Are you an emotional impulsive binge/overeater??

If you are.. Then you are not alone. I have always been an emotional eater. I am THE eater. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I stress.. I eat to relax. I eat when I've got something to celebrate or when something is heavy on my heart. To round it up.. I always eat. I got the book "You can be thin" from Marisa Peer a few days ago. I don't know if you remember that I mentioned it in one of my earlier posts, but I got it few days ago, and started reading it yesterday. I have only read a few chapters but I have had so many "OMG I should have known that" moments.
I have always wondered why I eat the way I eat. And why I can not get rid of the weight. My diets have always failed cause I aim for the "I have to fix my eating" habits and not for the reason why I have the habits. And I am starting to understand why I always go to food for comfort.. It has been my safe zone.. When my step dad decided to use me as his personal play ground, the only thing I thought of was to eat, get fat, and thought that it would keep him off. For me food was what I used to keep me safe from the pain. From being used.. And that is what I keep doing. Every time I was to feel better, or every time I feel good, I want to share the feeling with my good and loyal friend.. Food... Now I understand why I feel so horrid and weak as soon as I stay away from it. I have made my self believe that food is what I need to feel safe.. What I need to feel good. And as long as I believe that, I wont be able to shed off the weight. This book is showing me how I should listen to my body and understand what I am feeling, instead of going for food as soon as I feel something.
I knew that what my step dad did to me fucked me up in many levels.. I knew that what my ex's made me feel made me unsure about how I look and feel. But I have never really thought about to what lever. I never thought that me calling my self for a fatty is making me believe that fatty is what I am. They say skinny people can't get fat cause their brain is programmed to stay skinny. And that fat people are programmed to be fat. This book is saying that, that is BS. We were all born to say no to too much food. We were born to stop eating when we are full. And that we were only born to eat when we were hungry. As a young kid we didn't eat when we got hurt, or felt happy. We used food as it was ment to be, not to fix or cover our feelings.
I am going to read this book, and then reread it and do the mental exercises- and then listen to the CD. And I have a feeling that this is going to be my way of finding the right way to shed the weight off, and keep it off. And hopefully on the way to that I will learn to deal with my feelings instead of feeding them.
If you like me, are an emotional binge/over eater... Read the book. If you are open to the changes you will understand why I am recommending it. And if you are going to, please let me know. I'd love to have someone take this journey with me.

Edit:
Came across this clip and it ttly makes me think of my Bf hehe.. Some times he makes me feel like a teen hehe

Crappy mood ftw..

I am not really sure what's wrong with me. I have been feeling really down all day. And I have been soo tired for days. 6 hours of sleep just isn't enough for me. And 6 hours has been the most I have gotten the last days.. On top of the shitty mood we need to get to the bakery we ordered our wedding cake from to taste the flavor we had asked him to fix the first time.. which means sugary intake.. which means that even I won't be having more than a bite out of it, it still will fuck up the whole low carb plan.. We had asked to have the tasting done for over a fucking month ago.. He just had "forgotten" to check his mail... wtf does that mean even...
And as if I haven't been in an enough of a crappy mood, his grandma has summoned us for dinner on Sunday. And yes I am using the term summoned cause that is what she does.. we weren't allowed.. yes allowed, to visit when we wanted.. Now she wants us there.. she has been treating me like shit and like a gold digger ever since we told them about the wedding, and there is no fucking way I am gonna sit there and keep my mouth shut yet again. So Im not going.. Srsly.. why would I.. I do not respect people who don't show me any respect and I am not planning to start now either..
I am just so tired and sick of her behaviour... Family my ass... I have done without for years..*sigh*

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Low carb a la Atkins..

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been thinking about going on a low carb diet. I tried Atkins once and it really worked for me but I got pretty ill from it. The amount of fatty food was too much for me.. My body always reacts if I eat too much fat. I had got pretty ill from the Atkins shakes and bars in too. The day break bars were OK, but the others made me really sick too. Lately I have been reading about how a low carb diet is good for people with Fibromyalgia..

Anywho... I am starting my Low carb diet today. I was thinking maybe I should wait until after the London trip, but then I realized there will always some sort of trip or event or something that will be happening. So I am just tossing myself into it and just starting today. I am going to use the Atkins steps as a guideline. Which means I will keep it to 20 grams of net carbs per day for the next few weeks. This step is supposed to last for 2 weeks. But you can adjust it to your body, so I am thinking about going on this until end of June. July will be 25 grams of carbs. We are going on our honeymoon for two weeks. That is from 01- 13 of August. I am going to just take it easy and relax and enjoy our time while we are away, not counting anything. And then start on phase one again when we get back.

