hello fatty...

So according to the new fancy scale I weigh in around 80 lbs more than my fiance... now that is the definition of fat... right.. off to bed now... laters girls...

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Stress!!!

We had our official meeting with the priest that is going to get us hooked yesterday.. And OMG!!! He was one special nut case.. I don't know if it is because I was raised in the protestant church and he was from the old Swedish church or what ever.. But he was a nutcase... First of all.. He said " the bride and the groom walk down the isle together" WOOT??? No they don't??? And then when I told him I wanted the "you may kiss your bride" after we are done.. He said " no that is an american movie tradition" and then he managed to keep going on and on about what a sexist act it would be to tell a man he is "allowed" to kiss his wife as if he owned her and blabla.. Oh and he wanted people to sing all the time.. Before and after every single act he wanted a song!! We don't want any dude... *sigh*

Mark my words.. God help him if he messes up my wedding!!! It will be war lol .. I am going to send him an email with details on how we want it to be.. And he better adjust.. I am planning to do this properly and I don't want some guy with weird ideas about things to ruin it.. 

What else.. Lets see.. I have trouble with blogger.. Seem like it goes mental and can't save my post.. So I have to copy it.. And clear cache and everything.. Relog.. And then paste it and try to publish it.. Ah well.. I just got a note that my new scale was delivered.. I am really looking forward and dreading  to see the numbers on it..

It was btw really funny to see that I am not the only geek over here hehe. I haven't been gaming since october/nov last year but ya.. That is where I met my fiance. :)

@Eowin: Haha ^^ Hello fellow geek ^^ Your comment made me go to geek mode for a while ^^ No I haven't really gamed anything but WoW.. :) And yes distance relationships suck.. Gl on having the bf over hon.

@Seeking Something Else: Ya.. That was not my problem.. I had several high end chars and were raiding on all of them lol.. For a while I had no life but gaming.. hehe I did get into it by an ex but I kept going when it was over with him, cause well.. It is one great braindead activity.. And an amazing scape from the real life. 

@Fed Up: Hehe, I never said I wasn't ever going to stop couting.. I said I wanted too.. Tbh I think I am too addicted to it not to. Main focus atm is portion control but I always have the numbers on my mind .. But it was an iphone app, and I am an android user.. So we will see hehe

Oh and in Norway they use the term "kjæreste" which means "my dearest" .. I dunno why I keep calling him my bf instead my fiance.. I guess I have already had a fiance and he wasn't special to me.. So I keep using the term "kjæreste" aka Bf, cause I think he will always be just that, if you get what I mean. No matter how long we are together, or how old we are.. I want to him to always know that he is my dearest.  And it is becomming a habit to call him that too. I think I will be using "hubby" when we are married, cause that would mean something different to me hehe

@Absolute Darling : Good to know that I am not the only one.. He doesn't deserve my thoughts though.. Glad to hear that you have the love of your life now :)

@Nele : OMG lets not go into the guild talk lol.. I am way too geek to go into details of that ^^ And ya it is actually normal with couples ingame :) and it can be fun until they get into a fight over an item lol.. And yes I have actually seen that happen.. and ya that song is pretty nice :) Can be really catchy hehe

@Princess Perfection: It's an addiction love.. On the fun note.. I used to have a shoe collection ingame too lol.. And thanks hon. I am very happy with him.. He is more than what I could have wished for..

Thanks for all your support girls.. Means the world too me..

*yawn*

OMG I am so sleepy today.. I don't understand how people can sleep for 3-4 hours and keep going. Even 6 hours is most of the times too little for me.. But last night it was way too little sleep. I couldn't sleep. And it ended up with me talking to my bf about my ex.. lol I know I know.. But I am going to explain why.
My ex was the first from any guy I have ever dated that I was in love with.. I was head over hills.. We were together for 1,5 years ish- which isn't one of my longest relationships but it was an intense relationship. He was Dutch living in Netherlands- so we met once every 4-8 weeks but then a week or two at the time.
He is finishing up his masters so it ended up with me doing most of the travels and paying for most of things.. And I didn't really mind. I loved him and I wanted to be close to him. At some point we decided to move closer. He started looking into doing his internship in Norway and I started looking for jobs in NL. And then I got this great job offer.. So I had to made a decision.. We had a long talk and I gave a notice to my work and to the people I was renting my flat from. I called him minutes before I was delivering my notice at work and he was all "oh I love you.. we can do this.. Just do it" .. So I trusted him.. Being foolish.. Being naive and in love..
He came to visit me around 3 weeks before the move. And guess what.. The night before he was going to leave, he dumped me.And his reason was "it doesn't feel right" .. lol.. I can not even explain how I crashed.. I had nothing.. No job.. No place to live.. No plan.. No nothing. And the idea of going on with the moving plans just made me more sick.. So I stayed trying to clean up the mess I had ended up in. Him leaving and going on with his life..
I got keep my flat- and I got to keep my job part time. This happened for 13,5 months ago.. I met my current BF online.. And in a game.. Have you heard about world of  warcraft?? Yes I was a huge geek.. Anyways what happened was that he annoyed me so much that I ttly flipped. And that is how our relationship started hehe.. We started talking and we never stopped.. He came to visit me that weekend.. I warned him that I was crushed and not ready for something new but he didn't want to take a no for an answer. And I am so glad he didn't.. Our wedding is actually going to be on our first year anniversary.. So things have been moving forward  really fast.. And I am the happiest I could ever be.. He is more than what I could even wish for.. BUT this means that I never got to deal with my feelings.
My relationship with the Dutch was over mid May. I wasn't able to do anything but crying my eyes out for 3- 4 weeks, I don't deal with losing control too well and this made me crash.. I started cleaning up the mess I was left in Mid June- and I got to know my current BF in beginning of July. I flipped on him 2-3 weeks later.. And we met the 30th of July..
I still think about my ex from time to time.. I know he is a jerk and doesn't deserve my thoughts.. But he was my first true love.. I have loads of friends in Netherlands.. Some are his friends. So I guess he has heard about me getting married.. Ah I don't know what I am ranting about even.. It isn't like I look back.. Or I want him back.. Or anything.. I just never understood why.. How could he change his mind like that.. And no there is no other girl.. Cause I would know.. Some of his friends are more loyal to me than him lol..
I guess I am just thinking about all my past relationships now before the wedding and that is why I have been thinking of him..
My friend sang this song to me when I was on my lowest.. She has the most amazing voice.. So this song got stuck with me.. Nvm the silly clip.. I couldn't find one with proper sound than this one..

