Goodbye 2012!

Happy new year ladies.. Thanks for all your love and support..
Be glad for the blessings in 2012 and make 2013 the best year in your life yet!


<3

Fat..

I will not have any good pictures with my kid.. Every single picture is me looking like a stranded whale..
My wedding pictures being fucked up cause I am so fat is one thing.. Me not having one single good photo with my newborn son is just too much...

I hate my self for being so fat.. I really hate me...

Sometimes I just wish I was someone else.. Not another fat stranded whale...


*sigh*

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas everyone!
In the nordics the Christmas dinner and everything happenes on the 24th so we have already had our wonderful day.

I hope everyone has a great day :)


<3

New Year's resolution!

I guess it is that time of the year where we rethink our ways and plan our new year. Looking back at 2012 I have had a hard but wonderful year.. I am greatful for my lovely husband and our life together. I am thankful for our healthy, happy, amazing little boy. I am also amazed over how being pregnant has changed the way I think of food and eating. So all in all it's been a good year!

I do want to change some things in 2013.. Things have been good but they can be better. I have the whole year off work which means even with the baby and everything that comes along with it I should be able to take the time to make those changes.

So in 2013 I will:

• Reach a healthy BMI
• Exercise 3 times a week (along with all the moving and walking that comes with having a baby)
• Practice portion control
• Take better care of my body and the way I look - no stay home mommy look for me! 
• Do the reboot 
• Restart and finish the C25k

I have always made really long lists of newyear's resolution and I have never ever managed to stick to them.. But this is doable, isn't it?

50 shades of..

WTF??
So I decided to read the book everyone is talking about.. And I must admit I am disappointed over how bad it was.. It all being about sex is one thing.. But the ending was really wtf...

Meh... I need to start reading some better books.. I still have "end of overeating" and "why we get fat" to finish but I wanted to read sometihng that wasn't weight related and 50 shades of grey sucked!

Struggle...

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know about my issues with my mother, and you might also remember that every single time I talk to her I end up in pretty deep depression for some days..

My mother came to visit us last week.. She hadn't seen her grandson so she came for 4 days. She decided she wanted to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us.. I think all in all she spent a whole day with us and she had very little time with my son. Of course she made sure that I tok a picture of her and the kid to post on facebook because thats how she is.. She needs to prove to others that she is a good mother - in this case grandmother.. But I know - and my husband knows how much time she actually spent with us.. I know this sounds pretty bad - but atleast she bought some more cloths for the kid and well that is the best we get out of her.

I have learned that I shouldn't expect much from her - but she has been going on and on about how much she loves her grandson ( She never said she loves me, remember?? ) so I thought she would be different.. She nagged a whole lot about why the kid was "always sleeping".. I mean come on.. Wtf did you think?? The baby was 3 weeks old when she was here.. All they do the first couple of months is to eat, sleep, poo! - she was so disappointed that he wasn't awake playing with her..

Srsly mother?? How could you have 3 kids and don't know this?? But then again.. She never really was a mother to me.. So it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't know.. Or remembered..

And then.. The last day.. Before she was leaving she managed to say "You know, I know married your step dad because you kept calling him for daddy when I was just dating him".. Thank you fucking much mum.. First she tells me she wishes she got rid of me when I was being born, and how she regrets that she didn't cause then her life would be different..

Now she tells me that it is my fault that she married that basterd.. She knows that this is the guy who raped me as a kid.. She knows this is the guy I hate with every inch of my body and soul.. And she fucking blames this on me?? - I was fucking 3-4 years old.. I didn't know better, did I??? *sigh*

I just give up... I am going to keep up the act, and keep having this fake relationship where I smile and nod and talk to her on the phone from time to time and see her maybe what.. 2-3 times a year.. But I need to remember that she is no mother to me.. She doesn't understand.. She doesn't deserve me.. Or my baby.. Or my family... She just doesn't..

I have been trying to get over that comment ever since she went home.. But I struggle.. I have been having flash backs and bad dreams about my step dad ever since and last night I sort of just broke down.. I was feeding my son and my husband was sitting next to me.. And I looked down at my baby boy - seeing how he is depended on me, feeling the love I have for him - and I couldn't stop my tears.. I told my hubby "I think I need a shrink".. And you know what.. For the first time, I really think I need it.. Not that I think it will help.. But I dunno...

So here I am ... As always... But I will get over it as I always do... I have my own family now, and we are filled with love and joy.. I just need to hang on to this feeling.. Isn't he amazing?? This is from a week ago <3

Super size me!

Has anyone seen the documentary super size me? I am watching it as I write and I am halfway the doc. and it is insane.. If you haven't watched it - do so.. It will put you off Mcd's forever and ever... I have always loved McNuggets but who the fuck knew it is all just goo?? I mean.. YUCK!!!! Have a look here,, I feel sick... Anywho..

I have been thinking more and more about my weight.. Food and everything.. And again.. Every single time I think about it I just get back to the same thing.. My "diet" when I restart my weight-loss journey again it needs to be simple.. It needs to be everyday food and it needs to be something I don't need to stress about.. I have been visiting Myfitnesspal and have startet counting my cals and by the time I am done with my breakfast numbers I feel so stressed about it all.. The numbers take over and I feel my mind going to my "safe" foods and I start panicking.. I will not be counting.. I will not go back to that place where my mind is all about "what should I eat" .. Thinking about food.. The yes/no foods.. The panicking over my next meal.. And lets not forget the cravings you get when you think about food all the time..

So I have been thinking about where I normally go wrong..

1. I skip meals
2. I overeat later in the day since I skip meals
3. I eat the same food over and over until I am sick of it and then binge on the "no" foods
4. I deprive my self and save my calories so I can have the "bad" foods within my calorie budget
5. My diet is too strict and I fail after a couple of days since my goals are unreal
6. I eat too much of the "bad" carbs

What I know I need to do is:

1. Never skip a meal
2. Getting my carbs from fruit and veg instead of bread and rice
3. Eat smaller more frequent meals

So that is just what I am going to do. And I think it will be much better than anything else I have ever done. Well I guess we will have to see how it goes - but I think it will be fine. I mean I already eat very different than what I used to before I got pregnant.. I just need to keep reminding my self of what I have done during my pregnancy.. Food is fuel.. It is there to heal my body.. I will eat until I am full and I will stop when I am cause I know I can eat again later if I get hungry again.

Oh and.. I am down 26lbs since the baby was born on the 23rd... 4 more pounds and I will reach my first weigh goal :) I never ever thought I would reach any goals during this year.. So I am very pleased with the results.


<3

Dear Josie :)

Here are the answers to your Liebster questions :)


1. Why did you start your blog?
I came across the blog "dying to be thin" and I really was surprised over the support she got - and I started the blog to try to reach my goals and hopefully get some understanding for my issues.. Not many in my "real" life know/knew about my issues and I often felt like no one would understand.

2. Does anyone in your "real" life know about or read your blog?
My husband knows about the blog, but he keeps this one be my own private blog. He knows I will talk to him when it matters and that here I get a different kind of support. He also knows that he will never understand me the same way some of you ladies do. I also have a friend who knows about this blog - but I doubt she reads it.

3. If you could make one food your magical food that has no calories and no baring to your weight what would it be?
Burgers and fries! ... Like good huge yummy fatty burgers like the 1600 calorie jack daniels burger from TGIFridays..

4. Are you invovled in any type of treatment? Are you on any type of drug therapy?
No.. I did get some therapy in Norway for my issues with my mother - and in the start of my pregnancy I was sent to a shrink for my food issues but I only went to her once cause she was horrid. The only drugs I have been/ am on are painkillers for my fibromyalgia.

