on the workout days. 


No more binging.. Overeating.. *keeps them crossed*

Is she "hot"??

I haven't really been in mood lately so I have been laying low.. But this article made me go a tad hmpf...

I mean... Is it just me or is there something wrong with this picture?? I dunno... I would say this is a tad past curvy... like.. I dunno...

What do you think??? 

Yet another blab session about food..

"Shockingly" enough the reason why I like many other people am fat is because I eat too much..( like.. duuuuhh)..
And its not that I don't know that fact.. the problem is that I keep doing it. Eventhough I know I shouldn't. And I think I can keep going on and on about how I will lose the weight, and what im gonna eat to do so.. but I keep falling back to the same decision over and over again..
I can not lose the fat by keeping to eat.. I can for sure not keep on eating as much as I do. I read this article about how the main focus for the weightloss should be on the diet..( yet another duuh moment)... and then when you get close to your goal weight you have to start building up the body so won't gain it all back right away..
That does make sense to me. So Ok.. I am going to restrict.. as long as I keep eating as much as I do I will stay fat. I know I keep saying that I will eat so much and burn half at the gym.. but who the fuck am I kidding. I never get to the gym as much as I should. I always have an excuse.. and ok.. I admit that I should stop making excuses and instead just go to the gym.. but it makes me zoo fucking hungry that I normally end up in a binge by the end of the day.
So instead of trying to do it all I am gonna just focus on the food.. and put in 2 -3 gym sessions a week.
I am sort of done with trying too much and keep failing. And I think having my focus on one thing at the time is the safe way to go. That way I won't feel guilty over not having the energy/time/mood for the gym.. and I won't have the oh I'm really hungry after the gym excuse to eat. Anyways lunch break almost over. Going to head back to work. But ya.. I think maybe this will work.. atleast it should be easy enough to make it work..

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The roller coaster called life..

I haven't been in mood of doing much the last few days. I have been really tired.. And really mentally wornout.. As much as as I am looking forward to the wedding, all the fuss from our families is getting too much..
I must admit it is sad to see that the people we call for our family don't care.. Or respect us enough to let us have things the way we want it..
It has been argues about who we have and have not invited.. The language of the invite ( I made them in English since I have friends comming over from other countries ).. Then the fact that I didn't put a dresscode on it.. My mom throw a fit over us not wanting to serve alcohol until after the dinner ( my fiance doesn't drink) .. His mom throw a fit over the fact that we are considering to change our last name when we get married and didn't tell her about it.. She doesn't get that we haven't decided anything yet..His gram has been saying stuff such as " you know it is your family that should pay for it".. I mean.. Omg... *sigh*... And then it was the mother of all argues.. My mom wants to walk me down the isle.. While I don't see why she should cause she basicly has never acted like a mom for me.. She said "I gave you life so it's my right".. Now that was a serious wtf moment..

Anyways. We have been considering to blow the whole shit.. Just get married and spend the money on traveling.. But ya.. I know deep inside, that he really wants the whole traditional thing..
Anyawys.. I have reached the total bliss of ignore mode.. I am ignoring them all.. And I have decided.. One more comment from any of them.. And they are uninvited.. heh..

Work has been insanely busy.. I barely have had time to even check my mails.. But ya.. I like my job, so I can't really complain..

My workouts have been fail.. I had a huge cramp in my left leg on Friday night.. And it keeps comming back ever since.. On Monday during my lunch workout.. I had a really bad one.. and I haven't been to the gym since..

Food wise.. I have had a few really bad days with Mia.. I don't know if its the stress or what it is.. But ya.. I just feel like.. Well.. That is maybe the problem, I don't know what I feel like.. And those few moments where  I feel like I know what I'm feeling, it all gets so twisted that I rather just stop thinking about it.. But even that has become a problem.. Being a control freak I can't stop thinking.. I can't stop analyzing.. And it is driving me mad.