I want to stop counting..

Ok.. Ok.. So I know I have to count if I want to lose weight.. Either carbs or calories or whatever I decide to do.. But I am so sick of it. I am so sick of reading ALL the labels.. Spending hours and hours at the store just to get few items.. You know what I mean.. Don't you??
I have been thinking about what I am going to do with the whole food thing.. I have been thinking about low calorie.. Low carb.. Flexitarian.. and I am just so tired.. I can see it for me.. Food and the calorie/carb content lol.. I have been doing this shit for so long and I am still so fat..
So what am I going to do.. Well this is what I am going to do..
I am going to eat normal food. But in very small portions. To do so I am going to pick out a small bowl/plate and use that to have my portion control. If we eat out I will only eat half of what is served, most portions are too big anyways, aren't they??
So 3 main meals, and 2-3 snacks. And I am going to get my lazy bum to the gym. 3-4 days a week is a real goal for me. I will pick it up as I go and get more in shape- making it longer and more challenging.
So that's it.. Nothing fancy. Nothing expencive. No counting. That is after all how "normal" people do, isn't it? And I guess it is something that can be done no matter where I am or what sort of event I am going to.

Erh right..

Yesterday I opened one of the new boxes from the modifast stuff I got. I got them for like 10 days ago. And I ordered enough of it to last for 6 weeks. I hadn't used them since I already had 2 boxes of the products at home, and two at work. But last night I decided to test a new flavour and it was horrid.. And it smelled funny.. So I went and checked the box and the product was almost 6 months out of date :S.. I checked the rest of them and good thing that I did cause 12 of 15 boxes were out of date :S And thinking about the fact that the shit costed me almost 2000 kroners I was pissed.. So I called them today. And first she said that it was impossible and that I must have seen wrong. But after I flipped and made a "do you think I am fucking blond" , she went to check and it seems like they have had a patch of products that were out of date and had been sent out to customers ordering online by mistake.. I am sending them back today after work and I asked to get my money back. That leaves me with enough products to last this week.

Anyways I am going to figure out what I am going to do when I am out of them. The choices are between a low carb diet as Aye Ell mentioned. Or the flexitarian diet I mentioned in my last post. Or maybe just good old calorie counting with more real idea of restriction. 

I am down 1 lbs today.. Don't feel like it is worth mentioning even since I have been yoyo'ing up and down all the time..  

Thanks for the comments yesterday, And welcome to the new follower. I can't seem to find your blog, so leave me a comment with the link if you want me to follow back :)

@Fed Up: It hasn't always been like this. I have had a whole bunch of money issue until like 6 months ish ago. I still have a loan I am paying off. House loan leftovers after a break up. God knows how much money I have wasted on bad relationships.. But things are good now.. So I wont complain. 

@AJ: Don't you worry hon. You will get married too :) And I bet you will look amazing. Way more amazing that I can even dream of looking on mine. 

I am feeling pretty down. I know I have gained all this weight because of my own bad habits and the fact that I am lazy.. I don't know if I fuck stuff up for my self or what.. But feels like every time I decide something, something happens to mess it up. I mean come on.. Getting out dated products or whatever.. I know most of the time it is my own fault.. This is probably my fault too.. I just haven't figure out how yet.. And I know.. Nothing will happen until I get my shit together and actually move my lazy bum.. 

Ah well. I still have a few days to figure out how to deal with it. And until then we will see if I lose anything on the current diet plan.


Edit:

This is what I am thinking about doing..

Thanks for all your wonderful comments and ideas girls. I do agree with you about having more realistic plans and idea about how much I can lose. And I shouldn't put my self up to fail.
@Kes: I am not sure if I want to involve a doctor yet. I have a hard time finding one I can trust with my Fibromylgi and until I haven't find one I can talk to about that, I don't want to talk to them about anything else either. It is maybe silly, but their idiot comments makes me feel horrid and that normally ends up in a b/p session.. But I am not going to even think about getting pregnant until I feel like I can deal with it. I am glad to say that we don't have money worries, since both me and my BF are in very well paid positions but everything else is just a tad too much to think about atm. Thanks for all your wise words <3
@FedUp: Ya I will have a chat with him.. I do have the baby cravings from time to time, but we are not ready for it. Our relationship is pretty new, and I want us to have the "lover" time before we even think about becoming  parents. So I will have yet another talk with him when the time is right. I just have to figure out when..
@Princess Perfection: I think I could aim for more to start with since I have so much to lose.. To be patient is not something I have ever been good at.. Thanks for all your support hon <3
@AJ: Thanks hon, I will be careful. And I already have the moodswings lol so ya :)
@Aye Ell: I tried Atkins once and had amazing results on it. But it made me really sick.. I was using many of the Atkins products so they could be the reason for why I was feeling ill all the time. But I am thinking about going back on a low carb diet after out honeymoon. It sure was the only diet I lost a bunch of weight on and it sure is worth it.
@ Seeking Something Else: I read that post, She does have a valid point there. And it is similar to what Rusty's plan is too. I want to do something like that when I have shed off some weight. I just feel like I need to lose some first. And then go from there :)
@ChildOfApathy: Thanks hon <3
@Ulla: You are just too kind :) I wish I had the faith hehe.. I am going to try something like that for now.. I will put more details about it <3
@Mia: Good to hear that it worked now :) Noen måtte flytte . og siden jeg fikk en bra jobb tilbud her ble det til at jeg tok sjansen.. Men takk :) Det var ikke lett å reise fra mine venner.. men men. Er ikke lange veien til Norge hehe