5. Looking back at your life when do you notice the begining of your disordered eating?
When I was really young.. Like around 5-6, my step dad used to force me to eat up my food or would take away my meals as punishment.. When I was around 10 (thats when the sexual abuse started) he used to undress me and tell me how much my body looked my mothers and I remember how much I hated it.
I wanted to be so fat that he would get sick of me and never touch me.. The little I knew that he would like the extra "meat".. So yeah.. My weird relationship with food started pretty early mostlty thanks to my "lovely" step dad..

6. What is your favorite way to waste time?
Well it sort of depends on my mood.. I can spend hours shopping.. Doesn't need to be cloths or shoes or anything.. I can hang around in a bookstore finding new titles I want to read..
I also love watching romantic comedies/ tv shows- diet shows ect.. I enjoy reading - when I first start reading I have a hard time putting down the books :)
I used to spend a whole lot of time playing wow - but that is a good while ago now.. Lets not forget that I love reading blogs while listening to music.

7. What activity do you hate doing; dishes, cooking, commuting, making phone calls, keeping on top of your finances?
Ooh hard one.. Not really sure.. I guess I love cooking but I HATE prepping the veggies/meat.. I get confused (read scared) grocery shopping if I don't make a list and take it with me.. I hate losing control - does it count?

8. Looking back at your life is there anything you wish you did more of?
Hmm.. More dancing!

9. If you won a contest that allowed you to build your dream house what would you want and where?
I have always wished for my own place in London, but if I was to be practical and think about my family I would build the house here.
I would want a big house - where the first floor would have the kitchen (I want a big one with an island in the middle of it) , dining room, living room and a libery/guest room and guest bathroom and laundry room.
The basement would be a huge family room with huge couches and a big big tv with proper sound system for movie nights and it would also have a pool table..
The upper level would have the master bedroom with an ensuite - and two bedrooms with a family bathroom in between them for the kids.. And lets not forget about the HUGE walkin closet ^^
I also want a mid sized backyard with a nice deck :) Ooh and ofc garage with room for two cars and some storage space.

10. Do you have a target weight? What do you think will be different in your life if/when you are at your target weight?
I have put my goal to 128 lbs - but my ugw is 118-120 lbs. I think the only thing that would be different is how I would feel in my own skin. (at least that is what I hope)

22 lbs,,,,,

22 lbs down since the 23rd.. <3 

Liebster blog award!

Thanks to Lara , Emily Anonymous, and Ay Ell for nominating me :) It was such a fun surprise and I <3 you girls for thinking of me!


Rules:

- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.
- Post 11 things about yourself.
- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.
- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
- Create 11 questions for your nominees!
- Inform the nominees of their nomination.

So.. 11 things about my self..

1. I was born in Iran, lived there until I was 13 ish, moved to my mother in Norway. But I have been living in Sweden since January 2011. 
2. I met my husband on WOW , he used to annoy the hell out of me, and my first words to him were "WTF is wrong with you" ^^ 
3. I got married last July, and if I am to ever get married again, or redo our vows... We will be eloping! 
4. I was a high school drop out, and got my diploma studying the subjects my self, taking private exams. 
5. I moved out of my mothers house when I was 16, and out of her town when I was 18. 
6. I love cooking and find it to be very relaxing. (People say I'm pretty good at it too!)
7. I still don't have my driving license :S 
8. I have two half sisters.
9. I just became a mum - and I LOVE being a mother. 
10. I have a temper and can get really angry really fast, but I never stay angry for long. 
11. I have never before felt so accepted and understood with all my "issues" until I created this blog!

Now, questions from Ay Ell: 

1. Where would be your favorite place to live?
I really LOVE London! - If I could afford it, I would be living there.

2. What (alcoholic beverage) do you typically drink?
I used to be a shot girl - aka, have a shot of vodka and get it down with some beer. But if I am just to have a drink I prefer mixed drinks like Cosmo :)

3. Are you still friends with your childhood best friend?
A couple of them. My oldest friend is a girl I met in school when I was around 10.

4. What movie could you watch over and over and not get sick of?
I'm a sucker for feel good chick flicks and the good old Disney cartoons .. So the list can be loooong!

5. Tell me about your first kiss.
It was horrible and forced.

6. What is your favorite pair of shoes?
Oooh.. Tough one.. I am a shoe addict and I have a whole bunch of favs.. I guess high heeled long boots are my go to.

7. Have you ever been out of your home country? If so, where?
Yes, I was born in Tehran Iran, lived in Kristiansand and Oslo in Norway, currently live in  Malmö Sweden. I have been to London UK, Barcelona Spain, Rome Italy, Alanya and Antalya Turkey, Prague Czech Republic, Munich Germany, Copenhagen Denmark, Utrecht Netherlands, Chamonix France.. I have a feeling there are some places I have forgotten though... hmm..

8. Do you have any siblings?
Yes, I have two half sisters.

9. Do you have a favorite low-cal food or recipe that you frequently eat?
It's not really a recipe, but I tend to fill up on melons and canned pineapples lately.

10. Do you have any weird quirks?
I have MANY! - I am a details freak and I freak out when things aren't the way I planned for them to be. Like how to fill up the dish washer..... *sigh*

11. Do you have any favorite holiday traditions?
I love the Persian new years, and everything about Christmas :) 

Questions from Lara:

1. How old are you

I turned 30 this September

2. Whats your favorite binge food or just favorite food ( for those lucky's who don't binge)

I used to binge on Jafa cookies - They are still one of my fav snacks but I limit them :) (PS: I LOVE melons ^^)

3. If you could go back in the past what 1 thing would you change or do different

There are things I regret, but I think I wouldn't change anything cause those things are the things that have made me who I am today :)

4. On what do you spent most of your money

Shoes.. Purses and perfumes... (Yes I do have a problems)

5. What city would you like to travel to

I really want to see NY, Paris, and Tokyo. 

6. If you would have to choose between money or love, what would your answer be?

Love

7. Have you ever cheated on your bf

Yes I did cheat on my ex. 

8. One thing you could not live without

My cellphone

9. What is the dumbest or funniest thing you have ever done in your life

Dumbest: To dye my hair pink ... (It ended up making me looking like a clown lol) - funniest.. hmm.. I dunno really.. I have my moments ^^ hard to chooce one :) 

10. If you are loosing weight right now, what is the biggest motivation for you

I am losing tons of weight right now.. My little boy and me wanting to be healthy is my biggest motivation. 

11. Do you have any bad habits

I have plenty - skipping meals and overeat is one. 

Questions from Emily Anonymous:

1.     What is your proudest moment?

This answer would have been different a week ago, but since then surviving the labor and giving birth to my little boy is one of my proudest moments.

2.     Who do you trust most in the world?

My husband and my BFF :)

3.     Favorite movie?
If I had to pick one - The last samurai!

4.     Worst movie you’ve ever seen?
Oh there are way too many... Snakes on a plane being one. 

5.     Name something your ED took away from you or prevented you from doing.
Oooh.. Many many social events..

6.     What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?
Hmm... Believe it or not but I'm not really that romantic... So I have no idea what to reply here.. 

7.     Favorite memory of your mother or father?
I don't have any.. Never knew my father and my mother and I barely get along. 

8.     What’s your favorite animal?
I am a sucker for kittens and bunnies ^^

9.     Which famous person would you most like to meet in your lifetime?
Hmmm... If I had to pick one.. I guess Jamie Oliver - does he count? ^^ 

10. What’s the happiest you’ve ever felt?
Now.. I never thought it was possible to be so happy until I got my little boy in my arms :) 

11. If you saw someone purging what’s the first thought that would go through your head?
"I hope they manage to stop before it's too late" 

11 questions: 

1. Name the one part of your body you love.
2. Where do you see your self in 5 years?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
5. What does your perfect day look like?
6. Name the one thing you can not live without.
7. Name 3 places you want to visit.
8. Lazy day on the couch, what do you do?
9. What color is your hair?
10. Name one thing that you hate!

