Whhhhyyy.....

So today, half way through the work day it start snowing.. ALOT.... First I was upset - specially since I wanted to start C25K with Nasimiyu today and I could feel that I was going on my "excuse mode" ..

And then to make things a tad more meh.. Around dinner time, I warmed up the chicken filet I had made yesterday to realize that it tasted horrible... I was testing this new honey curry seasoning and eow.. The chicken tasted so bad :S .. Hubby, eats pretty much anything... So he ate my chicken filet and I had some of his pasta.. And paste = wheat = I felt every more horrible..

So I was slacking on the sofa - surfing online, reading blogs.. And then I saw this post on K's blog  and here she says: " I read something that said if you really want it, you'll do whatever it takes to get it it... and if you don't, you'll make excuses." ..

So I got my butt out of the couch - and went on and did around 35 mins of WiiFit.. Burned 316 cals - and I don't really think it is that bad.. And then I sat down and tracked my eats on myfitnesspal.. I got me a nice surprise.. Todays net is 318 cals.. And you know what? - I don't hate it ^^

My weight keep going up and down - and I think if I am ever going to keep going down, instead of up - I really need to stick to whatever I am doing...

So baby steps - and keep going at it without changing the plan all the time is the way to go.. And I really think that is the thing that will work the best at the end..

So the plan is :
Eat veggies - fruit and lean protein
Exercise for atleast 30 mins - 5 days a week.



<3

Rant..

Weather is finally getting better.. And I think I should really get my act together with the exercising. I have been thinking about renewing my gym membership, but then I really thought about it.. There is always so many excuses to be made going to the gym.. And i have been talking about how I want to start running for AGES.. And we have the great park next to our place. So I am going to have get my act together.

I'm thinking about running every other day, and do either a Jillian dvd or something else every other day. This way I can ease into it.

Anywho - I am loving the idea of going more low carb - and getting into working out.. This is good. And you know what.. I have been thinking.. The only thing I would have to change if/when I get pregnant is to up the amount of my eats and change the exercise plan.

Anyways.. The weight hasn't being the way I wanted it.. Last week was a bad food week.. But I am getting my act together - Yet again.. hehe

I read this thing some where.. Can't remember where.. But it said "You haven't failed until you give up" - and I am not giving up.. I don't care how many times I mess up and crash.. I will keep going and going..


<3

Low carb.. Ish ;)

I'm going low fat/low carb from Monday. I am not doing low carb a la atkins or anything. My plan is to have protein shakes and maybe fruit at work. And going to have grilled chicken/fish with veg for dinner. For the weekends I am thinking to have egg white scramble or omlette instead of the shakes.

Going to keep it short - cause we have a full day ahead.

Have a great weekend loves <3

Yet another "Tired" post :)

Work has been super busy and I am again very tired. Weather is very unstable and it is really putting its mark on my body. But it is getting warmer - so that is great news :)

But other than that I guess I'm ok. I have been doing OK with food. But I want to get back on tracking properly and start exercising.

I have around 2 weeks to lose 12 ish lbs and I don't think it will be doable without the exercise. I also think the exercising will help me being very very tired all the time, and also help my moodswings :)

Anywho - thought I would check in and say that I'm alive hehe

<3

Of kindness..

Tiny post to thank you all for being so amazing - and for being there. I will think about and consider what you all said very carefully. Thank you again for being who you ladies are <3


Have a great weekend girls <3

Loving this song today - thought I'd share if with you :)

Moodswings..

I'm doing good with food.. Already lost some weight - and I think my goal for this week is not that far off.. But the rest of me isn't doing so well.. I had a nice chat with Christina yesterday and she really cheered me up (Thanks a whole lot love).. But I went pretty fast down again..

Yesterday we talked a little about our past - our families and the relationship with our mum.. And I probably have talked about this before - but I think I maybe need to talk about it again.

My issues with food started at a very early age.. I started hiding, overeating around age of 6-7 when my step dad told me that I was fat.. He told me that I would never find a husband being this fat.. He then started taking over food when I was eating - or forcing me to eat things I didn't like to put me off food. So every time I got the change I overate.. I was forced to exercise, join an aerobic class right after.. I guess he was ashamed of having a fatty around..

Want to hear the "fun" side of this story? - I was pretty skinny as a child..