Now for the details around it. I have a bunch of Modifast products and I am planning to use them up before I hit a low carb plan. And they are tasty and easy to keep control with . What I want to do is to keep using them until the wedding. The plan is to have 4 packs a day (880 cals/ each pack has 220 cals)- I want to do it like this:
Mondays and Thursdays: 2 packs
Tuesdays and Fridays: 3 packs
Wednesdays and Saturdays: 4 packs
Sundays Normal food with calorie restriction- Max of 1300 (That would be my GW BMR)
I am going to eat veg and fruit in addition to modifast. More veg than fruit to keep the calories low and to keep the hunger away. I will however put a max level of 1300 on all days just to be on the safe side.
After the wedding and honeymoon (Or after I run out of the modifast stuff) I will either do the Low carb- or the BMR plan. I am not sure which yet. I have to think about it. I have never been a big meat eater and I have been sort of sick of it lately, which makes the low carb plan sort of impossible to keep up. So I have to think about it.

I am actually playing with the idea of going Flexitarian for a while so I might just do that. I got this book called the flexitarian diet which gives you a full eating plan all counted and ready to make. It's weekly based and you can swap the meals from what you like the most. If you eat the 3 main meals you end up with 1200 cals per day. You can add a snack or two if you wish, each snack has around 300 cals. So that is also an option. It also contains weekly shopping lists which makes it even easier. So that is something I am really looking into. And since I am feeling pretty sick of meat lately, it might be the way to go.

My main problem at the moment is during the off days. Having the BF around and slacking at home = overeating.. That is why I feel like I have to have those days planned properly and have a day with "normal" food so I have something to look forward to.

So this will be a short term plan until I figure out what to do when we get back, it isn't really that extreme is it? I guess I sort of panicked when he laid it down like that..  But I think he will understand if I talk to him about it. He is really a great guy who listens. Most of the time hehe..

Lets see what else.. Ah ya. We have decided what we are going to serve at the wedding. Starters will be Carpaccio with some salad and bread. Main is going to be roasted duck breast with veg and roasted potatoes with the most amazing ginger gravy. I have never ever ever tasted a gravy that was soo yum.. Ever.. Dessert will be this yummy lime/lemon mousse with berries..

Anyways, I am going to end this wall of text for now. I might edit it more later.. Seems to be one of those "dead" days at work hehe.. Wish you all a great day. <3 And again. Thanks for all your support.

So how about this...

I have been thinking,, Maybe a tad too much.. About how I manage to stay off food during my work days- and then overeat at nights.Or how I keep eating more and more during the weekends.I have also been thinking about  life in general. About my future.. About how I wish I could be.. We had the talk.. My BF and I.. Talked about our future.. Kids.. I have been telling him that we should wait. And I have told him that I want to get thin before we try it.. Anyways.. Next year.. That's when we will get serious about it. I'm not sure if I am ready for it yet.. I'm not sure if we should.. I mean.. I am a mess.. My family is a mess.. I know that I wont become like my mom.. I know what I don't want. I know what I wish to be.. Before anything I want to be thin.. And January next year isn't leaving me that much time.
We are almost at the end of June.. That leaves me 6 months till end of this year.. 6 months to lose over 120 lbs.. That is insane.. How am I going to do that? Is that even possible? 20 lbs per month??
I am thinking about 500 calories per day during week days and 900-1000 during weekend. I will ofc keep using my modifast things till I am out of them. I will figure out what to do after.. Is it doable? How much will I be able to get rid of? Can I do it? Do I have the will.. Can I manage? I will count everything.. Everything.. I need a new sett of mind.. I need the will power.. Any tips.. Ideas.. Feel free to tell.. I am open to almost everything.

I ♥ you all...

Thank you so much for the comments you all left on my post yesterday. I was feeling really bad.. And your comments made me feel better and stronger. After the post I had me a good loooong cry and you know what?? I am going to show him he is wrong. He is NOT going to bring me down to his level.. And you guys are right.. He is just trying to make me feel horrid to make him self feel better..
@FedUp.. I am just going to ignore him. I just have to deal with him for 4 more weeks.. After than I am going on my vacation for the wedding and honeymoon- and by the time I am back he is off to get his operation- and is been moved to another department when he gets back. So I am not going to bother to talk to him.. He isn't worth my time or energy..
@Princess Perfection.. You can't hurt him :P He is soo fat , he will just bounce back hehehe
@ Seeking Something else.. Thanks hon.. That article made me feel so much better. I am sure he will be one of those people who will gain it all back.
@AJ.. Needles in his eyes are probably the only thing that would hurt hehe.. So feel free to do so.. <3
And the rest.. Thanks again.. I would probably just crash if it wasn't for your kind comments.

Anyways.. What we I need now is a "how to" and this is what I got so far.. I couldn't sleep last night, I keep having these horrid pictures in my head.. It was my face but someone else's body.. And I was huuuuuuuggeee!!! Ah well.. Thank God they were only dreams..
I am almost back to the weight I was before my period. And that is good. The plan is to keep the Modifast calorie intake even if I replace some with "normal food" . Which is a total of 880 calories per day or 6160 per week. I am allowing an addition of a protein shake on the gym days- after the gym session as a recovery meal, if I feel like I want one.. I have been making my self  "eat" all my "meals" on the Modifast plan.. But I am not going to bother with it any longer.. I am not going to have one, if I am not hungry. I wouldn't with normal food, so I don't see why I should with Modifast. Each meal is after all 220 calories.
Aaand the good news is that the BF finally feeling better so we are finally going back to the gym today. We are both really looking forward to that. I am going to put up a training plan - also plan in the training times because with everything that we have to do lately it all should be planned.

