New years resolution (yet again!)

• Lose weight 

I want to do another go on the low carb diet, keeping it strict through March/April and then start eating more of a less strict version of it

• Try for another baby

Want to start trying for another baby this spring, we want another and if we get pregnant before my son turns 20 months, we will keep the same allowance as we have now when I go on maternity leave else it will stoop down to half of what it is (stupid rules, can go on about it another time)

• Start running

I have been wanting to do this for ages.. You all know it.. If  I start now I will be able to keep at it even when I get pregnant.

• Do weight training 2-3 times a week.. 

I really need to work on my arm and back muscles.. Cause they are.. Well there almost isn't any muscle there worth mentioning!

• Get my driving license

I'm almost done with everything.. Hopefully I will have my license in January/February.. It has taken much longer time that I thought it would!

• Work and deal with my emotions instead of eating them away.. 

I envy the people who lose their appetite when they are sad.. Cause I just want to stuff my face.. And then stuff it some more

• Take care of my looks.. 

I mean really.. I need to start putting on a touch of makeup when I get out.. Try to look decent even though I am fat.. I can not look like a stay home mom who has fully forgotten how to dress up..

• Save money.. 

The time I had off on my maternity leave, specially the last few months, where I have been ill and my husband had to stay home to take care of our son has really taken a toll on our economy.. We have had to dig into our savings and it has been rough..

• Stay positive.. 

My mood has been horrible.. I have been depressed and have just now started to feel a tad better.. However I have been blessed, and I want to try to keep reminding my self of that when life gets in the way..

Last day of 2013..

Weight: Much higher than start of this year
Goals: Didn't reach any..
Plans: Lose weight.. Follow your goals.. (details to come)....



Today my son took his first independent steps.. Couldn't be more proud :) Life is going by too fast.. I just want it to slow down a tad..

I wont be doing the juice reboot... We can not afford it.. I went to the shop to buy all the veg ect and what it costs for me to be on a five day fast costs as much as what it costs for all of us to have proper good meals for a whole week..

And right now we just can not afford it... I feed us all with proper food, unprocessed (mostly) almost all the day.. Lets face it.. My problem is that I do not have any self control.. I need to get control over my eating.. My portions.. Everything.. And unless I do, no juice fast.. Nothing will help....

Juicing!

Going to start juicing this Saturday.. I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow, and get ready for it. I am going to juice guided 5 day plan from reboot with Joe, repeat it and take it from there.

I just really want to start the new year with a bang! You know what I mean...

Why is it so hard for me to make friends?? I keep finding mutual grounds and people I would LOVE to hang out with online.. The latest being the lady who is running the English business course I am taking for my job.. But in the real life.. Where it kind of matter.. Seems like no one likes me..

I mean.. I get friendly with a bunch of people.. But that's where it stops.. Seems like no on wants to take it any further.. I need friends I can go out and have a cup of coffee with.. To you know, shop with, hang with.. Whatever.. But it seems like it wont happen.. Whenever I try to go out with someone, doesn't matter if it's co-workers, someone I met on the mummy and me sing along hours, or whatever.. They always say OK, and then end up canceling it. I know it could be just a coincidence but I don't really think it is..

I guess I am one of those people who other people don't really like.. Maybe too honest? .. I know that I am too fat.. *sigh* .. I know it is silly but I think maybe people would like me more if I wasn't fat.. Maybe people would think I am more fun or whatever if I was skinny... It could be the case, right?

Anyways... I have one real life friend and she lives 6 hours drive away.. I guess I am going to stay lonely..  (And I promise you.. I feel lonely OFTEN...) And please, before you say I have my husband, you should know it's not the same..

I just... I don't know..

How do you guys do it? Make friends....

Another baby?

My husband and I have decided that we are going to try for another baby in March/April.. We knew we wanted another and I think for me it is kind of a now or never thing..
I don't want to wait for a few years and then try cause I know I would be getting yet another shock coming with the new baby. Now we are kind of used to it all, so it will be easier to adjust.. I also want my son to have someone to play with and to be with.. I never had a sibling that was close enough to my age to connect with, and I see how much my bffs kids (there is almost two years between them) love each other, and how nicely they play together and so on.. It would also be nice to have them go pass the toddler age almost at the same time..
And I would love another winter baby. However I don't want the kids to have birthday too close to another, and I don't want a Christmas baby. Trying in March, April means the kid will be born in January/February and that works fine. And I think having a little time to adjust to the idea before trying is a good thing..

Anyways.. This means I have 3,5 months to get on track.. My plan is to keep a strict low carb diet, and to start working out other than the walks I go on with my son. Hopefully this time around I will be more in shape and more ready for the pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was making good choices, I was watching my portions, and was so careful cause I wanted the best for him. I know I want to do the same for my next baby.. I am hoping to be able to be more active during the next pregnancy, and to keep the healthy eating even after the baby is born and don't make the same mistakes I made this time around.

As sad as it might be, I tend to reach my goals easier when I put them up because of someone else.. So I actually know I will be able to make it happen.

Do you guys have any special plans for 2014?

Suffocating!

Lately and pretty often lately, I feel like I am suffocating.. 

And I know that there are several things that are making me feel like I am stuck in a box unable to breath.. 

Lately I have been thinking of how much fat there must be around my organs.. You know where you see those horror images on supersize vs superskinny.. The ones of fatty levers, fat covered hearts and so on.. And I keep thinking that it is how my inside looks like.. Everything is covered with a thick fat layer of lard.. I remember this one episode where the hunky doctor talked about how many fat people died cause their insides was just crushed with all the fat.. That is how my lungs feel like... I am.. My body is suffocating in a tub of lard... And please.. Don't make any mistakes.. That tub of lard is me.. 

And these feelings are just getting more and more intense.. I have always liked stuff.. I love gadgets and I love having pretty small stuff around the house.. But now it feels like they are taking over the house.. I love the fact that my son has things to play with but OMG... He has so much toys.. And the pile seems to be growing.. I have maybe bought like 10% of the stuff and the rest are gifts.. The toys are taking over the living room and I am so freaking sick of stepping of fucking duplos... I have to make some room in his room and move some of the toys else I will go crazy! 

Out closets are filled with things, cloths and just random shit that we rarely use.. We keep asking our family and friends to rather give us money or give cards instead of presents for our birthdays and ect but we keep getting random shit!! I mean, I am not going to be a brat and just say that they are giving us shit.. But come on.. Why do people insist on buying others things that they don't need/want?? Like for my sons birthday.. We asked for gift cards or money so we can buy cloths for him. He is growing fast and he needs new cloths, and now that he is starting day care he will need even more things.. But what did we get?? Toys.. Loads of noisy big chunky toys... He plays with one of them.. The rest of just stashed with the rest of the toys he rarely touches. The kid is 1 year old.. He doesn't need all these toys.. *sigh*

I am going to clean up... Sell.. Give away... Cause the "stuff" are taking over my mind and I am going crazy... 

L word..

Watching the L word (yeah I know I'm behind lol) ... Have you seen it?? If you have, have you noticed how SKINNY everyone is ??? 

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! 

My own little superstar!

My son turned 1 yesterday!!! Can you believe it?? He is getting so big and is just such a happy little one :) 

He got his first cake yesterday, most of it was on the floor by the time he was done playing with it, and I can happily report that he has gotten his dads "I do not like sweets" genes. I bakes a simple yellow cake and topped it with a whole lot of vanilla frosting.. 