Anyway.. I have gained 2 lbs. It is most likely because I haven't gone to the gym for like 1,5 week. But I have made my peace with it and I am not going to care about the weekend munching and so on. I told my BF that I was going to do the low carb diet and I have been updating him about how it is supposed to work with the fibromyalgia, and so on. I am trying to update him about the food as well, about what I can and can not eat. But that is something that will come by time. The way he is acting when I go on and on about the boring diet stuff is kind of cute hehe.. You can see that he doesn't really get half of the stuff I am blabing about, but he is being really involved, asking questions and he is really trying his best to understand it all.

I am going to put up some rewards for the WL goals. I think it will be a good motivation. I am still going to keep my food diary and keep track of what I eat and not only count the carbs. I know I don't have to, but I kind of like it. Yeah yeah.. I am probably weird.

Weekend munching ftl ...

So I do great (not) eating during the week. I have work keeping me busy and I feel up with loads of water/tea.. But I do horrid during the weekends. At some point I just gave up counting the calories.. It just got too much.. :S

There is always some sort of social thing happening.. If that's not happening then there is eating out and such.. And no matter how you try to get around it there is still too much calories.. Oh and don't you just HATE it when you go to dinners and they serve you the food right on a plate? When you can not control what gets on it.. Or how much.. I don't get why some people do that.. It is so annoying..

Anyhow.. I didn't even bothered getting on the scale today.. I have just decided to ignore it for one day.. My body's reaction to the amount of food I have had this week is enough.. You know.. I don't mind eating out or much or whatever.. I just need to know wtf I am putting in me.. I hate when not having control over it. I really hate it..

I need some tips and ideas about how to get around this shit. How to deal with it when you are "served" the food .. And how to control the weekend munching in general.. I am trying to eat smaller portions of "normal" food during the weekends so my BF doesn't go panic mode on me.. But at the end of the weekend I end up always like this.. Blowded... Yucky.. Feeling huge..

So today I am having tea/water- I am not sure if I am going to get a coffee (118 cal) for lunch or just a cola zero. Will see :) If it's cold and crappy weather like it has been the last days I might go for the coffee..

On the TMI side.. I have noticed my tummy really goes mental during the weekends. It is probably cause of the all the food or something.. As soon as I get back to my normal eating, keeping it mostly to the liquids it gets better almost right away..

Oh and I am so changing my gym as soon as my membership goes out.. (Which isn't until the end of March but yaaa).. The reason why I joined this gym was mainly because my work has a deal with them so I got my membership a tad cheaper.. But OMG I have been regretting it.. First of all they lack some of the most basic machines.. Second the cardio section is tiny.. There are like 4 ellipticals- 2 stepmills and like 6 treadmills in total.. Which means training right after work is hell cause you end up waiting around for something to get available for ages..

We have been going to the gym after dinner (around 7- 8 pm). Their opening hours is stupid.. Srsly.. They close at 10 pm on normal week days, 9 pm on Fridays.. 5 on Saturdays and 7 on Sundays.. Sucky but you can work around it.. Now I just saw on the site that they are changing those during the summer weeks.. So from next Monday.. Until the end of August the opening hours are even less.. It is so freaking stupid..
Monday - Thursday 6 am - 9 pm.. Friday 6 am -8 pm- Saturday 8 am- 2pm, Sunday 3pm- 8pm... WTF!!! This is so stupid... And what the f-ck is up with the Sunday hours.. I am paying around 1,5k usd per year for this gym.. They should have been better, and they call them selves for one of the best in this city.. Right... This is so not worth the money.. I have been so annoyed..

Oh and ya.. We have to get to the gym more now. Last week has been next to nothing.. That has to change now. Planning to get back again starting today.

11 days left till we are going to London and I really am looking forward to it. As stupid as it sounds I used to go there to get my haircut 3-5 times a year. There is this saloon which I love and they are the only ones that have been able to give me a proper cut the last years. Being persian living in a nordic country.. Not having the thin hair means that most of the hairdressers panic as soon as I sit down and I end up with some shitty cut, or they just don't manage to make it light enough. Right now, I have so much hair on my head that if I was a sheep they would take me inn for some sort of animal rescue or something hehehe.. I hate having to have my hair in a pony tail all the time for it not be everywhere.. Or so I don't look like I am wearing a lamp shade..