I am not sure if I will be much around during the weekend. I am off work tomorrow, It is "midsommar" here in Sweden - Saturday is the big cleaning day. Sunday we are going to the place where we have the wedding reception. We are going to have dinner and taste different dishes and decide the menu for the wedding. I am going to try to keep the intake as low as possible until dinner on Sunday and keep them crossed that I wont gain anything after..

Oh and I cleaned out my wardrobe yesterday. I tossed even more cloths. The only "slack" cloths I have left are my gym cloths. Which I will put into more use now. I will have to shop some new cloths for the honeymoon but that is still weeks away. I do have a bunch of cloths that are too small for me. So hopefully by then they all fit- or are even too big for me.

Anyways I have to focus on work now. Thanks again for all your support. <3

Someone please kill me NOW!!

This has been a shitty day at work.. We lacked 4 people and we had a new high record of how many emails were sent through our systems.. Anywho.. In the middle of this whole shit that coworker of mine that I have talked about .. The one who is having the gastro..

He said "You know what? The swedish goverment pays for more woman to have the gastro than menn.. You should ttly milk them as much as you can and get one. I mean you are just like me.. You need it" 

OMG!!! SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW!!! The fucktard is def. over 600 lbs now after e has lost a bunch of weight for the operation.. He talks about how he is going to keep eating as soon as his sore heals after the operation.. His only exercise is that he walks from the bus station to/from work/house (which is 3 mins walk tops) and then he fucking compares him self to me???

Who the fuck does he think he is.. OMG!!! I know I am fat.. But this fat... OMG OMG OMG!! I have been so pissed ever since he said it but I haven't had the time to do something about it..

I know that I am fat but I am fucking trying to do something about it... OMG.. This sucks so much.. I can not believe he could say something like that to me..

:S

I rather die than become like him... I rather purge every fucking thing I eat.. Or starve than become like him.. OMG.. I just can not believe this shit...

A new day..

I want to start with saying thanks for the support and your kind words on the posts I made yesterday. I was having a really hard time dealing with it and it came as a shock. But I am OK today. I am out of energy and had a hard time getting up even after almost 10 hours of sleep, but this is "normal".. I always get the no energy, I am a walking zombie day after an emotional day like I had yesterday. But I slept and today I am dealing with it.
@ Ulla: I have emailed around to see if there is another doctor I can see that actually knows more about this illness and that will not say moronic stuff like get an aspirin. But she did call me yesterday and told me that she had discussed the matter with her "mentor" apparently she wasn't a "proper" doctor.. *sigh* .. They are going to send me the note so I can pick up the proper painkillers. So that's good but ya.. I hope those email result in something good cause I can't keep having days like this over and over heh.
But the whole situation has triggered something.. It is giving me the will to control the things I can control in my life. I am going to pick up gym. I have to get stronger. I need to work out, get in proper shape. I need to be very careful about what I put in my mouth and get in my body OR what I don't put in it..
Anyways starting a get back in track and get your shit together program. Getting back to the gym. I don't really care if I just go there and walk or whatever. I am going to get going every week day. Weekend opening hours at our gym are sucky- so it will be something at home.
Anyways- the new plan is to keep to modifast and only modifast for until 27th of July. No alternations. Hit the gym every week day. Get off my ass and do something in the weekends. I have to remember to take my supplements.. I keep forgetting them.. But I have to remember them. Also listen to the "you can be thing" audio track every night to keep "programming" my brain.
On another note I am making a change in my reward plan. I had put up an GHD flat iron as my first reward but my BF got it for me on Saturday. He knows I have been wanting one for ages- and it was on sale. So I am removing it from my reward list. I am not replacing it with anything else. I don't really see a reason why.
I also bought a couple pairs of shoes. It was on a get two pay for 1 sale. And I loved them so I got one in pale pink and one in black. I know, maybe wrong to get two of the same in different colours but they are soo comfy and I wasn't going to use my "free" shoe to get something really cheap..

I am going to use the pink one at the wedding. It wont really show but I wanted something comfy and still pretty to wear. And the black one is a more everyday kind of shoe. Now I just need a wardrobe to match my shoe collection lol..
Another change I want to make is to get up earlier.. I want to get up earlier and get my face on properly. Lately I haven't been wearing any makeup and my hair is giving me hell... So I guess 30 mins earlier in the mornings should fix that.
I am going to put up the modifast values in "my fitness pal" and start keeping track of everything. I also am going to start keeping track of how much I drink. I might even make a page and post it on weekly bases.

Anywho.. I am gonna finish this post with a clip I saw on facebook yesterday. Gotta love Nicole Richie hehe

Wishing you all a good day <3

Edit: OMG! Have a look at this clip.. Wow..

Sorry

Sorry for the pissy post.. I was just really frustrated. I will post some numbers and so on tomorrow.

PS. Welcome to the new followers. Thanks for reading :) I still don't get all your blogs up. So if I am not following yours and you want me to, leave me a comment with the link to it. :)


<3

Regret...

I have done a whole lot of shit in my life.. But there isn't much I regret. There are a lot of stuff I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now.. But that is how life is.. Isn't it..
But now I have reached a level where I regret that I moved here. I regret that  didn't ask him to move. I regret that I choose what is best and easiest for him instead of what I need.

I miss my friends.. I miss the big city life of Oslo. I need my doctor.. It took me years to find a doctor who understood me.. Who was able to listen and actually help me get on with my life. I need him.. How could I ever risk moving somewhere and not have a proper doctor around..

I am out of my medications that I take for my Fibromyalgia. There aren't many.. But I take a few.. And I need them to be able to live a life where it isn't a constant hell.. So I tried to go to a doctor.. First of all it took them fucking 2 weeks to give me an appointment. But I thought.. You can deal with it.. So I waited..