He got it little cracker by the time he had reached the middle of his smashing and it really made him happy :) Today we had my husbands family over and as you can guess there was more cake!! I baked chocolate chip muffins with more vanilla frosting! We also had some chocolate mud cake! 

He has just learned how to blow so he had a whole lot of fun trying to blow out the candle.. With a little help he managed to do it over and over and over again lol 

Anyways - I hope you guys had a good weekend.. Tomorrow is a new day and it means a new start and I am going to hop back on the LCHF wagon.. What are your plans for the coming week? 

My life..

I feel like my life is such a mess right now.. Things aren't going the way I want them to and I am falling apart. I have been having mental meltdowns pretty much every night.. And the way I "deal" with things is to binge.. It makes me feel OK the moment it is happening, but the pressure, the guilt and the shame afterward makes me crash again..

My son has been sick for a couple of weeks now, it's nothing serious, it's a cold, but he has been running a fever on and off, and he has this rash that doctor called for a virus rash, and keeps coming and going.. It looks horrible, it almost looks like someone has dipped him in boiling water.. It goes away within the hour and he isn't in any pain or discomfort because of it but it really is stressing me out. He has always been a tad underweight and now since he has a cold he isn't eating much either.. Which is another stress moment. We also finally got a notice on day care - and he has been accepted to start from 1st of January.. Even though we applied for him to be given a spot when he was a couple of weeks old, we have had to call and nag the people taking care of it almost every single day.. And even with all those calls and everything he didn't get a spot in the daycare we wanted him to.. I have no idea how the place he is going to start at works.. We are going to see if we can visit them and take it from there.. but yeah.. And the whole day care thing... Well lets say it is taking it's toll on me.. Scandinavian winters are though, and they call January and February for "sick kid" months, and that is when he is going to start.. My little baby is still small and I am so worried that he will be sick until spring time..

I wish I could keep him at home until spring, but we just can not afford it. The last couple of months have been really hard on our economics.. While I have been on my leave our income has gone down .. By a lot.. And the last couple of months we have had to take a lot of money out of our saving account to actually manage to pay everything and live.. With the expenses for my driving classes we are not far from hitting our bottom line and this is not something I have had to think about or deal with in years.. When you are alone, and have money problems is stressful enough but when you have a little one to think of, house loan and car and everything else it just is too much...

On top of everything is my body.. I am trying my best not to hate it.. But really.. It is impossible.. And I know it's not it's fault, it is all on me.. but I am just soo sick and tired of all the pain, moodswings and everything.. With all the binges I have also gained back what ever I had lost with the LCHF.. And the jumping on and off the low carb high fat diet is really fucking my mood even more..

I am just fed up.. And it is affecting not only my self, but my relationship with my husband too.. I am annoyed with him like 90% of the time, and I know that it's not fair cause he is doing his best, but I am so tired and miserable so often... And well, he is there..

Right now as in today I am just going to take one day at the time.. Hoping not to be this depressed and no binge...

I just want to be normal... No more ed no more depression.. Just normal

I don't think it will ever happen .... 

Update!

I want to first start off answering Tempest before I forget it (again :s)
- They say that when you eat too much protein the extra protein will up the insulin levels.. A LCHF diet wants you to stay around 25%.. So if you are aiming to eat around 1400-1500 calories as I do it is around 95 grams of protein. So everything over 100 grams of protein would be counted as too much protein.. (I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around that)..

Anyways as far as the diet goes I am going back on LCHF again tomorrow.. After 1,5 day on "normal" food I feel sick, bloated, out of energy and all around crappy.. There is however a couple of things I will do differently.. 1: I will not add a huge chunk of butter on each of my meals.. I mean come on.. I like butter sure, but I don't like to just have butter to have it.. It just is not normal to me.. I will try to up my fat intake as much as possible, but I am not eating butter just to eat butter!!! 2: I don't want to limit my veggies. The last week the only veggies I have had has been broccoli, mushroom, and leafy greens! Oh and I had zucchini once.. I don't mind limiting the amount of veggies I have but I really don't want to limit the kind of veggies I have.

And hay.. If I do go through another week of feeling crap then it is worth it cause I really felt good on LCHF..

Tonight however - there shall be some cake!

A day at the hospital and I sure have eaten my self out of ketosis.... The options of what you can have when you are there are very very very limited.

I don't know if I can handle another week of extreme headaches and horrible shape to go cold turkey with carbs again.. But I know for a fact that I will be limiting my carbs. Maybe I will just hop on the GI diet right away.. I dunno.. I guess I have until tomorrow to figure it out.. Right now I am kind of woozy, very very tired and just want to do nothing..

I'll update and let you know what I decided to do, and how it goes in a few days I think.

Planning ahead..

The more I learn about LCHF the more I get to understand that I am eating too much protein. The recommended amount of fat is a handful with each meal.. Even though I am loving a whole lot of things about LCHF but the amount of fat is also starting to bother me. And I know for a fact that this is not a lifestyle I want for the rest of my life. 

My goal is to stick to this diet until end of this year (I wont be as strict for Christmas dinner and such) - but after that I am need to make a change. As I have mentioned before I know for sure that I want another kid - and if everything goes well tomorrow and the doctors say that it is OK, we want to try for the next baby around next spring. This means that I can not live on a LCHF diet even if I wanted to. 

The perks of a low carb diet or lifestyle if you rather want to call it, are plenty - so after thinking a whole lot about it and talking to hubby I have decided that when 2014 is here I will start a GI diet. This diet isn't really that different from the LCHF, the main differences are that carbs are not banned.. You eat carbs, but you eat complex carbs. And you do not top everything with a handful of butter! I miss being able to eat fruit and a bunch of veggies that normal for me. I love beans, lentil based stews and soups, nuts and most of these food are too high carb for LCHF. And the GI diet is one you can actually be on while you are pregnant. This is the diet you are recommended if you have gestational diabetes. 

Anyways, I still have 1,5 months left with LCHF, but as you know I love planning ahead. 

<3

Too fat

I am too fat for my scale to measure my fat % and so on... 

First I thought it was the scale so I changed the batteries and redid my stats and still kept getting an error .. 

I made my hubby try it and it works fine... Error 4 = you are too fat for us to measure... 

I'm so depressed I want to cut of a limb or two.... 

Recap week one!

I have had 7 full days on LCHF and let me tell you I LOVE it! After a couple of days in I did feel a whole lot of fatigue, and woke up with a horrid headache, but it seems to be easing off now. I read that it is actually a normal reaction for people like me who go pretty much cold turkey and lower their carb intake as much as I did! This week i have tried and learned. And I am understanding what works best for me.. 

So lets see how this week has gone.. 

I started this journey weighing a horrid 258lbs! This morning the scale showed 250lbs... That is a wonderful 8 lbs loss! 

Goals: Cals, 1500, Carbs 19, Fat 117, Protein 94! 

Day 1: Cals 1028, Carbs 28, Fat 66, Protein 90. Fiber 12 

Day 2: Cals 1044, Carbs 21, Fat 83, Protein 63, Fiber 3

Day 3: Cals 938, Carbs 25, Fat 63, Protein 73, Fiber 7

Day 4: Cals 1359, Carbs 18, Fat 107, Protein 93, Fiber 2

Day 5: Cals 1737, Carbs 16, Fat 131, Protein 124, Fiber 4 

Days 6: Cals 1428, Carbs 15, Fat 117, Protein 82, Fiber 6

Day 7: Cals 1466, Carbs 12, Fat 115, Protein 91, Fiber 3

And I drink around 16-20 cups of water and a bunch of tea/coffee! 