Edit:
I am wondering if I should go on low carb diet again. I tried Atkins once before and it was actually the only diet I have been on where I lost weight without starving. I dunno.. What do you think?

Feeling better today..

I am feeling much better today. I'm down 2 lbs which is good. And I feel lighter since yesterdays intake was a total 534 calories. I still didn't make it to gym, but I am not panicking over that. There is a lot going on that we need to have done for the wedding. It is around 9 weeks left now. I have been watching a whole lot of you tube at work lately.. And yesterday I was watching Super skinny me, and I know giving diet tips isn't what they were aiming for. But one of the girls that is almost my hight managed to get down 5 dress sizes in 5 weeks. 

One of the things she did was to do work out 2 hours per day. So that is what I am aiming for from next week. 2 hours of cardio per day 5 days a week. Who knows, maybe I will be able to get down 4-5 dress sizes by my wedding day. I mean 5 weeks of that amount of training is doable. I don't mind having my dress fitted to a smaller size. 

As Fed Up said yesterday, I think I have really reached my "I HAVE TO DO THIS" limit. I have been having so many "down" days lately that it is effecting my relationship. So now I'm just gonna do it..

*sigh*

I have gained weight.. It is "only" 0.6 lbs.. But still.. WTF???
I am going to take down the intake calories to 899 per day. And I HAVE TO get to the gym and burn off some calories..

Anyways.. I'm not in the best mood today.. So I'm off for now.

Edit:

Lunch time now. It's been a "no" day so far. I skipped the work breakfast ( we have them every Thursday". And I am "skipping" lunch, I am having a protein shake instead.

I have been thinking a whole lot today. Maybe a tad too much. I have always said I don't want to be a fat bride, But atm it seems like that is what I am going to be. I know its still 9 weeks away but I can't really get that much smaller. Anyways.. I don't really know if the "healthy" way is really working for me. I don't really think it has been that healthy. I know I should be patient and just take it slow, but that is not who I am. I have never been patient.. Ever.. There are so many things I want to do. I have so many wishes, and there are so many things I want to change about my life. About me.

Most of it have been on hold cause I feel like I am too fat to do them. I can become a PT or what ever when I'm fatter than fat now, can I?

I am starting to believe that being hungry, restrict, and just get rid of most of the weight can't hurt. I mean how can it? I normally get used to being hungry after a week or two. So I just need to keep it together for two weeks tops.

I have DL'ed this application on my phone. It's called "MyFitnessPal" .. It has a "normal" site as well that you can use on the pc, and it just syncs it. So I am removing the "food diary page" and will hold the overview there. Anyhow... I need to go back to planning all my meals and restricting properly cause I just can not see all this flab anymore.. I just can't.. I hate it.. I hate what my body looks like.. I hate how HUGE my upper arms are.. I hate how I feel like everytime I get undressed and my BF is around.. I hate that I can't wear any nice cloths.. I hate that I have God knows how many pairs of shoes and can't wear most of them cause I am too fat to walk on high heels for more than few mins.

I hate how I have to always always always always hide my body cause it is so big and so huge and so ugly so people wont be sick looking at me.. I hate the fact that my bf is more than 20 cm longer than me and weights more than 30 kgs less. I shouldn't be bigger than him.. I shouldn't weight more than him..I just shouldn't.. I hate, hate, hate that I feel like I am going to crush him if I get on his lap.. I hate it.. But instead of keep on the low calorie diet and get my fat ass, no wait.. My fat EVERYTHING to the gym, I decide to "get healthy"?? WTH.. How can I be fucking healthy if I have a BMI that is over 40??? I will think about getting healthy when it's under 25..

I am not only fat.. Or obese... I am waaaay past that.. And here I am thinking about eating.. Wtf heh.. I just don't want to be like this anymore.. I don't want to.. I know.. I am probably having a breakdown or whatever cause of the "gain" but I just can't take it anymore. I have had enough of me. I am just going to it no matter what it takes.. No binging.. No purging.. I am actually going to hit the gym 5 times a week and not just say I will.. 

*sigh* I am just so sick of all of this.. And the fucking constant war in my brain.. I am just so tired..