I had the appointment today.. I told her everything.. About how long I have had the illness- what I have tried.. Medications I have tired.. EVERYTHING.. and the fucking moron told me to go and get some aspirin.. WTF!!! Omg.. what the fuck is wrong with some people.. IF I could take a normal aspirin I wouldn't fucking take off work and go to her would I?? I am so frustrated.. Tired.. Pissed..

My head is already fucked up trying to not binge and purge.. AND try to keep cool and not think about the constant pain in my arm.. neck.. fingers and so on.. I can not deal with this shit too.. I just can't...

I really can't.. I keep telling my self that I should just deal with it for my BF and just keep going on.. But I can't.. I just can't..

TGIF!!

That is how I felt this morning.. Not feeling to do anything and stay in bed all day hehehe. but here I am at work.. But on the bright side it is FRIDAY!!!!
This weekend I am going to have some girl time.. Do my nails, give my self a pedicure, some waxing and so on. And end it with a hair mask and a whole bunch of chick flicks!

According to the weather reports it will be raining all weekend. But I don't care.. I really need some me time. Another thing I will be doing this weekend is to prepare my self for gym. I am going to hit the gym from next week no matter weather, shape, tiredness or anything. I am going to choose to go there and like it (The mental stuff)..

And I am getting on the scale again on Monday morning. And I am looking forward to that.

I don't have much to say today. I just wanted to wish you all a great weekend and thank you for your comments on my last two posts. <3

Oh and I think I am going to give another facelift to the page. The black is starting to get too black hehe..

x

Edit:

Is it too pink?? I sort of like it.. I am in the "pink mood" if you get what I mean.

Wedding update!

We have been taking care of so many wedding details the last few days.. And I must admit.. I have been feeling kind of emo hehe.. I cry over everything.. Good kind of tears but ya :) I guess I am too much of a girly girl hehe.

So here is some of the stuff we are going to have..

For the wedding march we will have Parchelbel's Canon in D

Walking out is done along with "over the rainbow" ( not the best clip, but you'll get the idea )

This is the church where we are having the cermon 

Dinner is at this great little white restaurant in a middle of this amazing park.. By a pond. They have this little gazibo, where we will have drinks, and then walk down the flower isle to the restaurant where we will have dinner and cake. Here is a picture of the gazibo, and the restaurant:

Here is how the cake will look <3, It is a chocolate, tiramisu mouse flavoured layered cake... Mmmmm... :

And my bouqout... I love it...

Anywho.. I was about to burst hehehe.. I can't wait ^^

Not feeling too well today ..

I'm not sure if it is leftover bugs from the tummy flue we got in London, or what but I am still feeling really sick and my tummy is really upset. I know I'm not pregnant now that I got my period. Anyways going to the doctor Monday morning. I am going to talk to her about modifast as well since I will be doing the purely modifast thing for 6 weeks instead of the 3 weeks that the page recommends. With my BMI it should not be an issue.

I am up 0.6 lbs today. But it is most likely cause of my period. I always gain a stupid amount of weight during which goes back to normal day or two after it's over, and 0,6 is nothing compared to how much I normally gain. So now I am going to take a break from the scale for a few days but we will see. I have never been able to stay off it!

Still haven't gotten to the gym.. I suck I know.. I just have no energy or will to move being so nauseated all the time..

@ Fedup.. Gl on that.. I haven't really been in mood/shape to do the mental stuff Marisa Peer talks about with the gym stuff yet.. And thanks hon :)

@Child of a pathy.. Thanks :) I am going to try to do the small goals thing,, I just need to get my bum to gym first hehe.. Oh and those boots are very cute.. They kill the feet when you walk for more than 5 mins in them hehe but they sure are cute..

Oh and welcome to the new followers, I don't seem to be able to follow your blogs since I don't always get them up if you haven't linked them to your profile. So feel free to leave the link as a comment so I can check them out :)

And I have a question for you all. Why did you choose the nickname you have on blogger?? I choose Kitty, since it is my nickname irl. My bff started calling me for that years ago.. I think it's more than 10 years ago now.. Cause she says I have a cat like personality. I can be very nice and cozy when I want to, but as soon as something bothers me and makes me upset I go all "catty" and scratch back hehe. And people say I sound like a kitten when I sneeze.. (*sigh* I know)..
So why did you choose yours :) ??

Another 1,5 lbs down!

I am doing really good following the Modifast plan. Day 2 and a total of 5 lbs down is ttly YAY worthy ( as Ulla puts it ^^) hehe. So now it's 5 down 121 to go lol..

I still haven't gotten my bum to the gym, and I have no proper excuse but the fact that BF is pretty "needy" being all sick for ages and that I am just so tired cause I sleep too little cause of it. I have no idea how to just get going.. And yes I should maybe just go even if I don't feel like it and see how it goes.. 

Anywho.. I doubt I will have the same amount of WL all the time. I have heard that you lose a whole lot in the first week and then it slows down, and for keep it going down properly and shape the body I HAVE TO get to the gym. So I will have to do something it to get the motivation to get going. I think when I first get there and get past the first few days that it will be fine. The "problem" will be the first time. 

So today (at work) I am going to look for a lot of  "how to get started" motivation and sett my mind to it. I mean I am now OK with living on the modifast. Last night I was hungry and my tummy was rumbeling.. And Hells kitchen was on TV, and I just had made the BF a thai dish for dinner so the house was smelling so yum..  So instead of giving inn and having a "taste" I just closed my eyes and visualised the "thin me" .. I guess the Marisa Peer books are paying off in other ways than making me sick hehehe. Then I had a HUGE glass of water and enjoyed the feeling of being hungry.. I really really embraced it and loved it.. Is that too weird? It might be, I didn't eat. And I have decided that I am going to keep doing it. So my new rule is: 

"Every time I feel hungry, I will have some cold water and then close my eyes and visualise a thin me, the me that I am proud to show off, the one who can wear anything and shop anywhere"

Maybe I should do the same for the gym. Just decide that I love it, and that I want to go and keep repeating it until I believe it. According to Marisa Peer, you can "program" your self to believe anything. That's why it is so important to not talk down about your self cause if you keep doing it then you will become it. 