As you see I started the week eating too little (I just wasn't hungry)  - then even though I upped my cals I crashed and had too much of everything.. The last two days have been more under control. And the numbers are more where they are supposed to be. 

I still haven't started exercising.. And I probably wont be able to do it either since I have the whole hospital thing coming up this Monday. But the diet is something I can do so I am sticking to it and it will hopefully get me where I need to be. 

I hope you all have a great weekend :) 

<3 

Too much protein!

Seems like I am eating too much protein to have the max effect from the LCHF diet. Going to try to up my fat intake and this is scaring the hell out of me cause I feel like I am already adding loads of fat to everything... 

I have also decided to start doing wiifit again - It was a very light exercise that I can easily do at home after my son goes to bed and even though it doesn't sound like much it used to up my heartbeat without being too hard on my knees and so on. I have a couple of other wii exercise games like boxing and Zumba too, so it won't be the same thing over and over. I figured if doing something fun and easy like wii will help me burn around 300+ calories in around 30 mins, I should just do it even though to many it is not proper exercise. Anyways - aiming to burn 1500 calories a week on home exercises a week. 

@tempest : they are huge low carb fans here in Sweden. They aren't for the extreme strict version but a whole lot of doctors and so on are recommending people to eat more and more GI foods. There are even really good GI frozen microwave meals with low sodium that are being sold cheaper than the normal ones for those who need easy options. 

Here the kids are fed at school ect and now they are even changing their old "plate method " aka 1/3 veggies meat carb to serving more GI food. Most kinder gardens also have their own chef and focus on locally produced, Eco friendly products - and the ones that do the best job with all it including teaching kids about recycling and proper food and so on get what is called a green flag .. :) which it's the ultimate seal of approval from a whole lot of parents! 

I follow lovehealthlifts blog on tumblr :) her blog is the one that inspired me to give LCHF a proper go!! She actually mentions my tumblr blog on her keto guide! 

It went fine!

Thanks for your support last night.. It went fine :)
I ate some roasted chicken and had some more water and went to bed. So that bump is over and I am so glad I remembered that I am on a LCHF diet and that means it is actually OK to eat something when I need something to munch on as long as it's not carby.

Today I woke up with a fever so my husband stayed home to take care of my son. They went out for a play date and I have had some alone time. Time alone means I can actually think without having to think about everyone else. Anyways I was thinking that one of the reasons why I was crashing yesterday is because I didn't plan my meals better. So I have decided to focus on having 3 proper meals a day. This way I will get full and it will also prevent all the random small snacking.

The other mistake I made was that I didn't drink enough water. Anyways - new day, and it will go better.

I think I have reached the crash part of week one on LCHF... I am so moody and everything is horrid :s
Need to stay focused... Need to stay strong..
I will stay focused.. I will stay strong...

Remember where you want to be, and not what you might want now.. 

I just need to stick to this and focus for few more days and it will all get good again..

Fat head!

Watching it as we speak.. I just LOVE food documentaries, and now that my son is asleep I can actually take the time to watch them all!

LCHF update..

The diet is going really well.. I have had a tad of headache, and I need to use the bathroom OFTEN, but other than that it's been going well..

I didn't manage to stay off the scale as I plann-ed and stepped on it today. I have lost almost 4lbs since I started the diet, and mind you I just started my shark week last night.. I am very happy with the numbers! But the thing I am amazed about, and it is something that I noticed already after only one day is that I am not bloated! I have had a whole lot of issues with it, but when I woke up Saturday morning, I was shocked when I looked in the mirror...

Today has been a real trial.. We had the traditional Swedish goose dinner (although we had it for lunch) at my husbands grandparents. Normally you are to have it November 10th but we had it today since they are going on vacation in a couple of days and are away for a couple of weeks. My carbs were a tad higher than I would like them to be (25grams), but I did really good and I am actually proud of my self. I skipped starters (creamy mushroom soup), I skipped most of the sides (roasted apples, apple sauce, roasted prunes, roasted potatoes), and I skipped dessert (apple cake with vanilla sauce). I also removed all the skin and fat from the meat, and only had water instead of wine. So all in all I did good, even though the carbs are higher than I would like. Who knew that I could say no to dessert...

Another thing that I am surprised by is that my calories are not as high as I thought they would be.. I set a goal of not eating over 1500 calories, but it seems like I don't have to worry about it at all even though I am adding butter/oil/mayo to almost all of my meals. (Friday 1028 cals - Saturday 1044 cals - today will be 938 cals) , and I haven't been hungry.. I am hungry as we speak but that it because the lunch I had today didn't contain enough protein, but then again it's dinner time in hour or so.

All in all this has been good. And I really believe that this is a diet that I can stick to for a good while. Hopefully I will lose some proper weight by new years and can start working out without it killing my knee's ect. By then I will have my license as well, so getting to the gym will be easier.

My next big trial will be in 3 weeks when we are celebrating my sons first birthday. I will be baking a bunch and it will be a whole lot of cake and so on around for two days. My new mantra is "Remember where you want to be and not what you think you want right now".. I guess I just need to keep remembering it, and even those days will be OK.

I hope you ladies are having a good weekend.


<3

Scale!

Every time I start on a diet and I actually do well and it shows on the scale I use it as an excuse to "reward" my self.. And sadly enough all my "rewards" are food related..

So to avoid this problem, I am going to only get on the scale twice a month! I was thinking about only doing it once a month but I think I need to see the numbers to stay motivated. I didn't get to weigh my self this morning, but I did yesterday.. I am upping that number cause well, be cause of the Chinese feast we had last night..

Next weigh in will be Nov. 15! That is two weeks from now.. I just hope I don't get disappointed when I step on it..

PS: I commented under your comments on my last post..
PSS: I just noticed my last post, was post 400! My time flies!

Oh and I also changed the page that leads to my eats.. Now it is redirected to my tumblr blog and the food page I have there.. It just makes posting easier..


Now it's Friday! Have a great weekend everyone!

LCHF!

Starting tomorrow I am going to go on LCHF diet. I am planning on staying on it until end of this year, and then see where to go from there.  I have tried Atkins before but it didn't work well for me cause I just didn't know what to eat, and as we all know a not properly planed diet is a diet you will fail on..

I've changed my goals on MFP, and it is now set to 1500 calories, 5% carbs, 25% protein and 70% fat. I know for sure that I will have a hard time upping my fat intake - but I guess this means I need to start buying "real" food instead of all the low fat stuff I normally go for. They haven't worked for me so far - so how good can they be for me anyways?

I will now be posting more pictures on the "food" blog, but I think there will be a whole lot of eggs in my upcoming future!

Around the corner...

Today my son turned 11 months!!! My time flies... He is changing so much.. So fast.. He will be walking by him self any day now... And before I have had time to blink an eye, it's January and time for him to start kindergarten...

I am dreading that day.. Dreading the day he will start doing something new and I am not there to witness it.. Dreading being away from him... I have loved before.. I love my husband.. But the love I feel for him can not be compared to anything else. I love him so much that sometimes my heard aches.. Does it make sense??
Hubby and I are talking about maybe trying for another baby next year.. Well end of next year.. But I can not imagine how it would be to have another tiny person to love. Ah well.. I guess that is something I will have to wait and see..