Tag: 
K
Seeking something else
Mia
Josie13
Tempest

<3

Happy!

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments on my last post ladies :)

We are home and are loving our little baby boy. The labor was horrid... I am not even going to get there - cause it will probably scare off those of you who are planning/looking forward to have a baby hehe..

I am tired.. Really tired, but so so so happy.. He is so cute and prefect and makes alle these little sounds and I never thought it was possible to love someone so much.. Hubby is loving it all too :) We are really really happy.. Talking about hubby.. I wouldn't have been able to get through the labor without him.. He really was my rock.. I feel really lucky to have them both :)

Here is a picture of our little miracle (I will probably take it down soon - but I wanted you guys to see him before I do ^^ ) - He was born the 23rd at 04:30 am, and he is just the most loving little boy! ^^

Edit to remove picture! :) 

Anywho.. Just wanted to drop by and say thanks and give you all a little update.. Oh and PS: The weight is dropping off already and hubby has made several comments on how much smaller I already look and that my butt looks smaller now than it did before I got preggos! hehe - Can't complain at all now - can I ? ^^

<3

Labor!

My water broke few hours ago ...
Been checked at the hospital and sent home to wait on stronger contractions...

This is it ladies.. Keep us in your prayers and wish us luck!

<3

Still here!

Been a while since I updated..
I guess I haven't really had much to say...

I'm still pregnant and getting bigger by the minute.. But it's not bothering me as much any more. I updated my weight on myfitnesspal and I am still 3 lbs under the weight I was before I got pregnant.. But I don't really care about that either..

I had a check-up with this doctor at the hospital (they send women with BMI over 30 to them) - and he told me my pregnancy had been going much better than they expected. I haven't gained weight, my blood work is good, the baby is growing the way he is supposed to, and he is strong and healthy.. They will however induce me if he isn't born on his due date, which means if he isn't out he will be by Dec 4th!

My baby is healthy and perfect.. My hubby loves me more than anything on this earth.. What more could I really ask for?

I mean, I am not happy with my body or my weight as it is today.. But I can see that the way I think of weight, losing weight ect is different.. This pregnancy has thought me that my body isn't working against me cause it wants me to feel horrid.. Of course, I have bad days.. Of course I have days where I HATE the way I feel about it.. But it's not its fault.. I did this to my body, and it will not change unless I change..

I have days where I think about my bad days with binges and purging, and you know what.. I can say for sure that those days are behind me.. The days where I would think of starving to get short term results.. The days where I would blame my body being against me.. They are behind me.. I'm not saying I wont have bad days.. I know I will.. But it is just different now..

My plan is still to start on my "diet" starting new years.. To begin with my focus will be to keep my portions under control, and to eat clean. I still aim to reach my goal by end of next year, but I also will take it step by step..

I was looking at some old pictures.. And in those pictures my weight was halfway what my goal is.. But in those days - I didn't really worry.. I went to the gym.. I ate.. I was partying a whole lot.. But I didn't care.. I felt like I was the sexiest woman walking around.. That is what I want to go back to.. I want to feel good about my self.. I am tired of not being happy with me..

Any who..

I will let you guys know when the little guy is here.. And I will do my best to put up more updates, but I doubt I will have the chance to before I start the new plan..

My mother is going to come and stay with us for a week mid December (Lord have mercy lol).. And my gran (well she isn't really my gran, but she is the closest family member I have) - is going to stay with us during Christmas and new year.. Along with a new born baby our weeks will be pretty packed the upcoming few weeks! My bff and her family will also be visiting the first or second week of January for a long weekend, but that is still some time away :)

I want you all to keep taking care of your self, and I am doing my best to comment on blogs.. I do read most of your posts though..

<3

Miserable....

I'm so freaking miserable...
I just want this baby out.. NOW!!!!!!



*sigh*

Been a while!!!

It seems like I am posting less and less..

I do try to keep up with your blogs as often as I can.. And I do miss you guys.. I'm just so freaking huge and tired all the time .. The moment I think my belly can't get any bigger.. BOOM! It gets bigger..
I am not going to nag about it though.. It's the baby taking the place he needs.

We had a new ultrasound last Thursday.. It was supposed to be a 3D ultrasound where we could see him properly, but the little bean decided to face down and curl up, so we didn't get to see anything.. She showed us some parts saying "oh this his leg - this is his back" ect.. But I couldn't tell them apart to save my life lol

The good news is that he is growing the way he is supposed to and he is perfectly healthy as far as they could see :) - I have been worried that he would be "big" due to my weight ect - but he is just perfectly normal.. She told us that he is around 5 lbs now - and if he grows the way he is now, he will weigh in around 8 lbs. - and I must say, I have been a little stressed up about my weight gain, which has been going up pretty fast the last few weeks, but I still weigh around 9lbs less than I did when I got pregnant.. So I guess I should be happy about that too..

It's 43 days left to my due date.. And I am pretty much either tired, or doing baby related stuff when I'm not at work.. So I do not have much else to report..

<3

Tiny update!

So I went to the doctor yesterday and starting today I will be working 50% , which is great for me. This way I still get to meet the coworkers I like and get out of the house, and get to go home before the pain is too much.

I also talked to my manager, and I am not in charge of the tardface anymore.. I told him basicly that I didn't want to deal with him and that if they think he is worth a chance they should have someone else train him cause the stress of it all is not good for me. So they have made one of my coworkers in charge of him - and I have put him out of my mind.. I have told them what I think - they are the ones that need to follow up..

So today.. Working until lunch and having the tard away from me, has been good. I had fun with the co-workers I love and am really looking forward to the weekend.

Hope you all are having a great Friday, and I wish you a great weekend :)

<3

I just snapped!

And left work...
I got back to work after being away for a week.. And was told that the new sucky guy was given full access to the system ect.. I tried to talk to my manager about what a mistake it was, and he was all "oh it will be fine".. And I wrote a msg telling him that I officially wanted to wash my hand off everything regarding him".. And he just loughed it off..

I just got more angry and felt my pulse going faster and faster.. So I just packed all my stuff, and gave everything (aka work laptop/phone ect) to my manger and told him I was going home.. I just couldn't deal...

I am going to call the doctor when she has her phone hours and ask for a doctors notice and take atleast another week off.. At the moment.. I just don't want to go back there.. I just don't....

I just sometimes wish I could just give a shit and ignore it all and don't even care about what it's going on there...

Yesterday I had an argument with my mother cause yet again she was being an ignorant bitch.. Today this.. I just want to hide away and don't talk to anyone for days.. And I think I just might do that....

Life..

I have been home from work since last Wednesday.. I just haven't been able to "force" my self to go to work.. It really upsets me, cause I have been wanting to be full time at work, as long as possible.. But lately, I just can't be arsed... The new guy I told you about in my last post sucks.. I have told my boss about it.. And they still wanted to give him a couple of more weeks before they decide how it goes.. I know, it's not up to me hwo they keep and who they don't, but I really don't feel like being there, forcing my self to have a full day - when they don't really respect my opinion.. I am going back to work tomorrow, but I don't know how long I will keep it up.. As I mentioned before, I am going on my maternity leave from 12th of November - and I am already planning to call in sick the two work week before that date ( Yes I know it sounds bad - but I don't want to use my maternity leave days before I have to, when I can call in sick) - That means my last day at work will be the 29th of October.. Which means it's only 5 weeks left.. I really should just ignore how annoyed the whole work situation makes me and keep going, well unless I am in too much pain.. Right? 