Fruit day..

Yesterday was bad.. Well the dinner part and everything after was bad. I haven't been "sick" since my bff was here and well my body had a "bad" reaction to it I guess.. That combined with the mental part of it.. The part where I feel ashamed over my self for actually doing it.. Lets just say it felt horrid.

But that was yesterday.. I am trying to not stay in what has happened and keep moving on. C'est la vie.. Today I am giving my self a fruit day, so I am going to try to eat as much as fruit as possible. I think the fibre and the vitamins will do me good. I am also going to try to stay off coffee today. I have been cutting down on my coffee intake, and been replacing it with tea and it's been kinder on my tummy.

I have also been playing with the idea of becoming a flexitarian. And I don't really see a reason why I shouldn't. Anyhow, I am going to read more about it first.

I couldn't wait until Friday to get on the scale. I'm 230 today, and I guess that's OK- I am looking forward to get out of the 200's and never get up to that again. The other day we were out and I saw this skirt I really loved, but the largest size they had in it was a EU size 44. That is around 4-6 sizes smaller than what I use today.. Lately I hate shopping.. Nothing I like looks good on me.. Nothing I like is there in the "right" size.. So  I was really sad again. And my bf said "I think you should get the skirt anyways, I see that your body is changing and you should have it as a goal, when you fit the skirt you know whatever you are doing is working for you".. So I got the skirt. I tried it on when I got home.. And its really really really too small for me.. So now I have another goal.. And that is to get in that skirt.

Lately he has been asking me a lot of questions about  my diet, and what I want and my goals and so on. I haven't always been honest on every details ( I always "forget" to tell him about the B/P part).. But ya we have been talking. I told him that I wanted to go on a huge shopping trip to London when I hit my GW, and that I wanted to shop for 1k GBP and that I was saving up for that. So now he wants to pay for that shopping trip.. First I was a tad .. I should be doing this by my self.. By now I don't really see a reason why I should be doing it alone. He has also joined my gym, so now we are going to hit the gym together, which makes it so much easier to get going. So ya.. I might let him.

Fighting the urge to purge.. :S

I feel horrid.. I feel ill... I ate too fast.. Too much.. My tummy is going around and round.. And I really really feel like I should/want to purge.. Gah...

I hate this feeling :S

Edit: Well that fight was an epic fail.. And now I feel sick heh.. Anyways... I think tomorrow will be a fruit day. I think I need it..

*untitled*

Some times I have no idea what I should use as a post title.. So this is going to be "untitled" only because this is going to be yet another rant post. Today is Norwegian national day.. And since I am mostly supporting our Norwegian customers that mean I have nothing to do today.. I should have had the day off.. But I'm not complaining. It's so much easier for me to eat less when I'm at work. It's been raining for couple days now, and even though I love the smell/sound of the rain.. I am kind of sick of it now.. So I rather sit at work than being home.

Yesterday was a good day with food. I counted my calories and what I ate was pretty low on fat. I wasn't full by   the end of the night, and I guess I could have eaten more.. But now that I feel like I can eat if I want to, I don't want to.. I guess thinking about food, and how I can't eat this and that.. Or planning what I can eat ALL the time, made me binge so much easier. Or maybe it was the "panic" about not being able to eat without feeling guilty. Total intake was right under 900 and it could be much less if I hadn't had that handful of crisps. 

I didn't get to hit the gym yesterday, laundry day, and I haven't been in the best shape. But I am going today, and   if I am still in a horrid shape, I will just walk for an hour or so. 

Anyways, I am out for now. 

Wedding dress!!!

OMG!!! Got my wedding dress delivered today.. OMG!!! I LOVE IT!!!! It was more perfect then I thought.. And the veil and everything (which I ordered without seeing.. I know crazy).. It all was a perfect match.. I just love it.. I couldn't be happier... OMG!! ^^ Here is the post with the pictures if you want to see the pictures...

The plan..

I haven't been on blogger all that much the last few days. The "crash" they had was kind of annoying. And I couldn't login for couple days. When I was able to get on it, my last post was gone.. Along with all the edits I had made heh.. The post is back. But changes are gone I guess.. I'll have to redo it I think.. Will see..