Back then we used to live in Iran.. My family had some issues cause they converted from being muslim to Christians.. And that the fact that my gandpa used to be the police chief of Tehran back before the revulotion in Iran.. So my step dad - and mum wanted us to move out of Iran..

My mum and I. We never were that close.. I don't remember her hugging me - or saying things like she loved me.. She got me pretty young - and my dad died right before I was born.. So from a pretty young age, she made sure to tell me how unwanted I was.. How she wished she could go back in time and take that abortion..

Anywho.. When I was around 10 - she moved to Norway.. She was then pregnant with my youngest step sister - and the middle one was 5 and she moved to Norway with her. I was then left behind to live with my step dad.. Who pretty fast started to rape and abuse me.. Saying things like my body looking like my mothers - and how we were the same.. I got to move to Norway based on a family renunion right before I turned 13.. New country.. New people.. I was so damaged.. I had gained alot of weight during my time with my step dad - cause that was the only thing I thought would make him stay away from me..

Funny how he loved my body turning into a womans body, instead of a small girl.. I guess he didn't feel as "guilty" then - if he ever did feel guilty..

I moved to my own place right before I turned 16.. During those years - my mum and I got even further apart.. When I tried to tell her about the rape - she said it was my own fault.. When I tried to talk to her, she was busy.. Or didn't want to. I remember this one episode when she asked me to do something - something random like "clean your room" - and i wanted to watch the tv show I was watching - and she actually pulled out a kitchen knife - and well lets put it this way.. I ran to my room, and locked the door and she kept stabbing the door.. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if she had gotten to me..

So I moved.. Couple years later - when I turned 18 - I moved out of the town where she lived.. I didn't talk to her for years..

One of my many ex's ment I should contact them - cause "you only have one family" .. I think I was around 22 when I talked to her..

She has no clue about how my life was during those years.. And I can tell you that - it wasn't easy.. Those were some of my selfharm years of cutting and such.. But after this - we had a "good" phone relationship..

We would talk from time to time - she would tell me about her issues - worries ect.. Very shallow this relationship of ours..

I don't if I have mentioned it - but I still can't go there - her house.. Everytime I do - I end up being depressed for weeks..

And now.. I dunno really.. I am a grown up.. And i guess I did forgave her over the years.. But sometimes I wonder.. I wonder how my life would be if she actually made me feel like she cares..

I think - one of the reasons for my depression has been her last comment.. You remember the post about my sister.. She then told me that I should get help to deal with my anger issues.. And you know what ? - The thing I don't understand is why she always blames me.. My anger issues...

Sometimes I so want to tell her that my anger issues are the smallest part of my issues..

I do wonder if maybe I should go talk to someone.. About all of this.. But then we have the trust issues.. No body reall understands unless they have lived it .. Do they?...

I feel like I am falling.. I have had to take a break from my desk and rush to the bathroom cause I suddenly was bursting into tears the last couple of days..

What the hell am I supposed to do? At the moment.. I feel like the only thing I can trust again - is food.. Eating it--- Not eating it-- Numbers...

Does it make sense?

I know that my life has shaped me to who I am today - and that is the reason why I am "strong" - why I can always digg my self out of every thing.. I have done it several times before.. But sometimes.. Just for a little moment.. I wish I could have been "normal" ...

I wish I could pick up the phone and call my mum and talk to her just to talk.. Not out of duty..
I wish I could just open up and trust people.. Make friends without being a "wall" ... Without having to put up the face of being this strong girl - who isn't effected by anyones words..

Sometimes.. I wish this was all just a dream.. That I could one day wake up and it all would be just a bad dream...

Anywho.. Thanks for reading.. And believing in me and my goals.. Thanks for being there when I don't really feel like I have anyone else..

Loads of love..

<3

Second post of the day!

Sorry for being a pain and rant so much.
I have been thinking a bunch today. The last few days have really been harsh and I have had to deal with feelings I really didn't want to. And it has been making me feel like.. I don't want to be this way anymore.. I don't want to feel so insecure about what my hubby says.. Taking everything he says the "wrong" way, cause I feel bad about my self.. I really miss me..
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he said that I have always be the biggest flirt he knows.. And you know what? - I used to be.. I was so full of confidence - never shy.. No matter how big I was - I always knew that I was beautiful.. My ex really did fuck me up.. I lost all my believe in my self.. I forgot how I used to feel about me..
And I really want to find my way back to that..
I think one way for me to be able to get back to that is to just get to a normal weight.. I don't want to be too skinny.. I used to love my curves.. I want to get back to feeling happy..