Somewhere on the back there is this little voice saying "oh you can't controll the things happening around you, but you can controll you.. You can controll what you put in you.. Or rather don't put in you".. And then the "sane" part of me takes over and starts analyzing it all and it always ends in an emo binge.. Followed by a sesseion with mia..

I have also realized that I work out waaay too little compared to what I should.. I do the mini 30 mins cardio during my lunch break from work.. But that has been it.. I think I should start doing atleast a couple of hours after work as well..

Anyways I have been thinking.. Analyzing.. Planning.. And thinking even more.. I am made my peace with the fact that I will not be skinny enough for the wedding.. It is 15 weeks left. And I am going to do everything I can to lose as much as possible by then.

My plan is to restrict the calories to 1000. And burn off half at the gym.
No fast carbs, no premade food, no added sugar.. Only food high on fiber, protein and low on fat. I got me this little bracelet today. It is going to be my reminder.. So everytime I am about to eat something, I am gonna have a look at it and ask my self.. Is this food good for you?- Will this food get you closer to your goal?- Will you feel better about your body if you eat this?.. And if the answer to all of them is yes.. Then I will have it.

And I am gonna reward my self with a new pair of shoes.. A purse.. A piece of jewelry for every 10 lbs I lose.. Or just put the money toward the MG reward... When I hit my goal (( 110-115 lbs )) I am going to change out every piece of clothing I have.. My closet atm is full of cloths that are either too big.. Too small.. Or gym cloths.. Heh.. I really need to renew it all... I need a new me...

Yet again.. Wish me luck.. I know I need it...

Wedding dress..

So how bad would it be if I went for something like this??? It is afterall a summer wedding.. And lets face it.. I'm not exactly a virgin.. 

WTB a new attitude..

I have been reading alot of blogs lately.. And it is making me rethink the way I am and behave.. I am one of those people who knows what I need to do to care of my body and knows how to get thin and how to train and so on..
But lets be honest.. I am lazy.. I am very lazy.. And I blame everything on my "cravings"..
It's not hard to see that people actually work hard to get/stay thin. They aren't just born that way.. They work out for hours and they have iron grip on their eating.. Being a human they too ofcourse have bad days, but they get right back on and just keep on going. Me on the other hand.. Everytime I fail.. I just keep on failing. I don''t stop and say "ok.. lets fuck this.. and get back on track NOW"..
I normally have a breakdown and cry for hours and then go eat a cookie cause "oh poor me" had a breakdown.. I have had months to slim down for the wedding.. And only now.. 4 months before the "big day" I am actually hitting the gym. And even now.. I don't do well. Well I do good during my work day.. Then I get home. And binge.. And not a little one either.. I eat and eat and eat.. And then I get really sick.. And then its time for bed...
I know that I need to change the way I think about food.. We eat to live not live to eat..  And I need to change the way that I think about excersise as well..
I mean.. 30 mins is nothing comparred to what most of the others do to get and stay thin. I need to get inn a second workout if I am going to only be doing the lunch cardio, but then again the lunch cardio session are only until we move to a new building.
I'm also not sure how much of a ideas is it to just drink the VLCD shakes and smoothies. I still need to restrict the calories, but maybe a combo of low carb food along with the shakes and such would stop the insane binges I have at nights..
Anyways, I need to attend a meeting at work soon. I will try to put up a meal plan after, or tonight.

Yet another *sigh*

I did so good yesterday.. So good.. Until right before bed... My tummy was rumbling and my fiance was all "oh you should eat".. And he made me a sandwich.. I know how people say that ppl can't force you to eat.. But :S So I ate it.. And then I had a huge fit... I mean.. Doesn't he see what I look like?? How can he ignore the fact that I am huge?? Anyways.. I really wanted to mia.. To get it out.. But ya.. I just don't want to go there..

But ya.. Today is another day. Even with the fail of last night, I lost almost a kilo.. So today I am down to 104,1.. Which is better than what it was yesterday..
I am gonna stick to only liquids yesterday.. And I think with my "fit" and mini breakdown last night he is gonna understand.. Atleast I hope..