Him going to kindergarten means that it is time for me to go back to work.. I have told my job that I will be back January 6th.. The plan is to start part time to so that my son doesn't get stuck with day care while he is still so young. When I started my job, we were a team of 12.. All guys and me.. Couple of months before I left on maternity leave we had another girl join us.. I wasn't worried really, she being all nice and all, was 38 years old, a tad chubby and not as close as I was with the guys.. Now there are a whole bunch of new people in my team.. Including 3 new girls... This worries me...

Before I left on my maternity leave, my manager and I had a very close relationship.. I was the one taking over every time he was gone. My team mates trusted me and talked to me when something was off and I was the one taking it up with our manager.. The one who would "sweet talk" him and get things the team wanted.. We were actually mistaken for a couple by a new co-worker of ours..

When I go back.. I have been gone for 14 months.. And before that I was barely at work.. All these new people.. All the changes that have been made while I was gone worries me.. What if that connection I had with my team, with my manager is gone?? .. What if I am so much out of it that I mess up more than I do good?? Ugh...

Anyways.. In all of this mess I know one thing.. And that is that I will not be returning to work at the size and weight I am now... I know I will not be anywhere close normal weight, but I will be smaller than now.. I have not been under 100 kg since a month or so after I moved to Sweden (sadly enough around the time I started this blog), and I aim to be under 100 kg by the time I am going back to work..

I started working on this goal a couple of days ago, and have lost a couple of pounds, but we all know a couple of days in not a routine! My usual pattern is to be good a couple of days and then just jump of the wagon.. Now I just need to stick to it..

Sometimes I feel so stupid.. 80% of my thoughts goes to my weight, eats, and everything that has to do with weight loss.. While there are people dying, starving everyday..

Lately I have been thinking about how many people could have been fed with all the food I have binged on.. All the food that I just ate to purge... Or all the "diet" food I have bought and then tossed away.. All the food I in name of weight loss have let go bad and not eaten, just to replace it with junk..

I know it's not how things go, but I also know that I should have more respect for food.. For the life and blessings I have been given. Have you ever thought of how we treat food? We slaughter animals, bare mother earth and then process the hell out of it before we fry it and eat it so we can die just a little more inside..

I think if I as a person had more respect for food, where it comes from, how it's made before I put it in my body, I would be so much better off. I would be eating clean, my body would take the nutrients it needs from the food I give it.. Maybe I wouldn't then be in so much pain.. And I know for sure that I wouldn't be morbidly obese..

Imagine how different things would have been if we spend all the time and energy on hating our bodies, on taking care of it... I bet we could have achieved a whole lot more with our lives if we stopped... I know I would..

Anyways.. All this said, I think I am going to make it a new goal.

• To respect food and where it comes from
• Respect my body and make peace with it
• Stop hating everything about me and try to learn and like (and maybe even love) all my flaws

Maybe.. Just maybe, when I treat my self kindly and with respect, my body will restore it self... Wouldn't that be nice???

Plan..

This post is mostly for me getting my thoughts on "paper" - so feel free to ignore it if you wanna.

Eats

Right after waking up - Drink a large glass of water, and take a dose of vitamin mineral pill.
Breakfast - Smoothie (Recipes from this book with subs to fit local food) + Green tea
Lunch - Salad made of quiona, edame beans, avocado, mix lettuce, nuts/seeds, beans/peas/lentils, veg
Snack - Fruit, hard-boiled egg-whites, coffee
Dinner - half a portions of whatever I am making for my family topped with extra salad/veggies
Snack - Tea, 10 gram piece of dark chocolate

Workouts

30 mins of w/e that gets heart-rate up

My goal is to add 5 mins each week until I reach 60 mins, and then add 5 mins every other week until I reach 120 mins.

I was messing around with my MFP account and just realized for me to be able to reach my GW I need to lose more than half of my current body weight...

I'm still in shock... I dunno why I'm shocked, but I just can't get over it...

I am hitting yet another round of depression... An as result I am hating everything about my body... 

My not pale and not tan skin.. What is this color... 

My fat thighs.. If I read another wanna be healthy post on tumblr where they say it's sexy to have fat thighs I am going to go insane.. Get a fucking grip people - fat thighs that rub off the fabric between them, that never stop touching.. They are disgusting..

Double chin... Fuck you deeply... If we were ment to have it it wouldn't be named chin to begin with... 

Body hair... You would think fucking evolution with fix that... But  no.. Not if you are me... 

Huge upper arms... When you try on an EU size 52 and your arms don't fit cause the fabric is not stretchy .... 

Fat fingers... My wedding ring doesn't fit anymore.. And let's not forget that I was huge even then....

Fat feet... My fucking shoes I got in London couple of years ago don't fit properly cause even my feet are fat and look like a tub of lard... 

Let not forget back fat... It sure is sexy to see rolls of fat under your sweater regardless how big it is... NOT....

Today's intake is half a cup of coffee... FML... 

Another reminder of why I should make time to eat a proper breakfast....

I think I have consumed 100000000000 calories today .. I just can't stop... 

FML.. I hate days like this ... 

I was supposed to have my surgery tomorrow.. But I got my period.. And they can not do anything while you are on it.. So I had to cancel..
They put me on a list so if anyone else cancels they will call me and I get to have it done, else I'll have to wait until mid November..
So frustrated..
Lately it feels like my body is just working against me.. Like this.. My period was almost a week late.. Probably due to stress, but still... *sigh*

Doctor hunk sent me a letter along with a note to pick up some D-drops from pharmacy.. Apparently my D-levels were really low.. I don't understand how it could be cause I have been out and about whenever it's been sunny... But yeah.. The lady at the pharmacy told me I couldn't take the D-vitamin pills cause they only have like 400 points, while the drops doctor hunk wants me to take have 20000 points.. She also was "so I guess you got it bad" lol

I guess this explains why I have been so tired and out of energy - and the extra pain I have been having. The doctors note said he hoped when my D-levels are better he hopes for me to have less pain.. So we will see how it works..

I have been taking the drops for a couple of days and I actually feel a tad less tired. So I guess that's good.

Sammy : I will post pictures from the meals :) I should have done it last week, I have no idea why I haven't, but I will do it starting today!

The meals are working well for us. It's just so good to not to have to think about why we are going to have for dinner more than twice a week.. The only problem is that even though they say that the recipes are between 500-700 calories, most of the dishes have like 600-700 calories.. And they are huge portions.. I have decided to half the portion and save half for lunch the day after, and just add some more veggies or salads to what they have planned. This means I can cross another meal off my brain! So now it's just breakfast and snack to worry about and that I can handle..

A few of you guys told me to pre-cook eggs and have that for breakfast.. The idea is good, but I just gag from the thought of cold pre-cooked eggs.. I did try it once a while ago, having the egg whites for lunch, but the smell just makes me ill... So that's a no go for me. I will however try to hard boil eggs and have it when ever hubby is home and can take over the kid in the mornings. I do love eggs - I just don't cope well with the smell..


Anywho, I'm going to be off now, hubby has taken my son out and it is the first day in ages where I am having some alone time, which was needed..

Take care ladies

<3

I'm having a really hard time to follow the plan the nutritionist advised me to follow.. I don't really have much of an appetite when I wake up - and if I drink a cup of tea/coffee or something liquid, I kind of feel full for a while.. If I have a cup of tea, half a banana (I mash half for my son, so I eat the "leftover"), and a pro-bio yogurt, then I really don't have room for an omelette or sandwich as she told me to have in addition to that.. The amount of food is one thing, the other problem is that I really don't know how to fit all that food in my mornings...