So.. I have put up new challenges for my self.. I am going to reach my goalweight by my birthday.. And my smart self knows that I can not keep skipping meals and so on forever. So I have some thoughts on what I am going to do.

First I am going to keep what I used to do (before this weekend) out this week. From Monday, I am going to start having up it and start having more normal meals.
I am going to have fruit for breakfast - steamed veg mix for lunch - fruit snack or protein shake if I am hungry - and dinner. My calorie goal will still be 1200 calories at the max level - but I am also going to get back to working out again. Don't really care if it is going to be a Jillian dvd - or jogging or even WiiFit.. I just want to get in a session a day.

I know that I will reach my valentine goal by end of this week. I will make it happen. And after that - to reach my GW I need to get rid of a total of 106 lbs. I have 28 weeks left until my birthday.. So my goal is 4 lbs a week. I know that it will get off pretty easy to start with and that I will probably lose to start with, and I know that I will need it the closer it gets to the end.

I just had a thought.. When I was at my lowest weight (around 147 lbs) I used to be pretty small - I was a size 8-10 US . and my goal weight is around 20 lbs under that... And maybe for some of you being a 6-8 isn't enough.. But I honestly think I would be happy with it..

Anywho.. Goals and challenges are updated. And I am going to reread "you can be thin" and start listening to her CD again. So wish me luck..

Love you all <3

Happy Valentines!

Valentines is here.. Did I reach my goal?: No, the dmg from the weekends binge were too high for me to reach it - Am I going to let the last few days stop me and ruin my coming progress?: Hell NO! - What am I going to do?: I am going to give my self the rest of this week to reach this goal! - Will I reach it? Hell YA! 

Thanks for your support ladies.. Hubby and I have had a long talk - and he says he knew he said something really stupid the minute he said what he did - and that the only reason why he brought candy up is cause it was Saturday, and it's a nordic thing to have the Saturday candy.. He is really sorry - and he has been trying his best to "fix" what he did since then.. So we are ok. :) 

I am going back on really getting my act together starting tomorrow. I am going to reach my valentine goal by the end of this week - and I will keep working on my Chamonix goal.. Also as an extra motivation I am adding an extra 5 lbs on the Chamonix goal.. I wanted to get rid of 20 lbs by then - it is now 25lbs - and hopefully I can make it 30.. 

Going to get a tad updated on your blogs.. Have a very happy valentines ladies.. And oh ^^ I saw this picture on Facebook I HAD to share with you hehe 

<3 

I don't think...

I do not think I will reach my valentine goal..
I have been on a binge ever since the thing with hubby... It has been really bad... And even though I wanted to stop yesterday- I didn't... I have today.. But I think the damage from this weekends binge is too much for me to be able to reach my goal.. I guess we will see tomorrow..

Some of you wanted to know what he said.. And I guess it is my fucked up brain that is taking what he said the way I did.. I dunno...

What happened is that I wanted us to run some errands - so we went out. Our second stop was to get a new box - w/e it's called - for tools and stuff we have home. When we were in line to pay (we were in the middle of the line - so it was a bunch of people both before and after us) - I saw that they were selling these mini packs of super glue. 4 small ones - in one pack - and I said "We should get these - they are great, so now if you only going to use it on something small - it wont dry up the whole thing".. He was like "Oh we don't need them" - and I said "I think we should" and grabbed a pack ... And then he said (and pretty loud for everyone to hear) : "Then this will your candy for today - and we wont get you anything else"


The second he said it - and saw the look on my face he said "I didn't mean it the way it sounded"...

So I  left the line and went to the car.. When he got to the car I think I yelled at him for being a fucking jerk - and how fucked up it is that he is making me feel the way he is - and how unfair it is that he is making it sound to everyone around like I keep sending him out to get me candy..
When we got inside the car - I couldn't hold it together - and I burst into tears and a rant.. Told him how fucked up I already felt walking next to him when he is skinnier than Paris Hilton - having me looking like a hippo next to him - and that he didn't need to make it sound to everyone else like I am always eating candies and shit.. And then the word vomit kind of keep going .. I told him that I already felt like fat fuck every time I pass a mirror - or every time I try to get cloths on.. Or every time I just think of my self..