*Sigh* I probably sound like a spoiled brat when I nag about my work.. But I just don't know how to deal with this thing.. I am so sick of it all :S

Other than work, I have been having money on my mind a whole lot lately. For me to be able to take the long leave that I am planning, we will have to really watch how much we spend.. My hubby just got a nice raise, so we really wont be having too much of a hard time with allt he expences, but I have been standing on my own for so long, that having him being the one who will be paying more than twice as I will be to our joint account to cover everything really has been tough on me. I know that the reason why I will having the low income is because of the baby, and because it is best for our family that I stick around until he is old enough to go to kindergarden.. But it has been tough.. Silly right?? - I mean if he was the one staying home, I would be the one paying more than he does.. So I should just shut it and be thankfull - right?? 

Anywho... 

The next few weeks are going to be packed with baby stuff.. This Thursday we have a new check-up with the midwife.. This week, we are attending Lamaze classes, and my work is actually covering the bill for it (See I should be greatful, and don't be so upset about my work... ).. The upcoming two Mondays we have "parenting" classes.. It's basicly going to be about the birth plan, and stuff like that as far as I know.. And then the 11th we are going to have another check-up with the midwife, and later the same day we will go to the hospital for a 3D/4D scan. I am really looking forward to that.. This whole becoming a monther thing is getting really real ladies.. 

I just hope that they keep telling us that the baby is healthy, and that everything is fine.. I have these dreams about stuff that can go wrong.. But I hear that it is normal.. Like every other weird thing that they tell you is normal while you are pregnant.. 

Anyways, I am going to finish this wall of text.. Thank you again for all your comments and support.. and welcome to the new followers.. Thanks for reading :) 

Oh and before I forget.. I had to activate the stupid "Please prove you're not a robot" thing on the comments after I got 30.. Yes you saw correct 30 - spam comments in one day.... :S 

Ah well.. Take good care of you ladies... <3 

Sorrrryyyy!!!!

I'm sorry to be so MIA again.. Got this guy to get ready to take over my position when I go on my matirnaty leave who SUCKS!!!!!! And he is draining all my energy and time at work (not that it is giving any results.... ) ...
Between that - and the pain, I am soo tired by the time I get home.. I have been going to bed around 9 PM everyday and still feel like I have no energy..

I will make a more proper post soon.. But I wanted to check-in and say thanks for all your comments on my last post..

<3 you all

Depression??

Not sure what's wrong with me..
I don't know if it is due to the pain - or me feeling huge, not being able to move freely.. But I feel so down lately.. I know I am 7 months pregnant and it is normal to be big and heavy.. But all I think about is how badly I want to get rid of all this weight..
I also know that I am lucky that haven't been gaining during this pregnancy, and that I will weigh much less than when I found out about being pregnant.. And I do feel a whole lot of love and joy when I feel my baby boy move.. But the numbers are taking over my mind.
I keep thinking about how badly I want to be able to wear shorts next summer.. How much I hate being yet another overweight mother.. About how much should I eat.. How I should maybe practice more portion control already. And then I get really afraid - cause I know that these thought aren't coming from a healthy place.. I don't want be a mother with ED behaviours.. I don't want to have my kid see that I hate my body..
My logical side of the brain says it wont happen. I have changed a whole lot during this pregnancy.. I have been listening to my body most of the times and followed what it needs.. And I know it will take a couple of years before the baby understands enough to notice my actions. But I just don't want to go there..

I don't understand why I am thinking about it..
I don't understand why I feel so shitty about everything...

I know it's wrong of me to be happy that I haven't gained weight every time I step on the scale.. And I know it's wrong of me to step on it as often as I do.. But I don't know how to control it..

Maybe it's just the fact that I have been home for a few days.. Maybe I am over-thinking it all.. Maybe it's all the changes that I can not control that is bringing up the ED thoughts.. I just don't know...

I need to stay strong.. I need to push those thoughts away.. I know that.. Right now - I'm just not sure how..

There are so many things I wish were different.. I wish I had a good loving family who would be there.. One who I don't feel like I need to always tip toe around..
I wish I was living back in Oslo where I had my friends close to me..
I wish I had more willpower to actually have done something about my weight before I got pregnant..
I wish I could shut my mind and think of other things than weight.. Body.. Numbers.. How to's..
I wish I didn't feel so lonely...

Pain.....

The person who said that the 3rd trimester is joyful is a lying bitch... I have so much pain - in so many places that I dunno what to do with myself.....

Happy??

Turning 30 today.. Not sure how I feel about it..

Cute!!!

Isn't this the cutest thing EVER!!!??? 

My mum found these mini converse shoes ^^ We ordered a pair for my baby boy ^^ I just think they were the cutest ever ^^

Been a while..

I'm sorry for being so much MIA lately.. I just don't know what to post... On one hand I have a hard time wrapping my head anything but the baby - and being pregnant.. On the other hand I do have a whole lot of thoughts about the things I want to do after the baby is out (with my weight, health ect) but I feel like a dork talking about it when it's so far away.. But anyways :) Here it goes...

I am looking more and more forward to end of this year - having the baby here with us - and next year and the changes it will bring. I think it will be a very different journey than anything I have been on before.. And it is very very scary.. But I think.. I hope.. That I/we will be fine..

What do you guys think of the name Caspian for our baby boy?? And no please don't say Prince Caspian from the chronicles of Narnia.. As some of you might remember I am Persian, living in the Nordics and I really wanted our boy to have a name that can be related with Persia, but also one that doesn't sound weird to the nordics. We also have a VERY nordic last name - so I wanted the first name to be a tad more me.. Caspian is related to the Caspian Sea which is a landlocked sea in north-west Asia ( north of Iran) which was named after the ancient Caspians (or Caspis) who used to live on its shore. My grandmother from my dads side, and my grandfather from my mothers side both have their roots from that area. So it's not a randomly picked name .. I also like that the name is special and that there wont be 100s of other guys with the same name as our baby boy.

Over to something else. I saw this video the other day - and I really loved it.. If you have the time - it really is worth having a look.  The clips name is "hungry for change" .. So if the link doesn't work - you should be able to find the whole thing on youtube. :)

I have lately been looking more and more into how to cure my body using food.. I mean.. We all eat food.. We all have had our issues with food.. It has for years been an enemy.. Wouldn't it be amazing to become friend with food and use it to live a healthy life?? At times it seems like a dream... But I mean lets face it, there are way too many people who has done it - why wouldn't I be able to do the same?? The main point.. The main reason why I think these things can work is because there is no food abuse.. There are no diets.. The main rule is to eat what your body needs, give it nutrients for it to feel full and for it to be able to heal..

This pregnancy has been hard.. And I think it would have been so much easier if I had a normal and healthy relationship with food and my body - and with my mind.. I really don't wish the state of mind I have been to any others.. And if I was to give an advice to anyone who is thinking about getting pregnant it would be this:

• Have a healthy relationship with food and your body
• Have a healthy state of mind where you don't hate your body and the changes that it will have
• Make sure to be in a healthy weight/BMI range

Don't misunderstand me.. I am really looking forward to have this baby here.. But I wish I had been a better place with my self, so I could enjoy the journey more.

My hubby and I have been talking more and more lately.. And I have been trying my best to be open to him about what is on my mind.. And it's starting to feel so much easier.. I am really happy to have you girls around for when I need to vent - cause you girls always understand.. But I must admit that things are starting to feel so much "lighter" now that I can talk to him.. He still doesn't understand it all.. He still get the "OMG you what" look on his face from time to time.. But now I know.. I don't have to carry it all alone.. I know that I don't need to worry about my eating habits/issues around the baby cause he will be there to notice if something is wrong. And I know he will be there to help and support me on getting healthy even if he doesn't always like the idea of it. It is a weird feeling.. To have someone really care about me.. My health.. My body.. It's so so weird..

This is another page I have been on more and more lately - It is an amazing page if someone is looking into clean eating - and to rehab the body with food.