My days until lunch time are pretty messy, getting breakfast ready for my son (and no it's really stressful for me to have a proper breakfast while I am feeding him) - dressing him and getting him ready for either play time, or baby song hour, or going to the park takes a while since he has reached an age that he wants to decide what we do, and getting dressed is never on his to do list... Then we spend couple of hours on those things, and before I know it it's time to feed him again, so I can put him down for a nap... Being all fussy due to him teething means I either am walking with him in the stroller, or we are driving if hubby is home for couple of hours, so he can sleep. I usually walk for a while and then grab something to eat.. I have been buying salads lately, but it is starting to get a tad expensive....

After he gets up from his naps, it's time for another feeding, and most likely a full clothing change.. Then play time - snack time... Then hubby gets home, and starts on his last meal, and gets him ready for him while I clean up and make dinner ect..

So yeah.. I am having a hard time fitting all that eating in my day.. Eating a not so healthy sandwich or grabbing a burger/toast when I'm out has been the easy way out - but I know it's not an option..

Anyways, in attempt to stay full, and to stay on track I am going to try to replace breakfast and lunch with meal replacement shakes/bars.. I have some shakes I need to drink up, and while I do that I am going to look for options with less sugar, more protein. and have fruit/yogurt for snacks..

On other news I have been doing pretty well with dinners. The delivery service works like a dream for us.. I have been adding some more veggies to their recipes since they had a whole lot of bell-pepper as sides, and hubby can't eat bell-peppers, but all in all it is working just fine for us.. The thing that surprised me the most is that the portions which are supposed to be normal sized portions are actually very filling.. I don't know why but I always thought I wouldn't feel full unless I have a huge portion, this is making me see that I do not have to have huge meals to feel full..

My weight.. I have lost like 3 lbs, but I think all the eating she wants me to do is not really helping me lose weight, so I am hoping to see it move with the new plan. I really want to get under 200lbs by the time I go back to work (I will go back to work around mid January).. That means I would have to lose around 50 lbs, and if I am to have any chance of doing it I have to stick to this plan.

Anyways ... I need to get to bed now.. Wish me luck...


<3

You need to eat more!

WTF right?? I'll get to the header soon...

I haven't been on lately.. And I am really behind on reading blogs.. I have been reading a post here or there, but I promise I will get on it asap...

Things have been so busy.. We have been pretty much sick since my birthday.. First week it was the cold, ever since my son has had tummy flu... This mean there has been an insane amount of poo... I am not joking.. I have been cleaning up poo like 10 times a day, and that's when hubby comes home and takes over.. Poor kid.. It's due to him teething but yeah.. Enough with the poo already... :s On the cute note, he started saying mamma for real yesterday.. He is too cute :) (and hubby is so jealous ^^)...

I have also had to get a vaccine.. Wikipedia tells me it's called Rubella in English.. I have been vaccinated for it when I was little, but while I was pregnant I was told I needed to "refill" the dose.. So I have been all icky and tired because of that on top of everything..

Talking about the vaccine.. I had my appointment with doctor hunk... He looks better in the picture than in real life.. He also had the most weird voice.. So light and well lets just say, he is one of those people who should just "shut it and look pretty" lol

I have also been calling the hospital MANY times since I still hadn't gotten my appointment (remember the pap smear with the bad results?).. After many calls I got a letter telling me I have an appointment to have the cells removed second of October.. Apparently the cells were cancerous.. So they will be "burning" off all the changed cells with a laser.. I am trying not to think about it.. They told me if everything goes as planned I will be good to go home the same day, and it will not have any affects on my getting pregnant later on..

What else..

Ah yes.. The "you need to eat more" part.. Well I finally visited a nutritionist yesterday.. She is a nurse who also works with nutrition at doctor hunks office.. I actually like her and what she said made a whole lot of sense..

Time and time again I have said I do good with my eats during the day, and then I overeat at dinner and so on.. And I have always thought that to lose weight you need to be hungry and feel the hunger ALL the time.. Now we are going to change all of that.. The plan is to have a BIG breakfast.. So a fruit + yogurt + tea/coffee + a sandwich or oatmeal or omelette.. What ever I add to the last part needs to have loads of protein... (You don't have to eat it all at once, but the idea is to have it all as breakfast).. Then it's lunch time.. The plan is to eat something like salad with loads of veg and protein.. So greens and something with protein + a complex carb of some sort.. Few hours later you are to have a snack.. And guess what. A piece of fruit doesn't count as a proper snack.. So if I am having fruit, I need to have some sort of protein on the side..
And then the dreaded dinner.. I am to have a plate, where I have 1/3 carbs, 1/3 protein and 1/3 veg...

I was told to buy a smaller plate, so yesterday I was at Ikea and bought a plate that is smaller than normal dinner plates.. I am also going to meet her again in two months, and that's when we will plan the diet in more details if needed.. So yeah.. The idea is to eat more during the day, so I eat less during dinner time and so on.. And to never get to the "I'm starving" point to prevent binges from happening.. Makes sort of sense, doesn't it?

Now that we are talking about food.. Let me tell you about this wonderful wonderful thing... So there is this service where it provides you with 5 dinners, with recipes, and they deliver almost everything you need once a week to your home.. We have ordered a trial pack from them, and if it works for us, I am going to have them deliver every week... The dinners are planned for 4 portions.. And they actually have the calories pre-calculated! I am so sick of always thinking about food and planning it - this means I have a meal less to think about! And the bright side is also that when we cook the meals, it is easy to divide it into 4, letting hubby have two, put one in the fridge for his lunch the day after, and leave one portion for my dinner..

If there isn't more food left to overeat from, then I guess I won't be overeating will I??? ... The service still leaves two dinners a week open for dinners out, and so on.. Oh did I mention the service will save us money?? At the end of the month, our food budget will go down with like couple of hundred dollars depending on what we eat during the weekends... It might not be much, but it is still plenty :) I REALLY hope it works and that the food isn't all yucky, cause I am so fucking sick of thinking about food... Planning it, thinking of it... All of it...

Other news is that my drivers license course starts tomorrow.. Tomorrow I have this class I need to attend, and I have my first driving lesson with the school next Wednesday! I am really looking forward to have the license, and the freedom it gives me.. Specially during the yucky Scandinavian winter months..

I think this should cover everything that has happened or will happen soon.. And I promise, I will get on reading the blogs soon (idea is to get on it this weekend)..

<3

Can't get this song out of my head!

Blah.....

Remember the pap smear I had and they told me I had to remove some stuff?? I still haven't gotten the freaking appointment... I called the hospital and they told me I probably wouldn't get an appointment this month either.... Anyways, I am going to see the midwife who took the test and see if she can push up the appointment.. I really hope to be able to have it done during this month, but I highly doubt it :s

I have also made an appointment to see doctor hunk next Wednesday.. I am going to talk to him about the fibromyalgia, see if there is any new treatments out there, and I am going to see if I can get any help with my weight.. This friend of mine who lives in Greek was introduced to this diet from her doctor and she has lost around 90lbs the last year.. Who knows, maybe there is something he recommends that will work for me... 

Anyways.. That's it for now... 

<3 

September...

So September is here... I did not reach my 3 month weight goal as you all know...
I turned 31 yesterday and I haven't really reached any of the goals I had made for my self... My day wasn't good really... I started the day crying.. I don't really know why, but I was crying all morning. And then the day didn't get any better with my running a fever, and I barely had any voice.