Edit:
I really love my new job and my boss. My work hours now are from 0815-1700 and I have 45 mins lunch. I am always around 30 mins early cause my fiance drives me to work on his way to his work.

I have been wanting to have a workout session in my lunch break but 45 mins is too short to fit in the shower and so on. So I mailed my boss and asked if I could start at 0800 and have 1 hour lunch and guess what :D He said ok :)

The gym is only 2 mins walk from our office now. We will be moving to new office building in a few months, but I can keep my lunch workouts on until then :)

Anyways.. Just to stop the blab.. I can now have a cardio sessions in my lunch break starting today!!

Edit no. 2:
Comparring this session with my last fail attempt @ the gym it was great :) I went up 10 levels and burned twice as much as calories as the last time.. And I didnt reach the "puke" level as fast as the last time.
The only down siden of the gym during lunch hours is the fact that they have a chinese buffe in their cantine.. The smell was insane.. I could even smell it while training.. And the cardio section is on the second floor..

Nutrilett vs dinner time...

Living with my fiance has it's good and bad sides.. I love having him around, and I really love him for every little things he does for me.. But he can not cook to save his life...

Before we met he used to eat quickly made mac along with pre-made meatballs, almost every day... I love cooking I took over that role as soon as we moved together.. But now.. Making him dinner while I am not having any is a tad harder than I thought.. The smell of it.. mm.. So what did I do?? Nothing.. I kept me busy with other stuff while I was cooking his dinner.. I made something for tomorrow already as well so I don't really have to think about that tomorrow after gym.. 

Anyways.. I took some "before" pictures which really made me rethink how the food was smelling.. I am really really sorry for those of you who actually look at it.. I know I look horrid... I will never ever look like that again.. I still can't understand how I could let it go this far.. 

I have settled on the VLCD shakes and "smoothies".. I think keeping it boring is the way to go.. No temptations.. Talking about temptations.. Having cake tasting for the wedding on Wednesday.. I already know what we are going to have to I will try to keep it to a minimal.. 

The VLCD diet I am using is called Nutrilett.. I am having a blend of 3 shakes a day which is 336 calories in total. The smoothie is 209 calories. That is a total of 545 calories a day.. I am going to skip one of the shakes on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to keep it under 700 even with the cake tasting.. 

Back from Prague...

Prague was nice.. The weather was amazing.. We got alot of sun and walked a whole lot.. And we ate... and ate.. and ate.. and ate.. And then we ate some more.. And when that was done.. We got the dessert....

I don't think I have ever been fed this much ever in my life.. Anywho... Last weeks emo binge.. Along with a weekend of fatty food I have reached my all time high.. I have never ever ever been this fat before.. 

NOTHING fits.. And no fucking way I am even gonna try on wedding dresses looking like this.. So todays weight was 231 lbs... Anyways... I have decided that this time I will not just sit and have yet another emo binge over this shit.. Instead I am gonna just stop.. I am going on a liquid diet from today. I am not gonna call it for a liquid fast cause I will have some VLCD shakes and that is sort of food. But nothing solid.. 

I am gonna put the calorie restriction to 700 calories per day.. And this is how it will be until end of May. I didn't have any clean cloths for the gym today (( or anything nice for work for that matter.. Hello ms fat )) ... Laundry today.. So I will be back in the gym tomorrow. I will keep my focus on cardio.. And hoping to be in shape for HIIT soon.. I am not gonna aim for too much though.. I want to keep it real.. Hehe.. That is not a funny thought.. "Keep it real" lol.. Right.. If stuff had been real in my head. It wouldn't have gone this far. 

Anyways.. Wish me luck.. And I must admit.. I am really looking forward to the empty feeling.. You know what I mean?? The feeling of not having anything in you.. When water becomes filling and you go on these amazing coffee rushes... 

Wish me luck.. I know I need it..