At the moment.. I am mostly doing research and are working on my mind and how to befriend food.. I don't want to do any drastic change while I am pregnant, but my thoughts are to get on these things starting new year.. If any of you have any other similar pages/books ect I should look into, feel free to let me know :)

Anywho.. I'm gonna finish up for now.. Take good care of you all ladies..

<3

*untiteled*

I'm sorry for being awol so much lately.. I am so freaking tired all the time.. We had our vacation and we have been back to work for a week.. Working from 08 - 5 really takes its toll on me.. Luckily people are still on their vacation mode and we don't have that much to do at work else I'd be dead!!! hehe

Thank you all so much for the comments on my last post.. I am relaxing more about the weight and I am happy to report that I haven't been gaining since my last post.. I had another check up last Thursday and the nurse is really happy with my weight - which makes me relax more and more about it. We also got to hear our little boys heart.. They tried to listen to it when I was the last time - but he was moving too much for them to be able to get a hold of him.. This time we got to hear it properly and it was just so amazing :)

I have also decided how I am going to take out my maternity leave.. I will start taking out vacation days from around second week of Novemeber - and I will go on my leave from the 19th.. and I will be out the rest of the 2012 - and I am taking 2013 off.. I told my boss that I was going to start going back to work starting January 2014 - but only part time.. They were fine with it, and they are open for changes as long as I let them know about the changes 2 months prior to the change. During this time we will have to watch the way we spend our money, but we did the math and we will be just fine :) Worst comes to worst we will have to dug into savings.

We are also almost done with baby room and all the things he needs. We just need to buy a couple of small stuff but that is about it.

When my mum was here she bought a chair for the baby - this is a Norwegian brand and the things from them are a little more expencive the "normal" stuff - but I guess you get what you pay for.. Cause we got 5 years of warranty and it can be used for all ages.. Anywho, if you want to have a look, this is a link to the page with info about the chair. We got the back one to match the rest of our dining chairs - we also got the black baby set and the premium cushion :)

We also invested in their daybed.. We were told that the baby needs to sleep in our room the first few months and we don't have room for his bed in our bedroom... So we wanted something smaller and something that is easier to move.. We also wanted a bouncer so this was perfect for us.. I really love the color and design of this thing.. 

Anyways.. I need to be off.. I was informed that the reason for a lot of my pain lately has been pelvic girdle pain and let me tell you this.. It hurts ALOT.. I guess this is also another reason why I am so freaking tired again..

<3

Not feeling all too good today...

So my body decided to crash... Season change is hitting us and the fibromyalgia is acting up.. This morning I could barely move.. Being pregnant means that I can't take any of my pain killers that work for me..
And as if this morning wasn't bad enough - my body reacted to this new bread I had for breakfast.. It's supposed to be very healthy- high fiber, sourdough bread.. And I just had to run to the bathroom and everything came up.. This was so much worse than any purging experience of my life...
This was around 2 hours ago.. I just looked in the mirror and my face is covered by red dots... You know when you have been purging really badly and you get the red dots over your eyes??? My whole fucking face is covered with it...
I really hope my face looks better by the time hubby gets home - cause if it looks like this by the time he gets home, he will panic.. *sigh*

And today.. I got on the scale.. And I am gaining.. I know I know - I HAVE to.. It's normal.. I am 6 months pregnant .. I lost around 15 lbs since I got pregnant.. I have gained 3 lbs during the last 2,5 weeks. Again I know.. It is normal to gain.. But it really freaked me out.. But I wasn't ready for it.. You know..
I know I was worried before about not gaining and keep losing weight.. But.. Today.. It was just too much..

Anyways.. Hope you guys are feeling better than I am..


<3

Back :)

Our trip to Copenhagen was lovely. We didn't have much luck with the weather.. It was raining ALOT and we had several hours of thunderstorm. But we went out for couple of romantic dinners and we had time to just be.
It's so weird, we have been married for a year, and our wedding day was on our one year anniversary.. So we are still a "new" couple... But for me it feels like we have been together for years.

A whole lot of people have made comments about how things have been going too fast with us.. But who cares??? When it feels right - and you know that it is right.. You just know it. We have bad days, every couple does - but I am so lucky to say that I feel happy with my relationship at some point of the day every single day. On the days I feel horrible.. When I feel nothing is right - and that I feel like I can never ever be happy in my own skin, it is such a blessing to have this one thing in my life that makes me happy.

Anywho :)

Just wanted to drop by and say hi. And I am off to finish getting updated on your blogs.

<3

* Title*

Some times it's so hard to find a proper title for posts.. Anywho..


My mom went back home this morning - and her trip has been just fine. We didn't really talk much, but I did tell her that I didn't want her to come and stay with us after the baby was born. She wanted to stay for two weeks - and her intentions are all good , but lets face it.. I would go mental.. I also think it is very important for us to be able to get our own rutines with the baby without someone else trying to tell us what to do. She tok it pretty well.. I was very surprised that she actually listened.

She had bought some baby cloths and a toy. And when she was here she bought another set of cloths and this chair we wanted for the baby. It was really nice of her cause the chair in it self was pretty expencive. I will post some more pictures of them in a late post. (I am too lazy to get up and take picture now hehe)..
----


I got some questions about the parental leave here so I thought I would make a little post about it. In Norway it's pretty straight forward - you get to take 10 months and keep 100% of your regular income - or you can take 12 months for 80%.. The other parent can take 8 weeks for the full income in addition to it.

Here in Sweden it's a mess. They have so many rules and thing which really are giving me a headache.
In total we have the right to take 480 days off. Where (in our case) the father has to take 60 days. Of those 480 days you have 90 days where you get the low pay rate which is around 20 USD a day.. The rest gives you around 80% of your income pre tax. When I go on my leave my income will be around 800 USD less than what I get paid normally.. And even though we will be just fine - we wont have any room to "play", and we will depend a whole lot more on my husbands income.

So yes technicly I can take a whole year off but I really am not sure what I am going to do. I might take 10 months full time and then the rest as 50% leave and work 50% .. I really have to think about what will be best for us.. All of us..

That said the goverments in the nordics give this monthly amount of money for the kids until they turn 18. For one kid it's around 175 USD - and for two it's around 340 USD ( I know for a fact that I wont have more than two kids - so the other amounts aren't really relevant for us)..

So erm ya .. I hope it explains it a bit better hehe ..

Anywho.. I am going to go off for now.. I have loads on my mind lately.. I should make a post about that too soon... I sure need to vent - but right now, my head is a little to messy..

<3

Dear stupid Anonymous!

I got a comment left on one of my old posts saying this:

Hello there! I know this is kinda off topic nevertheless I'd figured I'd ask. Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest writing a blog article or vice-versa? My website goes over a lot of the same subjects as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from each other. If you're interested feel free to shoot me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Superb blog by the way! Also see my site > buy hcg diet canada

I mean.. Come on! Who the fuck do you think we are here?? lol - What ever we are - we sure aint stupid! 

This is just a new low for random PR / stupid comments.. 

Did anyone else got the same msg? 

Upset rant..

I haven't been at work that much lately thanks to the extreme coughs I have had. I worked 3 days last week before I lost my voice again - and I have been at work since yesterday. It will only be two days this week before I go on my vacation for two weeks. 

So I shouldn't really be complaining but this work is really messing me up lately.. It's not the job in it self.. I love my job.. I love most of my co-workers.. But the changes we have been having here have been soo annoying.. 

They have been taking in some people who are fucking up everything.. Our new PR director.. She SUCKS.... And she is so dense.. She miss spells all of our press realises and even though we have told her that she does - she just ignores it.. The new development manager.. Well he is just a bright flower.. After he started more than half of the testers and developers have disappeared.. Makes you wonder why?? right?? 

The new sales manager ... She doesn't speak to other females.. It's so fucking annoying.. If you say hi - or whatever.. She just ignores you - or walks by.. I have heard it from so many of the girls.. But he is best friend with the guys.. What the fuck is that all about??? 