Anyhow.. The last couple of days has been pretty harsh.. The weather changes effect my Fibromyalgia really bad, so I have been in a whole new level of pain.. lol.. That combo with "the week".. It's been a bless..And honestly, I haven't bothered caring about what I eat and don't eat.. I haven't been able to care about anything really.. But now. It is a new week, and I am back at work.. The pain is better.. Probably cause of the huge dose of painkillers I had last night heh. I am refusing to get on the scale, cause I always gain a unreasonable amount of weight during my period. It gets back to normal like a day after it's over.. So I am going to wait until then. I should be safe on Thursday.

In my last post I said I was going to do the WL the healthy way. So basicly what I am going to do is to keep my intake to a maximum of 1200 calories per day (I am not sure if the weekly thing works for me.. I am afraid I'd binge on the "high cal" days).. And I am gonna pick up my training. I am still aiming to get 5 days a week at the gym where I do more cardio. Get up my HIIT and do longer steady cardio. And get in the two day split of strength training. Main focus will however be the cardio training to shed the fat off.. I always have bad days with my body.. Where the pain is pretty high.. On those days.. I am thinking about just taking it easy. Do a yoga class if I can, or just get on the treadmill and walk for an hour.. It is good for me to move abit even on those really bad days. I am planning to get on the scale once a week. And I am planning to do that every Friday morning. I like the idea of having it done before the weekend.

I am also going to find my measuring tape and take write done how big things are.. Keep hearing about how the scale can be wrong, so I guess that is a good thing to have around.

The other things I will be changing is the way I look at food. I will only eat when I am hungry, and not when I "HAVE TO".. I will stop eating as soon as I start feeling full. I am also aiming to eat more "whole" food, more veggies and fruits. And cut down the meat. Have more whole grains and such. I don't really drink any sugary sodas, and I don't really have that much of candy and such.. I normally crave it around my period but that is "normal" I guess. My main problem is going to be portion control, and that is something I am going to try to control with a "one portion only" rule.

Feel free to let me know what do you think and if there is anything else I should be doing/ not doing.


Edit: Has anyone seen this clip? I just ordered the book- it should arrive within a week. I got the paperback along with the CD. I will make sure to let you know how it works...

Can this be the answer to my problem???

A way back to .. me?? *warning.. a whole lot of blab*

My mind is in a pretty bad place lately.. Mia has been taking over pretty bad and been controlling. I have been purging every little thing I eat.. And it's really taking its toll on me and everything that is happening. I haven't been able to enjoy the wedding details.. I have been having moodswings from hell.. I am snapping at my fiance all the time.. I barely talk to my coworkers. I think my body image is even more fucked up than it has ever been.
I have been reading and updating my self on too many ana- mia blog/books. I am comparring my self more and more to the people around me and I am hating my self. This shit, combined with the fact that I really miss my friends.. I am really fucked up... Or maybe I am doing this to my self?? I don't know anymore..
I don't feel like I can be open to my fiance, cause I never think he will understand.. I can't tell any of my friends about whats going on. I have a couple that know that I have "issues" but none really understand. He still thinks it's just a phase.. And maybe it should be.

I think I have lost my self in the "blog world" .. And that maybe party cause of that I am losing my self in the real world. And srsly.. I am too old for that.. I have always been so proud of being strong, surviving all the shit that life has been tossing at me. Just dealing with it, and mostly comming stronger out of it.. But I don't know.. After the last bad relationship I had.. Stuff just got messed up. I lost me.. I started finding my way back to me slowly after a while.. And suddenly it all just stopped.. And I crashed.. And well here I am.

I got a couple of comments on this post about how I should stop putting my self down comparing my self to others.. And ya I guess I don't need to starve or stop eating to get skinny. I just need to focus on being healthy. Stop binging... Stop purging... Go to the gym cause it's fun and not cause I have to.

I still want to get skinny.. I still want to lose the fat.. But I think I need to change my focus, and do this the "right" way. It might take longer but I guess that's the only way the weight will be off forever. I need to change my mind about food- diets and everything around it.

So from this day on that is where my focus will be. I am going to stop updating me on every single ana/mia blog there is.. I am gonna start taking care of my self.. And hopefully I will start liking my self again.

So this blog is going to change abit. This will be more about the new direction I am taking on my way to become healthy. I am going to find my way back to my passions.. My love for fashion.. Dancing.. The man who loves me no matter how I look, or how much I snap at him.. I have so much to live for.. And so much to be happy about.

No more insane diets.. No more mia.. I really hope I can do this..