Anyways.. You get the idea.. I got home.. Got out of the car - and told him not to come home for few hours, cause I needed time away from him..

And then I binged.. And purged.. First time in months.. And then the circle kind of never ended.. Yesterday too.. I b/p ed a bunch of times.. It is weird to say that I am out of practice so I couldn't get it all out?? ....

We talked last night - so I guess things are OK.. But I feel all rotten inside.. You know the freaking hate feeling you get from purging.. Ah well.. I am also very bloated.. Probably from all the salty crappy stuff I munched on all day... And cause my body feels completely out of balance..

I am staying off food all day.. Tonight I think I will just have some veg. No salt.. Hopefully tomorrow the number on the scale wont make me want to die any more than usual...

<3

Motivation..

Saw this on facebook and it is supposed to be a positive outlook... I see motivation and wanted to share it with you.. I know that you understand why..

PS: Thanks for being there.. Yesterday was a horrible day... This morning didn't start so well either.. But I am going to stop the bad trend and stay strong from this moment on..

Love you all <3

Wooo!!!!!

The scale is moving again!!! 1.3 kg/ 2.8 lbs overnight! Woooohooo!!! Can't really complain now can I?? :D This means I have 0.7/ 1.5 lbs left to actually be able to reach my valentine goal! 3 days.. 1.5 lbs! Doable?? HELL YEAH!

Ladies... I must say.. I finally feel like I can do it.. And I really think I can.. As far as the gameplan goes - It might be too extreme - so I might add some fruit or more veg to it.. I think I should really watch it so I don't go into a binge mode..

Over to the phone update.. OMG! I LOVE IT!!!!! It is so much faster than my old phone and I have found some fun apps already.. I am so loving this new phone..

As you might have noticed - I am in a much better mood today. And it is not because I actually slept to like around 12 today and feel rested.. Last night I had a proper talk with hubby about the whole baby thing. I made it very clear that I really do want one with him, but that I am not mentally ready for it. I am not ready to give up our life as a couple.. And how our sex life (or the lack of it due to all the stress we have had) was effecting me.. I also had a good cry and I felt that I finally could relax about the whole thing.
And he really understood. He understands that it's not me not wanting it - just not now.. For all I know - maybe I will feel more ready for it later this year.. I just don't want to always be on the edge and feeling guilty about it..

I feel so much more relaxed about everything now. I feel really positiv about things and I think not having the stress, the guilt and the depression will make things much easier.

I wish you girls a great weekend <3



Edit:
And there .. I knew this was too good to be true.. He has in a minute managed to make me feel like a huge worthless shit piece of fat fuck... I don't care that he doesn't mean the things he says in "that" way.. He fucking should watch the crap coming out of his mouth.. I cried all the way home in the car - and now I just feel numb.. I fucking hate him for making me feel like this when I finally felt a tiny little tad better.. FFS....

Game plan!

Ok.. So I got on the scale this morning and it was a total gain of 1 lbs. If I am to have any chance of reaching my valentines goal I need to up the ante. I also want to push it a little extra the next week to make up for the lost week.
This is what I am planning to eat the upcoming days..
Today: WW soup - 114 cal - steamed broccoli or beans 30 cals
Saturday and Sunday: Homemade spelt pasta 309 cals - Jello to cover the weekend sugar craving (10 cal portion)
Monday: WW soup - 114 cal - steamed broccoli or beans 30 cals
Tuesday: Valentine dinner - Veggie Sushi (around 350 cals)
Wednesday: Blueberry oatmeal (180 cals)
Thursday: Blueberry oatmeal (180 cals)
Friday: WW soup - 114 cal - steamed broccoli or beans 30 cals
Saturday and Sunday: Homemade spelt pasta 309 cals - Jello to cover the weekend sugar craving (10 cal portion)

Yes yes.. I know - I tend to eat the same stuff over and over again.. But I have a bunch of foods I eat over periods cause they make me feel safe.. I am going to keep the coming days pretty low cal. I will take my vitamins - and you need to add a bunch of black coffee - green tea and water to the list. Oh and maybe some coke zero, some sugar-free chewing gum/mints.. But all of those things barely have any calories. I think my morning espresso shots are the one with highest cals at 4 cals each shot hehe..