Anyways, going to be busy at work the next few hours.. Laters :)

Edit:

Yaay! I got my period! OMG I am soo relieved.. I am so not ready for kids... Thank God! peeeww! ^^

Edit #2:
A tad more relaxed at work now, so I thought I would post a couple of pix from the shoes I got when I was in London.. I have always had an obsession with shoes.. Anyways these are from New Look and they don't cost much at all. The pink ones look much nice¨r IRL than on the pics ^^

Argh tiny pics but meh.. Pretty huh?? and the black ones are so comfo! 

Nicole Richie..

Nicole is THE thinspo ever.. And I am probably being a kinderegg ( I call my self that sometimes when I act "blond" being born with black hair lol)..

Anywho.. I found this page and I LOVE IT... Have a look if you wanna :) 

It is probably..

Just water weight.. But I am down freaking 3.5 lbs! And I know that when you are as heavy as I am that those first pounds go down fast but I am very very very happy about the 3.5 lbs! And today I got to taste the chocolate pudding thingi for bfast. OMG!!! It is really CHOCOLATY!!!! It tastes like proper dark chocolate and it has this mousse texture that makes it so yum.. I never thought I do go on a premade low cal diet and still get to "eat" yummy stuff.. And the whole chocolate pudding in the morning is doing wonders for my mood.. I guess I needed my "fix" lol..

On the more disturbing side.. The period is still a no show.. Which is starting to bother me.. But ya I will give it few more days before I hit the panic mode. My tummy is pretty messed up. I am not sure if it is still after effect from the "you can be thin" book/cd, or maybe I got a bug from my BF. Hope it goes over soon. And that is just a bug...

The bf has been sick over a longer period now. He never gets sick, and if he does it normally goes over after like couple of days. It has been lasting over two weeks now and he refuses to go to the doctor.. What is with men that just want to "walk it off"..  I am "forcing" him to the doctors tomorrow if he isn't feeling any better. I did cook him dinner yesterday, but I just made enough for one meal. I made his lunch for today also, but I made something I don't like so I wouldn't get tempted.

We got to know that we are moving to the new office building in the first week of July. And as far as I know they aren't done with the building. They are remodelling and so on. And it isn't done before mid fall sometimes.. So this will be interesting.

Yesterday I managed to drink almost 3l of water. I am aiming for the same today. The modifast requires you to drink 2-2,5 l of water. What I am not sure about is if I can count tea as "water". If that is the case, then I had closer to 3,5 liters of "water" yesterday.

I am planning on going on the modifast until the week before the wedding. That makes it a total of 6 weeks. I am then taking a break from it for 3 weeks for the wedding and the honeymoon. Trying to restrict the intake with normal food. And will see what I am going to do when we get back.

@Ay Elle, fedup, Ullalexie and ChildofApatty :) Thanks for being around and for your kind words. Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I didn't have this blog, <3 you all :)

Edit: I should have never told that guy from work that I was trying Modifast.. Only cause he huge and going for a gastro he thinks he is an expert.. I am following the "how to" from the website and he goes on and on and on about how I should do things.. And who the fuck is he to keep telling me about how to diet.. If he knew what to do, why didn't he do it him self ?? He is soo messed up in the head.. He keeps talking about how he can keep eating bread and indian and so on 6 months after his gastro.. I don't know where he gets his fact from.. But seems like he is ttly wack.. And that he will go back and put the weight right back on again cause has the sickest ideas about what is right. Oh and get this.. He says that the instructions on the site are wrong that when I am doing modifast I should do it his way else I wont get enough calories lol.. He goes on and on and on about how 800 ( which is btw 860-880 cals if you take the 4 bags) is way too little calories and that no one can ever live on it.. I know that living on that amount of calories isn't optimal but I also know of people that get on fine with 500 calories a day. He is sooo caught in his own mind and ideas and so on that he has no eye for anything else.. Argh..... Sorry for the rage edit.. but he really really really bugs me!

Edit:
Just loving this song..

No running today..

My BF is really sick. He has been on and off sick since the day before London.. Now he is running a really high fever. So after work I just went home. Made him something to eat. I am kind of bummed not getting to hit the gym since I had made up my mind, but there is 3 day in the couch 2 5k plan and 7 days in the week. So I am not going to go mental over it. I have done good with the modifast today. From tomorrow I will do it more like this:
Pudding for breakfast (220) , soup for lunch(210), shake for snack(220), and soup for dinner (210). That makes the total intake 860 Calories. Anyways off again.. Laters :)

THE talk!

Today is going to be very very very quite at work. I work for an email marketing Co. Living in Sweden my main customers are from Norway. Today is a Norwegian holiday- while it's a normal work day here in Sweden. Which means I will have NOTHING to do. So most of the day will be going to streaming, blogging and so on. Can't complain.. But ya.. It will be boring.

Anywho.. Last night my BF and I had this long talk. I told him how much I have gained since we got together.. It is insane.. I have gained 33 lbs since I met my BF. And I don't want to blame him, but I eat A LOT more when I am with him. Mostly because I feel like I HAVE TO feed him. And that I have to eat with him, and every time I try to lay off. He goes all emo on me saying I should eat.. Our sex life has been decreasing as time goes, and well those 33 lbs are one of the main reasons why. I told him how sick I feel when I see my self. How I feel when I try to shop.. I love to shop.. I love cloths.. Fashion.. I LOVE shoes.. I can barely wear any of my high heels cause I weigh too much. What is the point of owning like 50 pairs of heels and only wear jogs?