Oh and I'm sorry that it seems like I keep changing my mind about what I want every other minute.. This one I will stick to. I promise..

May/June Competition and the skinny girl diet!

Yesterday was a bad day for me.. The only good side was that I got to order the wedding dress.. But other than that it was horrid.. Also had a huuge argue with the hubby to be and ya..

Anyways we made up.. New day and new start..

Yesterday I decided I would go on the skinny girl diet. I have made a page on the blog about what it is and the rules and so on.

I also joined americaneaglelove on her May/June cometition. She says "This competition begins on May 10th, ends on June 10th. Anyone is welcome and encouraged to join, but I won't be able to mail out a prize to you if you win and you don't live in the US. The purpose of this friendly competition is to have fun, hopefully provide motivation towards your goals, and to help encourage others." There is a prize, but I don't really care about it. I just want/NEED the motivation.

I wasn't sure if I was going to join, I was just really ashamed of how fat I am looking at the weights of the girls that are on it. But ya.. I guess the fatter you are the more you need the support and motivation?

Anyways, making another page for the intake/ wight updates for the diet. I like to keep the blog posts for rambles, but still have the numbers somewhere.

One of those days!

Yesterday was an ok day with food. I didn't binge, and I have only purged once since my bff went back. So I guess thats good. I think the amount of what I eat instead of combining it with what I eat way of doing the restriction. It makes it so much easier to think there are no "forbidden" foods and I can have it IF I really want it. Ofc there are limits to that, but I like to have the freedom.
Anyways, I am still way too fat. But I am not going to compare my self to many of those wonderful girls on the blogs I read. I will get there too. Slowly maybe.. But I will..

On another note.. ( I am at work to this post is getting updated VERY slowly, hehe ) .. Anyways.. I just ordered my whole wedding outfit.. It was a huge sale and suddenly poof.. I had my dress- veil- bolero- and undergarment for 1/3 of the budget I had... Like OMG!!!! They will deliver it all in a couple of weeks.. I cant wait.. ^^ I just loved the top... It's so so so cute

Here is the rest of it:

Finally... I was so tired of thinking about the dress .. So glad it's all done! Now there are only 5000 other details to look into.. hehe..

It's weird to think how fast time has been going by. It is now just under 12 weeks to the wedding. So thats 11 weeks where I can get smaller. Other than the London trip (3rd.- 6th of June) there isn't many other food related gatherings we have to attend.

- Back from my lunch break.. And I feel horrid. A tad panicky.. Too fat.. I had a chicken toast. Haven't eaten anything but that today.. But then as I was taking my last bite there was this girl.. And she was... SO SKINNY.. She was so tiny.. And wearing these tiny little shorts.. Everything about her was tiny... And I just realized (yet again) how huge I am... I am fat and I keep going on and on about eating. While I could skip lunch, I go spend money on getting me food.. And my wedding day is only weeks away. Instead of getting thin I just eat??
WTF is wrong with me?
You don't get thin by eating. You don't get thin by sitting on your fat ass... You don't get thin by wishing it.. Skinny girls don't spend time on eating every meal do day? They don't spend their money on fatty shit.. They say no thanks.. I have every chance of just not eating anything every day until I get home after work and I just do it?? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just say no?

Anyways.. I am going on the skinny girl diet. I have 23 days before London, going to start tomorrow on day 3- and keep it up to day 26. We are going to be in London from Friday till Monday, So Ill go back on day 2 from tuesday when we get back.

And yes calories from fruit will count for me.. I don't see why they shouldn't. Going to make a new page for the diet and update as it goes.

Anyone wants to join me?

Edit:
Just came across this post, gonna read it.. Seems interesting


oh Edit again: 
That post seems kind of BS ish... anyways.. 

Stay or move?? Thin or fat??

There are a few things that are giving me sleepless nights. The wedding details are going well. Most of it is planned, and I am starting to look more and more forward to it. On that note, I am feeling more and more lonely. I miss my friends in Oslo. I really really feel alone. I have no girl friends, and my bf doesn't really have any couple friends. The one guy that has a gf, well she is 10 years younger than me.. And she is very special..
I really enjoy my coworkers, but my team is me and 10 guys.. They are very nice and such.. But they are all so "wanna be macho" and so on.. I can't go shoe shopping with them :(
After my BFF was here.. I have been feeling even more alone.. It was so nice to have her around ( even with the munching ) ... My friends back in oslo are all in my age range.. All are couples now.. Are married/ or are to be married.. Live together.. Have kid/ want kids.. You get the idea..
If we are to have kids.. They will have so many kids to be around. So many that we already know they can grow up with.. I know.. I know.. The kids will have friends and such later on anyways.. But ya.. I guess I am reading too much into it cause I feel alone.. I have been having too much time on my hands the last few days.. Being home sick from work.. I guess that's why its all a tad too much...