Our production manager is a control freak... He has the team under such a leash that they can't even take a break without him asking them exactly what they are doing.. 

And my closest manager.. He is just.. Well he doesn't do shit... First of the guy can not multi task to save his life.. Second he "forgets" things that shouldn't be forgotten.. *sigh*

And I know - I "only" have 3 moths left here before I go on my leave for a year .... But this is really messing me up... I have had to check my blood levels twice while I had been at work - and both times they have been sky high cause I feel so upset and stressed when I'm at work. 

I keep reminding my self of my new mantra.. "3 months to go" .... But ya... 

Anywho... I just needed to vent a tad.. 6 hours to go.. 

I have made up my mind!

Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. It really helped to get your opinions on the matter and it made it easier for me to make my decision.

I have decided to give her a chance - so I sent her a PM telling her that. But I also made it clear that I didn't believe her excuses and that I knew they were lies. Also that I need to see some proper changes in her actions to start giving her any sort of trust. I have also told her that if she ever again acts that way towards me - or anything close to that against my kids that she is out.

I guess the thing I keep forgetting is that I don't live that close to them anymore - and that I actually can control how much contact i have with them. I really need to remember that they are not able to mess me up even more unless I allow them to keep doing it. Birthdays - Christmas that is about it.. And I don't have to let it be anything more than that unless I want to.

So again :) Thanks.

Over to something else.. I have officially lost 15 lbs since I found out that I was pregnant. Again I haven't tried to lose any weight - so a part from the time I had the morning sickness, I really don't get how it keeps going down. As you might remember I was pretty worried about it to beginn with - but after my talk to the midwife I am feeling ok. My friend (the one who just gave birth to her second kid) says that I have a luxury problem - I do have a hard time understanding how most woman can gain so much during their pregnancy. The same friend I just mentioned gained around 50 lbs with her son (that was 1,5 years ago) and she gained around 40 lbs with her last one. .

So I guess I should just be happy and stop thinking about it. The midwife told me that I will soon start putting on some weight - the last 3 months of the pregnancy is the time where the baby grows the most and I should also gain some weight then. My goal was to not gain more than 15 lbs during this pregnancy - and I guess if I keep it up and watch my eats ect I should be able to keep it around that too.

I started my 21st week of pregnancy today and my tummy is rounding up. I can see clear changes from last week and I must admit it is so weird.. I am actually starting to have a hard time bending or getting out of the sofa in a normal way lol...

Anywho :) What else.. Hmm..

Oh yes.. I am still coughing a whole lot.. And getting pretty tired of it.. I hope however to go back to work tomorrow or the day after. I have two weeks of vacation starting Monday - so I think it would be smart of me to show up at work for a couple of days before that.

Talking about vacation - my mother is coming to visit us. She arrives on Saturday afternoon and is leaving really early (her flight is at 8 AM) on Thursday.. I am a tad worried about it cause of .... Well you know.. Everything.. So wish us luck and keep them crossed to this trip of hers goes ok. I really can't take more family dramas..

Monday after she leaves is our one year wedding anniversary.. With everything that we have to buy for the baby we can't really afford a proper trip so we are going to spend a couple of days in Denmark, Copenhagen. We have booked a nice hotel and I really am looking forward to it. It is the last time we can take a "alone" trip before the baby comes and it will be a while until we can have another after he is here so I really wanted us to do something - just the two of us.

Anways - I'm going to end this wall of text. Again, thanks for all your comments.


<3

I need some advice!

First I want to start saying thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. I never thought it was possible to have a support system like the one you have been offering me here. You ladies are just wonderful <3

This weekend has been different. You guys remember my sister from this post? Anyways - just a quick update is that I have two half sisters (their dad is the one who raped and abused me when I was a kid). The middle one is 7 years younger than me - the youngest 12. So that means the youngest is now soon to be 18.

I didn't have much of a relationship with the middle one until a year ago. She has had her own battles to live with - she was born with anxiety cause her dad used to hit my mother when she was pregnant with her. That developed into many things over the years and she was using heavy drugs by the time she was 17. She did that for some years but she has been trying her best to get out of it all for the last years - and she has been mostly clean the last couple of years. I always had an understanding for why things went the way they went with her - and even though we never had a relationship, I have always made sure that she knows that if it really matters, and if she needs me, that I will be there for her.

My relationship with the youngest one has been different. After I moved out from my mum I always made sure that she could come and visit. She would come - stay for a week or so. And since I knew she missed having me there - I used to always spoil her. I was always there for her when my mom was the person she is. I always support her choices.. I was even the one having the "safe sex" talk with her.
When she turned 14 ish - she started being a huge bitch. She didn't even bother to send me a text on my birthdays. Or say thanks for her own birthday/Christmas gifts. I always put that on "the teen hormonal behaviour".. I mean.. Being bitchy is "normal" when you are 14 right? - This was the same time when our other sister was on her worst with the drugs - so I figured that also played a big part in her behaviour.

But over the years she just got worst. And she did it being aware of what she is doing. Her sleeping with everything on two legs - smoking heavily - drinking like a sailor and being very very rude - calling me for names were the reason why I started taking some distance from her when she was around 16.

The day before my wedding, I had a big dinner with all my friends and family and she got pretty drunk.. On our wedding.. She did the same.. When I asked her to cool off and get some coffee she called me for a bunch of things and walked away. The post I linked at the start of this post - was kind of the breaking point for me. After the wedding - she added all my friends on facebook - after she started posting naked pics of her and aksed her to remove my friends from facebook.. She deleted me - and let them be. And that just made me flip.. I called her - and told her that this was the last drop. She had the nerves saying that for her to talk to me, I had to respect her lol.. When I told her that for me to respect her, she needs to start respecting her self first she hung up. And I didn't talk to her until I found out I was pregnant.

A couple of weeks after I told you girls that I was pregnant, I sent her a PM - and told her that I was pregnant, and that she was becoming an aunt. And if she wanted to be a part of any of our lives, she needed to start taking some action to get her life together. I dunno if I mentioned it for or not - but I didn't hear from her for almost 4 months..

This Saturday she contacted me saying she was sorry. And then she said a whole bunch of lies about why she had been acting the way she had. She blamed it on drugs among other things.. And I know for a fact that her excuses all were lies. She has done everything she has done - just because she wanted the attention and she wanted to be cool. That's it.

I know that she is still "roaming" around. And she hasn't done anything to get her act together. And lets be honest.. I had major depression because of her and my mothers behaviour in this pregnancy. It's not that long ago I even posted about it here..

Now she wants me to forget it all and welcome her to my family and life as if nothing has happened.. And I really don't think I want to. But on other hand - I think that it might be unfair to the kid to have her completely cut out of his life..

I know we all deserve a new chance - but all her excuses were lies.

I told her - that I would think about it.

What do you girls think.. What should I do.. I really don't trust her right now. And I really don't believe anything of what she said. So I'm pretty lost..

What would you do?

Season 5!

I have been watching season five of Supersize vs Superskinny. It is one of my fav shows - but I didn't watch season five cause it was sort of yucky..
It was on TV the other day so I watched the first episode, and I have been streaming the rest from youtube. And right now I am watching episode 6 - and it starts with the doc (which btw I have always thought is a huge hotty!) is talking to these patients.. And they are ofc all obese - have diabetes type 2 - and have lost some body part due to it..

And what amazes me is how much they all remind me of my friend in London. I have mentioned him before - its the guy who has the diabetes due to his lifestyle - and who says living a healthier life doesn't suit the lifestyle he wishes to have. They all know what they are doing to them selves.. They all know that if they lose some weight they will get better - and they all say that they are too lazy to do it!