Anyways. We talked and I explained. And he listened. He understand that I shouldn't weigh more than 125 lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my goal of 110 is actually good for my body. That if he loves me, and wants me to be happy he needs to stop asking me to eat all the time, and give up to my cravings. That he HAS to stop surprising me with chocolate ice cream and coockies cause I have a bad day at work. You know he is very sweet and the thought behind it is very sweet. That would be ok if I wasn't twice as big as I should be.  And we came to this agreement. He is now going to make his own meals. I mean he is pro athlete, he has been competing in national team levels. He knows how to feed him self. And stop pushing me to eat. No more "sweet surprises" and no more supporting the cravings. So now I can do whatever I want. Eat whenever I want without having the constant guilty feeling.

I have this co worker that is going to undergo gastro surgery  soon and he has been drinking these "modifast" shakes/soups. They give you around 800-900 calories, depending on what flavour you choose. Now he is really big, but the first he went on them, he was on it for like 3 months and he lost around 80 lbs. Anyways the normal VLCD shakes didn't work for me. Eating around 500 calories really messed up my head. Specially since the shakes tasted so horrid that I was skipping a bunch of them and ended up with like 100-200 calories a day. I went down around 30 pounds in two weeks and then gained it right back and some more right as soon as I fell off the wagon. Anyways seeing that he manages it ( I think he weighs around 500+ lbs) has giving me the push, and modifast is a VLC diet. 800-900 calories isn't that little. I mean reaching my GW I don't need more than 1200 calories so I don't think it's that drastic. And if he can, can I!

So I just went down to the pharmacy that is next to my office and got me a box of the shake, and soup. I will order more from their web site since its much cheaper. And I had the "bfast shake" for like 45 mins ago.
Anywho here is how the Modifast plan will look like:


Breakfast around 0800-0830. Coffee flavoured shake
Lunch around 1200: Either a soup or a shake.
Snack around 1630: Banana shake or a pudding.
Dinner around 1900-1930: Soup or shake depending on the weather.

According to the site you can have one whole or half a shake on the gym days. You could also have fruit if you prefer that. You could also have something with loads of protein in it if you have been doing heavy training. So the smart and fit protein shakes are also a good choice. In addition I have to drink a minimum of 2,5 l of water. I like water and I drink around 1,5-2 l water a day normally, so that wont be such a big problem. I don't know how long I will go on it. They say you shouldn't go on it for more than 3-4 weeks without having a talk with your doctor. I am an appointment with a doctor next Monday, so I will talk to her about it then. With the insanely hight BMI that I have I don't think it will be an issue. The wedding is 7 weeks away, and it will be the honeymoon break from the diet then. Until then I will take one step and day at time.

Today sure is a day for new changes. I have been talking about starting the Couch to 5k program, and I am getting on it today. 3 days a week is a sensible start and I don't want to bite over too much. I have to get in some light weight training for the arms cause of the fibromylagia but that is something that wont be an issue since that is just something I have to do. I also downloaded (Yes I am a horrid person) the P90x Yoga x video and I want to do it during once during the weekend. I think it will do me good.

Oh btw :P This shake/water intake is making me pee like every 30 mins.. The toilets are all the way on the other side of the office- so I have to pass EVERYONE before I get to it lol.. A tiny tad embarrassing, but you  gotta do, what you gotta do lol..

Wish me luck.. Yet again.. I really don't want to be huge. I want to be able to shop freely.. Wear my high heels.. Feel light and tiny.. I remember how it felt.. But it's been years since I felt it..

Back to the gym..

Today has been Ok so far. Most of the family stuff is done. His dad is comming over for dinner, and his little brother is still here after the family brunch. The brunch went Ok. I think his gran is too sick to bother with the comments..
Tomorrow we are getting back to the gym. The idea is that I hit the gym after work and that he will join me when he gets there (he has a 20 min drive from his work). I have to plan our dinner so I don't overeat after the gym.
Haven't been to the gym for around 3 weeks (eeeek) so this will hurt. I am going to try to do the couch to 5k on the treadmill.. The treadmills scare the shit out of me heheh but I am going to try anyways. The weather outside is either too humid or too hot or rainy lately, so I think it's a good idea to start there.
Anyways. Still no period.. But I am putting the baby freaking thoughts out of my head..If it happenes we will just deal with it. The timing may not be the best, but it is what it is.. and for all I know.. I just might be sick all the time cause of Marisa Peers book and the period is late cause I have alot of stuff on my mind..
Foodwise I am all over the place. I need to stop and just say no and basicly get my shit together.. Stop whining and act instead. Tbh I don't think anything will work for me as long as I don't take charge and actually start saying no.. No matter how many diet or shit I try.. It wont happen until I just go for it. Going for it for only few days and then nvm it has the freaking yoyo effect, which is probably why my weight keeps going up and up as soon as it goes a little bit down. The fact that I haven't been going to the gym isn't helping either.

I think the only way to stop this mental war is just to stop trying diet on diet. Do a proper lifestyle change. And just stop being such a whiney lazy bum and just do it.. I don't understand why I can't do it in this aspect of my life.. I have always worked on what I want and most of the times I get it. It might take time, but I get it.. Why can't I just get a hold of the stupid eating habbits??

Anyways I'm gonna go get dinner on and try to socialize with his little bro.. Hope you guys are  having a good weekend.

Pregnent???