Anyways, I was chatting to a friend and what she said made sense. I think one of the reasons, maybe the main reason why I can't stick to a diet is cause I restrict what I can eat, instead of just restricting the calories. I think thats why I always go on a "binge" when I first have a bite of one of the "forbidden" foods. Maybe instead of restricting everything I should just focus on calories and fat. Restrict those and go from there? Anyways I dunno. I think its worth the try.

*Le Fat*

This is yet another I'M FAT post.. Yes yes.. I know I have many of them.. I just don't know what's wrong with me.. I am fat.. I hate that I am fat.. I hate the way I look. I hate how everything is covered in fat.. I hate the fact that every time I try to go on a diet I end up being huger than I first started. For one I can't keep going on them. The only time I did, it was when I was doing the Atkins, that is probably cause you can eat alot... And ya.. It really made me ill. But I did lose weight on it.. Anyways.. The two shake and a salad diet makes me really moody.. I have moodswings from hell... ( ya I know .. I normally have them.. But these are extra bad ) .. Anyways.. I don't know anymore.. I am so tired of binging and purging.. and binging and purging.. I have been purging so much lately that my whole tummy is fucked... I can't bend a tad after eating, without feeling everything comeup.. Even if it is something as simple as tea... And my weight keeps going up and up and up.. I don't know why though.. Cause it's not much that is staying inn..
I don't care anymore.. I don't care how I go down.. I am sick of making plans and it not working cause I aim for too much.. I just want to get thin.. Really thin.. Can feel my chest bones, have a gap between my thighs kind of skinny.. Oh and I know it sounds "wrong"... I really really really want smaller boobs... and arms.. ah well.. I really really really want smaller everything.

I suck... that's all... I am full of words.. No full of BS mostly.... and that's it... I sack.. I hate it but keep doing it...

Done with hungry!

As I mentioned before I have been reading Hungry. And I really enjoyed the first half of it.. Now that I am almost at the end.. I dunno... I mean.. How can she go from ana to "oh I wanna be a plus size model" and just start eating? And then I mean.. Ofc I am really happy for her.. Being healthy and so on.. But like poof.. and all her issues are gone?? I don't get it.. And then she keeps going on and on about how it is ok to be fat. And how most of the americans are obese cause they are between 25-30 on the BMI charts?? I just can't wrap my head around it.
Then she goes on and on and on trying to explain how those people aren't really fat, and how its better to be a tad overweight for your health than underweight.. Most of people with some sense know that it can't be better to be fat.. I really enjoyed the first half of the book. And I love the behind the scenes on the fashion site. The last part is kind of annoying me...

Ah well... I just don't get it....

:( Britan's fattest teen!

I came across this article.. And I really feel sorry for her. Poor girl.. I know being fat is a choice.. But this.. And then the issues with Ana..

I dunno... I really feel sorry for her :(

Back to the start..

Todays WI was much better than the one couple days ago. I am back where I was before my bff came to visit. And that is good news. Cause I felt ttly yuck.. More yuck than usual.. I have been reading the book Hungry after I read about it on Harlows blog and I must admit, I am really enjoying this book. I am alomost halfway and I really have a hard time putting the book away everytime I HAVE to put it away. I was very down, and in a bad place when I read wasted by Maria hornbacher. It made it "easier" to purge.. I dont know if it makes sense.. And I really hate that feeling.. Anyways hungry is a good book.. If you like to read, I recommend it..

Not feeling all too great today.. I have a bad headache.. I think I havent been drinking enough water or something. I also forgot to take my CLA pills with me. I guess I will have to take them when I get home. One of many downsides of having Fibromyalgia is that I need an "in" day per week.. Else my body shuts down.. I dont know why.. It just has been like this for ages.. I didn't get that last week, and I really feel like my body is.. Like.. Really difficult to work with.. It's like I have no energy and I am even more short tempered that I normally am. I am also insanly sensitiv when it comes to light and smells.. And when I feel like I do today. It all becomes too much to deal with.. 