I feel better today.. More hopeful I guess. My fever is almost gone but I still don't really have much of a voice.. I am going to have my husbands family over for cake and coffee on Saturday - but I guess my real celebration was when my bff was here. We went out and a much needed girls night out..

Anywho, I had planned to write a proper post but I'm all woozy, so the post will have to wait.. I promise a proper post soon though..

<3

Remember how I said I had registered the whole family to this new clinic? Seems like this is going to be our new doctor!!!! (Got an info thingi in the mail today) 

Is it just me or is e FREAKING HOT.... 

Not doing so well...

So I fully crashed... And it scared the shit out of me cause I was carrying my son, and everything went black, and I was so scared I would let go of him, or fall down holding him, hurting him.. After that I dropped the whole idea of not eating during the day... I rather be fat than hurting my baby...

But then again.. I don't want to, can not stay fat.. I have been thinking and actually talked about it with hubby.. I figured my options would be strict counting and planning everything, going on a VLCD diet, or do a strict low carb diet. As you guys know, I have done them all, and failed at them all.. So what are my options??? ... Counting always puts me in a trigger point.. I eat cause there is room in my budget, I do good for a few days and go on a huge binge.. VLCD diets work.. But then there is the insane mood swings, the lack of energy, headaches... And I always always stop cause I feel to sick when I am at it...
So the thing that is left is going on a strict low carb diet. I have started on it slowly today.. Thinking of what I should be eating, talking about how the diet works with my husband.. And we have talked about how we can work it into being family meals..

The idea is to make whatever I can eat, and cook some pasta/potatoes/rice or whatever on the side for hubby.. I am also finally ask to get forms to register the whole family at this new private family clinic that is a tiny walk away from our place.. And I am going to make an appointment and have a proper chat with the doctor about the diet. I am also going to have my bloodworks done, and ask to have them redone once a month just to make sure that nothing goes wrong..

I have also been reading more and more about how food and my fibromyalgia pain go hand in hand, so I am going to try to stay gluten and wheat free (properly) to see if it actually helps the pain.. So if I can lose weight, and get rid of some or even maybe all of the pain I have.. Well that would be a win win situation now wouldn't it..

Anyways... That's how things are as far as my weight goes..

There has been other things happening.. I have finally registered with a school to get on with my drivers license. I bought this intensive course pack that covers all the tests that I need to take before I can get my license.. It also includes 30 driving lessons, and to be able to have them all right after eachother I had to wait a tad.. So I will start with this one part the 20th of September, and the driving lessons start the 25th, and if everything goes as planned I will be able to apply to get my license by mid November :)

My birthday is also coming up.. It's a week from tomorrow.. My bff is coming to visit on Thursday and she will be staying with us until Sunday before she has to go back to Oslo.. I am really looking forward to having her here.. I have also asked her to baby sit so hubby and I can go out on Friday night.. It will be our first date in ages.. Even before the baby was born, I was too heavy and in too much pain for us to have any proper dates.. So I am really looking forward to it.

I also got an early birthday pressy from hubby :) I got a new laptop and so far I love it... I am not using it now since it is downloading and prepping all it's programs, but it should be ready soon and I can not wait to "play" with it.. It is a Samsung  and apart from it being a really good laptop, it's also ttly cute hehe... I got the white one, and it is truely one of the prettiest PC's I have ever owned..

Oh and we are looking into moving again.. This time we will take our time and buy a place where we can live for years to come... I am so sick of moving...

I guess this is it for now..

Wish me luck, and I hope this time around I wont disappoint you or my self...


<3

This whole avoiding to eat during the day is going well, I am down 7 lbs already!

Today I was really proud of my self, we were at the shopping mall, and I went to get a Cappucchino at my fav coffee shop.. I had been at the food court earlier to feed my son and all the smells.. Everything I was STARVING! Then while I was waiting in line to order my coffee I was infront of their huge collection of cakes, cookies, pancakes ect and I really wanted something.. However I closed my mind and thought of the number I saw only a couple of days ago.. I got my coffee and I was off! These sort of things don't normally happen with me cause I don't practice self control.

I have however noticed that both yesterday and today I have eaten WAY too much for dinner.. I am overly stuffed eventhough it has been within my calorie budget (my goal is to stay under 1000 calories).. So it is not hard to see that I need to take this to the next step.. Being from middle east my main problem is rice.. I LOVE it.. I can have it with almost everything.. But a cup of rice being 200 cals, and for me one portion of it being 1,5-2 cups means I eat too much of it..

So I have now decided to limit my rice and have it twice a week.. It would be stupid of me to plan to not have it at all cause I know I would crave it too much, and it could end up in a binge.. So twice a week.. I can do that!

I also want to use this post to thank you all for your support. Things get hard, but each of you inspire me in your own way and that makes things somehow easier.

Josie, I don't really have any medical issues ex. from my fibromyalgia.. I do however tend to get acidic stomach pains (after years and years of being wrongly medicated for my fibromyalgia my stomach is pretty fucked... I guess the b/p sessions haven't helped it either).. I don't take any meds but some painkiller when the pain is too much for me to deal with (right now I take a mix of paracetamol, and ibuprofen), and I use chewing pills for the stomach acid when it's needed... I don't really have the option of seeking a nutritionist right now, and I don't really have a proper doctor after I moved to Sweden.. I guess I should make sure to register so I have someone to talk to..

How long would you say it is "safe" for me to stay under 1000 cals without totaly fucking up my metabolism? I was thinking about maybe keep at it until I reach my second GW, which is 198lbs - and then up the cals and add some proper exercise. Right now exercising is not an option, well unless you count walking as exercise.. I do walk for 1-2 hours a days most days, and I do run/carry/play with my son a whole bunch... I just don't want to count them as exercise so I don't use it as an excuses to eat more.. What do you think about this idea?

Trigger alert!

Please do not read this post, if you might get trigged, and if you are trying to stay healthy..











Today... Well today things got even worst... After yet another failed attempt on sticking to a diet, and ofc overeating I have reached yet another high weight... Ladies.. I have hit 116kg... Or 256lbs if you like it... So fuck it...

This worked for me before...

- Skip meals as long as you can until dinner time
I mean I normally do OK during the day and eat too big of a meal at dinner time - so why eat during the day at all??? Filling up with tea, coffe, water works.. So the plan is to stick to that, and if I get REALLY hungry, I can have a piece of fruit.. And before dinner to avoid a huge binge, I will have a can of weight-watchers (112 calories) soup and or a protein shake.. Even with a huge dinner, I doubt my calories will go over 1000... And then I figured if I was to have a bad day with food it still be under my weekly calorie goal...


Now I know I can not go on like this forever... But I will keep at it as long as I can...

I even told hubby... I gave him the numbers... I told him to stay off my eating or not eating... AND I have decided that if I do not lose the weight until we have had the next baby (we want to try for another next year) after the baby is born, I will apply to get a gastric surgary... If I don't do it by then - I never will.. So this is an ultimatum... To me... I will get rid of this weight one way or another..

You know... My body aches.. My knees ache after the stroller walks I go on with my son... I seem to have a problem getting comfortable sitting... Laying down... Everything aches..

So fuck it... I have a limited time before my son will notice my eating habits.. So it is now or never..

Tomorrow it starts.. For real...

What a week...

This week has had a whole lot of ups and downs.. More downs than up I'm afraid..
As much as I was annoyed with my family being here I was glad my mum was here - cause couple of days ago my uncle who lives in Dubai (The one who walked me down the isle, which my mother doesn't normaly get along with), texted me that their older brother had died.