I was thinking that "omg, i can not believe that they do this to them selves" - but the matter of the fact is that I am one of those people. I might not be one of those in the hospital but lets be honest.. Due to me being overweight I have the following issues:

- I have fibromyalgia - which is not weight related, but my symptoms are all much worse because of my weight
- I have gestational diabetes - although people born where I was are more likely to get it - the fact of the matter is that I was in a much bigger risk zone because of my insanely hight BMI.
- Now that I have the gestational diabetes I am in a very high risk zone to get diabetes type 2, if I do not change my lifestyle.
- Although I am one of those "lucky" people with an hourglass body shape - I am so big that I can not shop in normal store anymore. With my love for fashion I am reduced to shop the things that fit - not the things I like..
- Due to my weight I have barely no confidence. I do not feel sexy.. I do not dare to get naked infront of my husband. When I am undressed infront of him, I try to position my self in a way that it doesn't look as fat - but lets face it, it does - no matter where i turn.
- My BMI is over 40... Which means that I am morbidly obese.. The number doesn't lie.. I am not chubby, I am not just big.. I am morbidly obese.. And if I do not do anything about it.. I will die.. But my death will be like those people in the hospitals in UK.

I do have better eating habits now after that I got pregnant. I do not binge or purge anymore. I do not skip meals and go on a extreme binge around dinner time.. But I am still not eating as healthy as I should.
I still eat too much meat for my liking - I still have days where I eat very unregular meals. I still do move anywhere close to what I should.

Don't misunderstand - this post isn't a "oh poor me" post.. I just think I should finally face the facts. I need to prep my self - and work on chaning the way I think about food and start taking small steps towards my goal. I know that I will keep at some point start gaining more weight due to my pregnancy. But I don't want to go on yet another diet when the baby is born.
I do have a goal weight - and I do have exercise goals.. But I want to change my lifestyle.. I don't just want to get thin. I want to be healthy.. I want to live a life I can be proud of.

I have always said I do not want to be the mother my mum was to me - to my kids. And my mother, no matter what size she was, was always insecure - and it was easy to us to see that she hated her body. I do not want my kids to see that in me.

I need to change my mind.. So I can change my life.
I need to to change the way I view food and exercise.
I need to learn that I am worth having a healthy life.. A long life.. A life without pain.

Ok.. This is just too horrible not to share ..

Nuf said! 

On strike!

I'm staying home again. I am still coughing a whole lot. It was better on Monday - but got much worse on Tuesday. Yesterday I told my teamleader that I couldn't be on the phone for that much and that he should take me off everything but the Norwegian line. Did he do it? No..
So my cough got worst during yesterday and I was coughing all evening and night.. And this morning.. So now I just thought.. Fuck it.. If he doesn't care about my health, then why should I let him be in charge?
So I am taking today off - probably tomorrow too. The worst annoying part is that he was sitting next to me yesterday and he could hear how bad my cough is. He even made some comments about it.. By the end of the day I was just.. *sigh* - So enough is enough.. I hate staying home from work.. But I can not take another week of coughing..
On top of that on Tuesday I was so stressed at work that I didn't measure my blood sugar when I was supposed to. I had too much to do - and the annoying part is that I was doing the job that isn't a part of my job. My blood levels were the highest they have been ever... I have been testing it for weeks now - and never been close to those numbers. I am checking the levels today again - and hopefully the levels are normal again - if not I have to talk to that diabetes specialist and see if I need to take insulin.. Which I really really really don't want to.
They did tell me that stress effects the levels a whole lot - but that the further I get into the pregnancy, the more hormones the body produces which can effect it all. So I am really hoping that it was the stress of the day - and not the hormones.. Cause the last part would really suck :( - I guess I just have to wait and see how today goes before I start worrying more.

----------------

Have you guys seen Fat Sick and Nearly Dead? I saw the clip the other day and it amazed me. My hubby always teases me for watching too many body related stuff - but even he was amazed by this. Here is the trailer:

Even though I am aware of the fact that what we put in our bodies really effects our health and how we feel - but things like this still amaze me. I plan to do the juice fast for 10 days when I am done breastfeeding the baby - if I don't breastfeed him - I will start with it when I start my weight loss plan starting January next year. And I must say - I am really looking forward to that.  --------------  What else is new.. Hmm.. Well we are pretty much done getting all the "big" things needed for the baby room. Here is a picture of the closet - the changing table and the beddings we got (PS: ignore the mess)

We also got some new cloths for him (The superman tee and the mini socks were a gift).

That is about it for now.
I am going to get some breakfast - and see if there are any blogs to read (the blogger world is very very quite lately).

<3

Stupid pop-up!

I have now removed everything on my blog that was not standard blogger add-on. Let me know if you still get the stupid "surprise" pop-up..

Does any of you have any idea what can cause it? - It can't be a local thing since you guys get it too.. I still did a full scan of my laptop and the PC to be sure, and nothing was found..

Feeling better :)

Sorry for the foul mood yesterday.. I am much better today.. I had a good chat with this friend of mine, and he was so right.. I need to keep remembering that this is my life - my kid - my family and if anyone wants to be a part of it - it will be in our own terms.. I also have to remember to stop letting people walk all over me being too nice and thinking "what ever" ..

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We finally had a new appointment with the midwife/nurse and I got to talk to her about the weight.. More of the weight loss, instead of gain.. And she assured me that everything was normal. As you girls said, it is because I am eating smaller portions and more often.. And the baby is growing the way he is supposed to.. So if I hadn't been pregnant, I would probably weigh 3-4 lbs less than I do.. As she put it "the baby is growing - you are the one getting smaller".. She also said that it was a positive fact, and since my goal is to not gain more than 10-12 lbs during this pregnancy - I am pretty much on track.

I was thinking today, and if I manage to stick to the way I am eating and so on- and the pregnancy goes the way it is, I will weigh as much as I did by the end of it - as I did when I found out I was pregnant. Which if you ask me is amazing, cause I do as we all know have a whole lot of junk in my trunk lol

And as you might remember I was told that I have gestational diabetes.. And that has been going great.. My levels are still normal. I talked to the diabetes nurse yesterday and she thinks it must have been the stress of everything, and the fact that I had been so sick that caused the blood sugar go that high on the day I tok the test. So even though I am going to keep checking my blood levels every other day - I am so much more relaxed about it and my eats and everything..

Can you believe that I am almost halfway done with this pregnancy.. It's not that long ago I was in panic mode over being knocked up.. and now it's already half way there. The midwife asked me today when I am planning to start my pregnancy/parental leave... And she told me i should think about taking off work around 4 weeks before the due date.. My due date is 27th of November - which means I would be taking time off from work from beginning of November.. That is not that far away...

Time goes by fast.. Sometimes it feels like it's going by way too fast.. It is a tad freaky isn't it... ?

Anyways.. I'm going off for now.. just wanted to give you all a quick update.

<3

Fuck being sick!

I am so fed up with being sick.. I have been coughing for freaking two weeks now.. Saw the doctor yesterday - and she said "it will pass".. WTF lol... I am sure it will - but the question is WHEN!!
I have been home since the trip to Oslo - and she told me to stay in until next Monday.. I am going crazy... I mean I do like having time off - but being stuck at home - coughing is not what I like to spend my time on.. *sigh*

And on top of that .. I am so freaking angry lately.. I keep having these angry dreams about my socalled family - and I wake up feeling more pissed.. And I just sometimes really want to call up some of them and tell them how they make me feel..

I still haven't heard from my "sister" after I told her I was pregnant.. That was ermm what .. Over 2 months ago... And my mother.. She is being her usual self.. She is just so full of her self, and why the fuck does it always have to be about her? .. Now she has grown a sudden "love" for this baby - and she talks about how she is going out buying stuff.. And is having opinions about what my baby needs.. And I have been trying to be as polite as possible - trying to explain how the stuff she thinks is what we need isn't what we actually need.. and that if she wants to spend money, she could get some of the things we actually do need.. But does she listen?? Ofc not.. She never has.. Why would she now..