I am considering to just go home from work.. I don't seem to be able to keep going. But I am still pretty new at this job. And I did have Monday off cause my BFF was here.. So I dunno.. 

Edit:

2 shake and a salad diet.

I have a had a few good days, enjoying my bffs company. It was sad to see her leave.. But I'm afraid it was also a relief. We have had a great time.. Did a looot of shopping.. Well she bought the stuff.. I am NOT gonna buy a single more peiece of clothing until I am less FAT.. I did however try on this amazing wonderful wedding dress.

It looked good on me.. And it felt like it was it.. The perfect dress.. BUT it does cost almost twice as much I was thinking about spending on the dress. Well not the dress in it self but the whole sett with the veil and so on. I am gonna try it on again in 3 weeks, and see how it feels. And if I still love it.. I might just get it.. Why in 3 weeks?? Well, basicly.. I can't wait longer than that to order the dress. They needed 3-4 weeks to deliver it.. And I am hoping to be a couple of dress sizes smaller by then. I was so blowded and fat yesterday when I tried the dress on that everything was just sticking out... yuck.. 

As much as I love my bff.. But she is one of those nonestop eaters.. She HAS to eat often.. And she was sippy if I didnt join her. I purged a couple of times.. But having her and my fiance around didn't really give me the chance to get rid of the rest of food.. And with no gym I have been feeling huger and huge.. I have gained a whole lot of weight.. But ya I am not going to care.. I am gonna leave it all behind me and just look at this as a yet another but a final restart. I needed some girl time and I guess thats just how it is.. Anyways.. 

I am going to do Rusty's 2 shake and a salad diet the next upcomming 3 weeks. This is how it works: 

• Drink a 30-40 gram meal replacement shake for breakfast.
• Drink a 30-40 gram meal replacement shake for lunch.
• Eat a salad for dinner with 1-2 chicken breasts and vinegar based dressing (I like rice vinegar).
• If you are especially hungry, eat an apple after dinner.
• If you are still hungry, eat a cup of cottage cheese before bed.

My protein shake has 103 calories per portion. So that is a total of 206 calories until dinner. For the salad I am going to mix grilled chicken filet with lettuce but also have a portion of some sort of green veg on the side. That will be a 300 calories at most. Even with some fruit later at night will the total intake be less than 600 calories. 

This is what Rusty is giving as an exemple on how a good option for a salad is: 

• 1 medium head of lettuce: 55 calories – 5 grams of protein
• 1 medium bag of lettuce: 45 calories – 3 grams of protein
• 1 boneless chicken breast: 80 calories – 16 grams of protein
• 1 hard boiled egg: 80 calories – 6 grams of protein
• 1 ounce of cheddar cheese: 115 calories – 7 grams of protein
• 1 dozen almonds: 90 calories – 5 grams of protein
• 1 medium carrot: 25 calories – 1 gram of protein
• 1 Tbsp olive oil: 40 calories – 0 grams of protein

I don't like cheddar and the idea of the fat is just making me very ill.. Almonds might be good but I just don't like them in my salad, I'd prefer having seeds instead of nuts, so i guess that is out of the picture. I like hard boiled egg but on a piece of bread or on its own, never in my salad. But ya maybe it's not a bad idea of having it on the side. I dunno. I might have it from day to day, but atm I think I want to keep it simple. 

Oh and I know for a fact that I will be soo hungry hehe, but I found this post which will make it "easier" I guess. Embrace Hunger and Hunger Pains While Dieting... Catchy.. Isn't it? 

Anyways.. 3 weeks from today goes fast. Then it will be a week of a bit more food, before I hop on the it again. I will also keep going to the gym as I used to. To get my HIIT up and get more endurance. 

Later:

So my brain has been working overtime lol.. Work and such.. But I can't get this off my head.. So here it goes..

- There are 3,500 calories in a pound of fat
- My current BMR is 2843- 19901 per week..(  My goal weight BMR is 2010 which means 14070 per week )
- With the two shake and a salad diet, and a piece of fruit a day, not couting the gym my weekly intake will be
around 5000 calories
So with no gym I will be on a - 14901 cal per week.. That is a tad over 4 lb fat per week.

Is it just me or is it very very very little? I hope that it will be more.. Alot more... heh..