I want to start with saying that my mum has 3 brothers, one couple of years older than her, one couple of years younger than her, and the youngest one which is 3 years older than me. My oldest uncle he was a very very kind man. Always so loving, thinking and wanting the best for others.. And life being what it is (Specially for those living in Iran now) he ended up involved in drugs years ago, and eventhough our family has tried to get him to rehab times and times again, he never got sober.

My grandma and them are saying what happened to him was an accident (they say he fell off a bridge), but I am pretty sure he commited suicide.. He got 55 years old.. He has two kids in their mid/late teens.. The fall broke his spine, they say that he had a day in surgary, and the result was him being paralized from waist down.. A week later he died...

As much as this is breaking my heart, I think he is in a better place now. He hadn't been living for years.. He just was there.. And this horrible situation, has brought my mothers family together. I'm glad she was here when I gave her the news, cause else I don't know how she would handle it.

It really makes one think... Life can be over before you know it..




Thank you all for always being there for me.. I have said it before, I say it again... Some of you mean the world to me even though I don't know you in "real life"...

I will be back tomorrow with another post, numbers ect.. For now.. Just remember life is short.. Do something that makes you happy.. Really happy....


<3

It's been less than a day since my "family" arrived.. And I already feel like I need to stab someone....
Taking a breather in another room now...

Srsly.. FML for never fucking learn to say no when they want to come over... When will I fucking learn??

The plan!

OK, I know I said I wouldn't be posting the plan until later on, but I have it pretty much figured out - soooo I thought why not.

As I said I am planning on following Rusty Moore's the author of the fitnessblackbook.com
I have decided to just F the micro's and go for the main number which is calories - and the amount of calories I am planning to eat is 1440 calories a day. The idea is to do this: Goal Weight in Pounds x (hours working out per week + 9.5) = Calories. I have decided to put up 120lbs as my ugw and that is the number I am using to figure out the calories. I am thinking to aim to work out 2.5 hours a week.. So, 120 x (2.5+9.5) = 1440 calories, a day.  (10080 a week).

I am also going to aim for a weekly count (just like seekingsomethingelse does) - instead of daily.. We all have days where we eat out, or when there is something which we can't control like birthdays ect, and with a weekly budget I think I can have a day where I can eat a tad more instead of feeling all sick and guilty cause I "ate too much"... Does it make sense?

As far as the exercise goes, I think 2,5 hours is something I can achieve, I can either divide it and do 30 mins a day, or I can do 2-3 longer sessions. I am not going to aim to work out so and so many hours a day, cause lets face it - with a kid, I never know if I have the time or the energy to devote my self to anything more.

We have decided that hubby is going to stay home on Wednesdays and use a "daddy day" after his vacation is over, so if nothing more I knowI will be able to hit the gym on Wednesdays and one day during the weekend. I am also going to focus on cardio and resistance training.

I think I will be keeping the calories to the same amount since it is what I would need to eat to maintain the weight I want to reach, but I will be changing the work-outs as I get stronger.

And at last and not least, I think I am going to put my scale away and only weigh-in every two weeks. Do a body scan once a month - and also take my measurements every two months. I feel like I am becoming more and more depressed every time I step on the scale - it's dictating my mood. I still want to have control over the numbers, so I think sticking to spesific weigh-in, measurement days will do that.

Now that this is out of the way, I thought I would mention something even more personal. Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary.. Can you believe how fast time has gone by???

Here are a few pictures from our day ( I will have to remove them later as a promise to hubby as always, but yeah)

Edit to remove pictures

Last Tuesday was also a special day for us. My son turned 8 months... I still have a hard time believing how fast he is growing. Last week I gave him a haircut cause his hair was so long it kept getting in his eyes, annoying him. He looks so much older after his cut (that's what I think, but no one agrees with me hehe).. Anyways, here is a picture from my little sunshine.. (Everyone says he looks like me eventhough he has his daddy's eye and hair color, what do you guys think?)

Edit to remove pictures

Anyways, I guess it's time to round up this post. I hope you all have a great week ahead.


<3

I'm so f---ing stupid!!!!

I was reading Seeking something else's post and it was so clear... I have been so stupid.. So I mean.. I got visual impact for woman by Rusty Moore, not long after I started my blog.. To be more exact in March 2011... It means I have had it for over 2 years.. During these two years.. My weight has gone up and up and up... I have reached the most horrible sickening number.. And yes.. It is about the numbers.. None of us can say it is not...

My weight today is 251lbs, or 114kg if you rather have it in kg..

This is the first time I actually admit it to someone.. I mean yeah.. The number is up there in my "weight" tab.. But no one really gets updated on those tabs... So this is it.. Me admitting how bad it has gotten is step one..

I also know why I keep stuffing my face.. I know I have a problem with the way I deal with food.. For me emotions are directly connected to food... I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I eat when I'm happy.. I eat when I'm sad.. I eat when there is something to do.. I eat when I don't have anything to do... I eat when I don't want to eat... I eat, and eat.. and then I eat some more..

It doesn't matter how many books I read.. I many plans I make... Until I don't learn to deal with my emotions, instead of eating them, I wont be able to get rid of this weight...

Now... I am not giving up... I never give up...

I got raped when I was 10... I survived that.. I didn't give up on my life... It has been a bumpy road, yes.. But look at me now.. I have a wonderful husband and the most amazing little boy..
When my mother didn't love me.. While she still puts me down, manipulates me.. Whatever... I moved on and I survived... I have my own family now..
When my ex dumped me two weeks before I was moving to Netherlands for him, I didn't give up... I had no job, no place to live.. Nothing... But I made it...

When my step-dad was abusing me, I put on the weight to protect my self.. I always thought it would make him go away.. And it didn't... So why do I keep the weight?? ... I mean.. I don't need it anymore do I?

After everything I have been through, I can not let this one win over me.. I am much stronger than that.. But you know what?? - I'm too fucking comfortable to change... I have someone who loves me.. I have a job.. I have a home.. Why would I change???.. I never change or do something unless I have to.. I never do something for me cause it is the best for me.. I deal with things when I have to, or I deal with things when I need to do something for someone else.. My friends, my husband.. Now my son.. I do everything for them.. But I don't do it for my self..

I guess, I never learned to love my self, and do things for my self growing up... I have to learn to do things for me... I keep saying I will (remember how much I talked about it when I was pregnant??) - but the reality of it is that I'm all talk...

OK.. Let me round up this wall of text and get down to it...

My "loving mother" and my "lovely sister" are coming to stay with us (lets not get into how she mindfucked to get this to happen...... but yeah)... for a whole week... They are coming on Wednesday, and will be leaving on Tuesday the week after! So I have 5 days before they come and I need to get a kick start..

So I am going to stick to protein shakes, eggwhite omlettes, veggies, fruit and my go to WW soup...

While they are here, we will be eating out a whole lot and my plan is to stick to salads as much as possible. eat light and drink a whole lot.. And when they leave, my plan is to actually do it.. Properly... Follow Rusty's plan.. Do the cardio, do the work-outs, and do the diet... How.. I will get back to.. I am going to think it through and plan something that is OK for where I am so I don't crash and give up..

I am also going to get on the scale tomorrow morning, On Thursday morning, and then again on Wednesday after my "family" has left. I will post my fightplan (yeah fight plan I have to fight my self to actually do this), either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.