Oh and hubby is now mostly out two nights a week, aka Wednesday and Thursday, training for his upcoming competition.. So I can easily get away with the oatmeal.. It's funny how he thinks that the ww soups are more "food" than the oatmeal and doesn't argue on me having them for dinner.

I just went to get more tea - and I just thought "this is the reason why I am afraid of having kids".. You see - the 50 lbs is a health concern.. But you ladies know me pretty well.. We all know that I can not have a kid as long as this is my mindset.. I need to get a grip of my thoughts first..
Fun fact of the day: Hubby wants to go and look at cribs this weekend... Fuck my life lol...

Anywho.. Lunch break over..

Loads of love <3

Yesterdays mess..

Fuck having the period lol.. I was so on the edge all day yesterday.. Moodswings from hell.. And cravings.. Ooooh the cravings.. And I had a really bad binge last night.. It was horrible.. But I guess the bright side of the story is my body reacting to the wheat and the dairy and so on - so most of it came "out".. (sorry for the TMI).. I went on the scale today.. I am up 200 grams.. But considering the binge, the period and everything it's not that bad. I am getting back to normal and it should be over today. 

I am getting on the scale to see what I got to work with after everything this week.. But I must say - I have done pretty good ignoring what happened last night. This means I have 2.8 lbs left to reach my goal by Tuesday morning (The valentine challenge goal).. Ah well.. I will try my best.. And hopefully my body will follow.. 

Over to something different.. How do you truly know that you are ready to get pregnant.. I mean.. I know I have said I will go for it when I have reached a goal of 50 lbs loss.. But lately I have been thinking.. Will I mentally be ready for it? 

I mean.. I have always wanted kids.. And I have my finances under control.. I have a steady job.. An amazing husband.. And I am turning 30 this year.. So why do I always end up with a list of "excuses" when I think about it? ... Have you guys thought about it? .. Most my friends that are around my age already have a kid and on their way to have a second even third.. Maybe I am just scared? .. I really don't know.. 

I know for a fact that if I was to find out that I was pregnant for sure today, that I would deal with it and that I would be the best mum I could ever be (aka nothing like my own mum lol).. But I don't feel "willing" to put it into action.. Do you understand what I mean?? 

Ah well.. Lunch break almost over.. 

<3 

Mini post :)

So yesterday during work I got my period.. Kind of wasn't expecting it.. My phone app had bugged and I thought I wouldn't have it before like end of this month.. Funny how we are so depended on all this apps and what nots.. I am staying off the scale this week.. I tend to be really bloated and weigh so much more during my period and I really don't want it to being me down.
I have been feeling really ill today - so I ate some food for lunch - and had some dinner. Don't know how many calories they had, so I over calculated them.. Still pretty under the budget - but the eating ttly backfired.. I have been really ill all night.. Sorry for the TMI - but been running back and furth to the wc a bunch of times and now I feel even more bloated.. I have decided that if I do feel more dizzy or w/e this week, I am going to have some fruit - that way I know I wont get sick.
Last night I ordered a new phone. I landed on the Iphone 4S - after being unsure about what phone to go for.. I have been an android user for ages and I love it but for some reason the good android phones are getting huger and huger.. I wanted to get the Samsung galexy nexus - but OMG.. I have purses smaller than that phone.. WTF... So the iphone it is..
I also had to change my serviceprovider - and if everything goes by plan I will have it up and running this Saturday. So if any of you girls are iphone users give me heads up on some good apps- I will ofcourse get the myfitnesspal app - but I am using a converter and a weight tracker app on my current phone that I would love to have on the new phone too :) Oh and something to track the monthly visits would be good too hehe. (OK end of geek rant)!
Other than that I went over my dashboard today - I cleaned it up and removed a bunch of  dead blogs, and so on... I really don't dare going on the blog with my boss sitting right behind me, having complete overview of my screen.. So I have less time to spend on the blog as I used to - but I am not finally updated on all of your blogs and I hope that I can move soon so I can go back to chilling with the blog at work again hehe.. (Sounds wrong, but it was the only think I could relax with) ...
I have added a tad of info to my "goals" tab - I am going to put up an overview on the personal challenges I am putting up for my self.. Like the valentines one - and the 20 lbs before the Chamonix one.. I think putting up mini goals and challenges for my self will help keep me motivated..
anywho - getting late, so I'm going to hit the sack..