And get this.. She doesn't want the kid to call her for grandma.. It makes her feel old.. What the fucking fuck is that all about??? *sigh* She said "I don't know how I feel about someone calling me grandma, so we should find out what the baby is going to call me" ... Oh did I mention she has decided to come visit? She is coming in two weeks, even after I told her that it was our vacation time, and we were planning to take a trip somewhere - and she decided that we could do it AFTER she has been here..

Why the hell does she asks if it is OK for her to visit when she is just going to ignore what I say?? I am so sick of them.. All of them.. Oh and lol ... She is planning for my kid to stay with her for some weeks every summer lol.. As if that is ever fucking going to happen.. She fucked up the 3 of us.. and she thinks I will let my kid be alone with her.. EVER???? She is just so fucking clueless.. And I am so sick of trying to keep the peace and be nice.. But what else can I do???

I just wish that she could open her eyes and see what she is doing.. I just wish that I could have a normal talk with her without it depressing me for days.. And sometimes.. I just wished they didn't exist.. My life would have been so much happier and easier without them.. *sigh*...

I'm sorry for this but I am just so fed up..

A more proper update!

I have had a rough night.. I had a hard time breathing and the coughing kept me awake.. And when I finally got to sleep again it was around 06:30.. I woke up from our neighbours renovation...Who the hell starts working at 08:30 in the morning without giving a proper neighbour notification?? 

Anywho... I am very tired, but am feeling a little better today, so I thought I would make a more proper post and try to give some asnwers to the questions I haven't replied to yet. 

I can start with the day of ultrasound.. It was one of the wackiest, weirdest things I have EVER seen.. I thought the baby would look a little more "alian" if you know what I mean.. But no.. It was this little tiny person.. Who had hiccups lol.. So this little tiny person was jumping around in my tummy.. Who knew that a baby can have hiccups in the woom??? I didn't ^^

After we got to see the baby and were out of the room, my hubby was all "lets go and sit down a bit" .. And I was all "no I'm Ok, lets just go to the car" and he said: "I wasn't thinking of you - I really need to sit down" lol.. And yes.. When we did.. My wonderful, emotional hubby was crying for .. erm I dunno ^^ 15 mins lol.. I think it was the first time the baby actually felt real to him.. I have been feeling the baby move and being sick and so on has made it real for me - but for him.. I think that was the moment hehe.. I must say, him being all emotional is one of the reasons why I love him ^^ 

When we were at the ultrasound, they also found out that I am not as far as they thought.. They thought I was in week 19 - but it showed that it was only week 17.. So the baby was too tiny to have a full check-up.. And we are going back again this Sunday to have him fully checked. They said from what they could see everything looks good, they just want to be sure, since he was too tiny for them to be able to see everything.. I am really looking forward to see him again.. My little tiny weird boy ^^ 

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The trip to Oslo was also kind of baby related.. My friend had her baby girl last Wednesday.. So we decided to take a trip to meet the little girl, and to pick up the stroller. We also got to meet up with my cousins who were in Oslo for a small trip.. They live in Dubai and we hadn't seen them since the wedding, so it was good to have some time with them.. But OMG.. I had forgotten how insanely expencive Oslo is.. A day with my little cousins where we hit the movies and had dinner ended up costing us around 350 US dollars... Which I really think is insane.. We didn't even have anything fancy, just pizza... 

So if you guys ever hit the nordics.. Remember.. Oslo is probably the most expencive city you will EVER come across.. So bring shit loads of cash lol ^^

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What else.. Ah yes.. Linny asked if I was thinking about breastfeeding.. And yes I am.. If there is enough to feed the baby and have him content.. I want to breast feed him the first 6 months.. After that when it's time to introduce more "real" food - I think it will also be time to stop breast feeding too.. 

I have seen and read articles about these mothers who breastfed the kids until they are 3-4 years, and in the most extreme 10.. And it really freaks me out.. So yes.. I think 6 months is enough.. 

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Anywho.. I am going to end this post for now since I am starting to feel sort of woozy lol.. Stupid cold.. ^^

Thank you so much for all your comments and support.. I am very blessed to have you girls around.. 

<3 

Quick update..

Hay all..

Just wanted to drop by to say that I'm alive.. Ish..
My friend had her baby girl so we decided to take a trip to Oslo, and I have been sick since our second day there. We are home now - and I am yet again taking some sick days at home..

I sort of had no choice since I am coughing my guts out and I have no voice... Who the fuck knew coughing could hurt this much :S And the wonderful side of it all is that they can't give me any medication for it but normal asprins couse I'm pregnant... *sigh*

Anywho..

Gonna try to catch up on your blogs.. I think I have a couple of weeks worth of reading to do hehe - and I promise I will make a proper update post soon :)


<3

Oh boy, oh boy!

It's a boy!!!!

Had my ultrasound today :) And it showed that I am in week 17 and not 19 as they had calculated. So I have to have another one again in 14 days so can double check everything - but she said that from what she could see everything was fine :)

Annnnd she could see very very clear that it was a little boy :) (I couldn't see that it was a boy to save my life - but she could see it right away - so I guess it's pretty safe to say that it is a little boy ^^)

Anywho :) I thought I would let you know ^^


<3

Thinking ahead..

Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I love planning. I love thinking ahead and plan ect.. I often suck at following the plans - but still...

You also might remember that this pregnancy wasn't really planned and that I wanted to lose some more weight we went for it.. Now that it has happened and I am really looking forward to it.. I am also thinking about the time after the baby is born.

I am aware of the fact that having a new born baby will be hard and it will take a whole lot of time and energy - and some of you might even think "oh you didn't put the time into it before why would you do it with a baby around" .. But still..

I am due to have the baby some time in November (will know a more exact date on Monday after the ultrasound) - and I am not planning on doing anything until the new years.. I was thinking that first of my body will need the time to adjust to not being pregnant - and I think it will take some time for us to get used to having the baby there - and Christmas is right around the corner then, and I really don't want to plan to fail.. So I think the smartest option would be to wait until the new year and then go for it.

What I am thinking to do is pretty simple. Since I am getting a better grip of eating and listening to my body - I am going to put away calorie counting. I might do some it some day to have an idea about how much I'm eating - but my main focus will be portion control and to go for what my body asks, AKA eat when being hungry - stop when feeling full.. Thinking about why I want to eat the things I crave before actually having it...   And last and not least.. There wont be any forbidden foods.. This time around everything is allowed within limits.. I always enter the binge mode as soon as I put up a list of "forbidden" foods.. I guess it's normal though.. We want what we can't have right? - And I will keep my food journal of when and what I eat.. It really helps staying aware of the eats without having the insane number stress..

As far as exercise goes - I have a whole bunch of DVD's at home that I am going to put into use.. Lets see - I have a yoga box , a pilates box, Jillian Micheals box1 and box 2.. I am not sure if the pilates box is the right one - but you get the idea.. So I thought that since I will be off work for parental leave, which will last around a year I don't have to worry about getting a sitter - and I can do some of these while the baby is sleep ect. And there will be a bunch of walking cause the baby will need the fresh air and it will be good for us both to get out of the house..

I think one of my problems during this whole weight loss progress , which mostly has been ending up in a gain has been that I have been making it too complicated and I have been putting up unreal goals.. I think I am finally learning that I need to stop comparing my self to others and their progress.. It has taken me almost 30 years to get to this weight.. It wont disappear in a couple of months.. I want to put up my goals of 10 lbs/5kg at the time and go from there..

All small changes - small goal will end up in big amazing results , wont it? :)

Anyways.. I am going to end this wall of text.. I just needed to write down some thoughts..

Wish you all a great weekend!


<3


PS: Thanks for your lovely comments and welcome to new followers :)