I have been feeling so queasy for over a week. And I have always been sensitive to smells but now it's insane.. I am constantly sick..
I am so not ready for a baby.. I bet my bf would be over the top.. He is soo broody.. Shouldn't it be the other way?? He goes all mooshy every time we see a baby... Going all "Oh look at him/her.. Look at those curls" blabla.. We got this baby book progress book when we were in London. And I thought sure it is very cute and we will have some use for it in the future.. I thought maybe in a couple of years.. Not right now.. And I have been really careful so it shouldn't be a case. Ah well.. I am supposed to have my period in a couple of days. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see.. Blah...
I know this sounds stupid... But I don't want to get even fatter before I have had a chance to feel OK with me.. *sigh*

Anyways.. Weekend.. Having a family brunch for his family to celebrate his birthday on Sunday. I am thinking about making a bunch of finger food and have a whole lot of fruit and berries too. That is my way of getting around eating "wrong" stuff. I really hope it goes well. I am so not in mood for more drama..

Wish you all a great weekend. <3

Too tired to function..

I'm soooo tired today. My BF and I have been sick since the last day in London. He has been running a fever and I have had a really upset tummy. And its been raining for days.. The weather is soo humid and it is doing "wonders" for my hair.. I have been drying and using the flat iron on it but it curls up after like 10 mins.. I'm not joking.. There are curls standing out from every corner of my head :S And on top of that.. The humid weather is killing my joints.. The pain is horrid.. My whole body is in such an unbalanced state.. But I am back to work.. I couldn't take any more days off. I haven't been to work for days and it doesn't look so good since I'm still on my  trial contract. 

Anywho... I have been rereading the "you can be thin" book and I have made up couple pages with the main pointers of it. I understand its view and I agree on almost everything. There is one thing that I don't understand and its kind of making me panic.. No calorie counting?? I mean I know if you are eating what is right for your body you will have a healthy body and you will lose weight and so on. But no counting at all?? The idea is kind of freaking me out and I hate the idea of not knowing how much I am getting in me. It is probably wrong way of thinking, and I know I should be able to stop when I have had enough, but not knowing the numbers is really :S I have used this  calculator and this BMR calculator. For my current weight the calories needed for maintenance is 2111 and for fatloss: 1866. For my GW it is 1439 for maintenance, 1151 for fat loss and 880 for extreme fat loss. The BMR of my current weight is 1834 and my GW BMR is 1296. So I think a calorie intake goal of 1200 is a sensible goal specially since nuts and seed can have high calories. 

I know I should maybe nvm the counting and just do what she does, but knowing the calories gives me this sort of control, and I am a control freak. The numbers also motivate me and make it easier for me to stop when I have had my calories. With the "whole" foods it will be easier to keep the numbers in control. 

Anyways.. Over to something different, I think I have finally found the saloon for my wedding updo and makeup. I just got off the phone with them and they should call me back soon with details about when we can have the trial. I am still not sure about how I want it, but I think I want some hair to somehow frame my face and a side split (if that even makes sense)... Something like this would work: 

I was thinking about getting more extentions inn and make it long and go with it down, but I get sooo warm wearing my dress now only for few mins, that I can not imagine how it would feel like wearing the hair down AND have the dress in the middle of summer hehe. So I think updo is the way to go. I still am not sure if I will use the veil. I guess it depends on the hair. 

Change of subject again. I need to figure out what to do about my lunch meals. I am thinking about having a banana and 10 almonds. I hate having to take food in lunch box with me and I really can't be bothered trying to figure out the calorie content of premade salads and so on. It doesn't taste good and it doesn't cost too much compared for how much you could make your self making the salad at home.

I think I am just going to publish this post. I have been trying to write it since 9 this morning and its 4PM now :P Oh and I think I have found a new baker for the wedding! 

Laters <3 

New pages!

I am making a few new pages, these are pointers from the book "you can be thin". Feel free to have a look and use them. They are wonderful.

Ok, so here goes nothing..

London was great, I finally got me a proper haircut and had my eyebrows threaded. I also shopped for some new pairs of shoes and got me a very cute purse. We ended up paying an additional 96 GBP for the hotel :S Apparently the breakfast wasn't included.. I am 100% sure that I ordered the hotel WITH it.. but I guess not... So that really was a shock.. And a good bunch of money...
My bff and her husband met us there as well for the last two days and it was nice to meet her again. We ate ALOT... I have gained so much and I have reached yet another "this is my new fattest weight EVER" weight. So this is really about time to stop that and get back on track.
Before we left to London I read Marisa Peer's book "You can be thin" and since this morning I am following her plan. I will reread the book, and I will listen to the CD again every night. A lot of changes I am making are mental changes. They are about how I talk about my self. Talking down will make you believe that you are what you keep telling your self you are. I will not call my self for stuff again. Now when my bf tells me I am beautiful I wont argue back. I will listen and try to agree. I am not denying my self food, I am simply choosing not to eat some groups of food. I will focus on what I can eat and choose to eat them because those are what will make my body work better and for me, not against me. So flour and wheat is out cause that is not what is normal for my body to eat. It is like eating glue.. And it will be hard for my body to burn off. No added sugar.. I do not need sugar. No dairy products. Cows milk is full of that animals pus and hormons.. It was not ment for humans. Chocolate is basicly lard which will cover up my organs..
I will eat food that I can recognise, food that can be eaten raw if I want to. Food that can be portable. Fruits, veg, meat, egg, fish, seeds, nuts, lentils. What more can I ask for?
Choosing what is good for my body and eating what it can burn off and keeping it clean is what I am aiming for. No processed food. So I am going to choose me and what is best for me. I will also go to the gym because that is what I choose to do. I will choose things that are good for me and my body. On Monday I will also start couch to 5k running plan and I am really looking forward to that.

Back..

Back from London.. Going to read up on all your blogs :) Thanks for all your kind comments on my last post <3

So this is it..

Ok.. So I finally got to try on my dress properly. As you see my upper arms are way too big. I do however think  the rest of it looks OK considering how big I actually am, I dunno... I do still have 2 months left to the wedding, so I hope I can get rid of some ( a whole lot ) of lbs. Anyways, the vacation time is finally here.. Will be away for few days. Oh and here is the pic.. Please don't be too harsh..