Have a good night ladies :)

<3

Update!

So I got on the scale and I was pretty happy.. Last weeks total loss is now 4.2 lbs and I can not really say I am unhappy about it ^^

I just want to make something clear about my tracking and eats. Since I don't track all the macro nutrients of everything I eat - the numbers on the nutrient report on my last post aren't accurate. I track calories, carbs, fats, saturated fat, protein, and fibre.

I am not worried about my vitamin and mineral intake since I do eat enough greens and I do take the supplements. I take a multi- vitamin, mineral supplement, made for woman which means it also includes iron and folic acid. An additional D supplement cause of my fibromyalgia and a calcium, magnesium combo. I also take extra Iron during that time of the month if my bleeding is strong.

On top of that - I also get my values checked once a year to be sure. I used to have low D, iron and B levels, few years back, so I am extra careful with how and what I eat.

The reason why I just posted the whole nutrition report is cause I really couldn't bother with too much cut and pasting to only put up the stuff I track :) - I might just post the weekly nets from next week hehehe :)

Anywho...

New week, another Monday, and another week of "what to eat" questions ahead. ^^ I have to shorten down my blog time during work cause I have moved my desk and now my hunky teamleader sits right behind me and looks directly at my screen.

I will catch up on the blogs later today..

Loads of love <3

This weeks report...

Here are this weeks numbers:

My goal is 1200 calories a day and I have been doing OK most days. I haven't been exercising.. So I need to work on that.. 

I have lost 3.5 lbs this week.. This means I am 3.5 lbs and 8 days away from reaching my mini goal.. And I must say.. It seems really doable now :) 

<3

Edit: I wanted to mention that I don't track my vitamine supplements - So I guess with those the nutrients would look different. I try to remember them everyday but yeah... 

My sister is a whore..

And I am even not joking.. I am just so over my family.. Why should we keep trying to keep them in our lives when they only bring us sadness, stress and pain?

As if it is not enough that she sleeps with anything on two legs and is proud of it.. She added all my close friends on facebook after the wedding, and yesterday she filled her page with almost naked pictures.. I am not joking girls.. It wasn't much left to the imagination.. And she doesn't understand why I ask her to either remove the pictures or my friends from there.. Oh did I mention she isn't even 18? Ugg... Still so pissed.. I barely got 2 hours of sleep last night.. And I have made up my mind.. I am DONE... I am going to take a distance.. Really really long one.. I can not deal with it all anymore.. They have fucked me - and my life enough..

Oh and get this.. Today my mum tells me that I need to get pro help to deal with my anger issues.. OMFG.. I wouldn't have anger issues if it wasn't for them.. Jeez.. So over it.. So done!

Anywho... C'est la vie ya?

This morning when I woke up I got me a good surprise.. The scale moved again.. So it is 2.9 lbs since Monday.. I am so happy about it. I have my weekend eats fully planned - I am not going the weekend ruin this for me..

Talking about the weekend.. I hope you all have a great one.. And as weird as it might sounds... Some of you feel closer to me than my own mum and sisters have ever done.. Thank you so much <3

Finally!

I know I still need to learn to not let the scale dictate my mood - but I was soo happy when I got on the scale this morning, and I haven't been able to stop smiling since then ^^
After a week of not counting, and the gain, the scale is moving again and this time in the right direction.. Yaay :) I have lost like 1.5 lbs over night - and I beg to God that it isn't just water weight.
Eventhough I haven't been squeezing in exercise yet, my intake is very much under control thanks to skipping meals during the day. The one thing that bugs the hell out of me is that I didn't think of this before.. Imagine how much I could have lost if I had been following this a year ago..

Anywho - no need to dwell on the past..

@ Claire: I am not sure if I have allergies, but I am def. reacting to them. This is now a very stupid question, but gluten allergies isn't the same as wheat intolerance is it? (I should ttly google this a tad hehe) - And ya we have health stores and other option, I am looking into more options :)

To the rest - thanks for always being there <3