In addition to my eating goals I also want to take more care of my self, put on some make-up, even if it's just a touch of mascara... Do something to my hair instead of just have it in a messy bun, cause I don't have time to do anything else.. And just do one small thing for my self..


I wanna round up this post by thanking each and everyone of you guys for reading my rant, and being there.. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this blog.. So thanks <3

Have a great weekend ladies, and wish me luck!

I had a great start to my week last week... I lost a bunch of weight, but then it went all to hell... And there is nothing to blame it on ex. from my lack of willpower..

I've decided to to make some changes... I mean.. My son turns 8 months tomorrow and I am fatter than ever.. My joints are aching, and the new thing is my knees.. I think my weight is finally getting to them too... *sigh*

The last few days I have actually been thinking about applying for a gastric bypass or whatever it's called.. The point of the matter is, that it wouldn't help.. I would probably be one of those people who get it, keep binging and gain all the weight back..

I'm going to do something about it.. I am not going to be one of those people.. I don't care how anymore.. I am just going to do it..

I have been taking chromium pills since last Monday and it has done wonders for my appetite and sugar cravings but the fatty that I am I have forced fed my self that last few days.. I have been so uncomfortable ... So full... But still... I just couldn't stop my self... Then I broke down and starting crying to hubby saying I will never lose the weight...

To make it short.. I am yet again fed up....

Anyways, my goals for the rest of this year are:

• Hit the gym 5 times a week 

I don't care how long I stay there, and how much I exercise.. I am going to get my butt there... And I am thinking this way I should get used to go to the gym, and just do it...

• No more "dinner"

I am not cutting out dinner, I am just cutting out dinner in the terms that I eat.. For me dinner means 1-2 HUGE plates of food where I stuff my face with LOADS of carbs.. My goal is to replace it with light options such as salads, soups, grilled veggies, fruits.

• No eating after 8PM.

Who am I kidding... I keep doing good, and I go on a binge fest as soon as it's dinner time, and I just keep going.. I know there will be times where I will have late dinner due to family gatherings, but those are exceptions.. This is going to be the norm.. I know I will have days where I will feel like I HAVE to eat something, and for those days fruits, berries and air-popped popcorn are allowed..

I am unsure about a whole lot of things, but there is one thing I am sure of.. and that is that I will not give up until I have reached my goal.. One way or another... I will get there...

Boo boo!!!

Can someone please explain the whole honey booboo stuff for me.... I mean I have seen snippets of the thing (mostly on Ellen) - but srsly all I have seen is a fat family being fat.. So why do people bother with it??

Please explain..

Do you think reaching your goal weight will make you happy?? ( happy in sense of proper happiness - feeling content ect ) 

I'm so lonely.. So lonely that my body aches.. I feel sick.. I feel like my head is going to explode .. I'm just so freaking lonely... 

No one understands how bad it is.. Maybe no one cares... 

I don't know how long I can keep going like this... If it wasn't for my little boy, I don't think I would... 

Cleanse part 3...

The cleanse is going to hell... I keep doing well during the day and have a horrid evenings...
So I am going to try something else..

My new plan is to eat every 2-3 hours, and instead keep it clean and low cal.. Anyways.. Lets see how this goes...

Here just as I thought hubby was grossed out by me he sends me flowers!!

 

Cleanse update...

I did good all day until around time and then I had the mother of all binges... It was bad... And believe it or not it was the first time hubby saw me having one of my insane binges and well he was shocked :S I think sometimes he just doesn't really know how bad things have been and can be...

Any who I have been thinking about it and to avoid another binge I have decided to add nuts and seeds to the diet - I am also going to add lentils, and use that to make this veggie lentil soup for dinner. And of course this means I have to start practicing portion control ... Now I'm gonna focus and make today a better day! 

Cleanse..

Starting tomorrow until next Sunday, I am going on a fruit/veggie cleanse. With expection of my morning pro-bio drink. (It's 100ml - 28 calories, and it does wonders for your tummy)... 

Anyways, I feel like I am soo full of food that there isn't a cm left for more food in my body (Yes yes, I know fruits and veggies are also food, but you know what I mean!)... I feel bloated, full.. And lets face it, fatter than ever... 

So ... Now that we are talking about my fat. I am back at my highest weight again... Instead of using this last 6 months to lose weight, I have been gaining weight.. I look and feel horrible.. Like really horrible.. 

If this thing goes well.. I might just keep at it for a while.. I just need to keep reminding my self that the first week is the hard one.. Specially the first 3 days when the body is purging all the toxins... 

Over to something not so gloomy.. We were at this store, and I saw this bracelet I loved and he got it for me.. It costed 50 dollars but it was 30% off so it was a good buy.. It's been ages since I got something pretty, or asked him to get me something pretty that isn't home/ baby related.. It's cute, right?? 

Anyways, I'm off for now.. Hope you all are having a great weekend.. 

<3 

Need to...

Need to face the scale tomorrow...
Need to get on track..
Need to lose weight...

Shark week!

Every since I got my period back after my son was born, my periods have been hell... I used to have it for like 3-4 days where of two were barely anything.. Rarely had any cramps or anything.. The only thing that I used to notice was the mood change and the need for chocolate the day before it started.. 

Now, I enter this really bad depression mode a couple of days before I get my period.. I have cramps that make me cry, and it lasts for 7-8 days... As if it is not enough I also have labor like cramps when it's around the time I'm ovulating.. 

Anywho.. All in all the last been has been really bad.. I have been doing OK with my food compared to what I would normaly do, but yeah - I am not getting on the scale until this is over.. I think (I hope) this round of hell is over by Monday- Tuesday.. 

I am going to reread You can be thin , I am also going to download the  CD to my cellphone and do the meditation every night. As everything else I do, I never did this properly.. So hopefully it will be working better this time around.. I have a long list of books I want to reread, or finish reading.. Intuitive eating, why we get fat and what to do about it, the end of overeating and The CR way

I also just finished reading, feeling for bones and the best little girl in the world (random fact, I just noticed there is a whole video/movie based on this movie on youtube, when I googled the title to link the book here... I think I might have to take a look at it later) ... I do want to read Skinny ... But I guess I need a break from these books.. 

I had a talk to hubby today.. My weight has become a subject lately.. Or more, me losing weight, and then trying for another baby... Funny how there is a chance that things can go wrong cause of what I mentioned few posts ago (btw thank you so much for all your comments, e-mail, and thought on that matter.. It has really made things a tad easier to deal with.. I just hope that I get my docs appointment soon and can have it all overwith).... 

Anyways.. I hope you are all having a great weekend.. Oh and welcome to my new followers and thanks for your lovely comments.. Please, leave me the link to your blogs so I can follow you back.. 

You know you are fat when...

1. it's summertime and your sweat pours down when you go for a walk
2. you stay at a hotel, and you can not use the normal towels cause it wont cover anything but part of your boobs and back..
3. you need a beach towel to dry up.. You are a beach whale
4. you pass a mirror and think "who's that fatty" and realize it's you
5. you can not fit into your size L tights
6. you have rub sore between your thighs because your thighs are so huge they wont stop rubbing against each other
7. your high heeled shoes wont fit properly cause you have fat sticking over the shoe line
8. wearing a hold-in pantihoe will make your back look like a hippo stacking on fat
9. you can not wear a buttoned shirt, cause your boobs are so huge the buttons wont hold for long
10. when your upper arms are so huge, they wont fit into normal size sleeves
11. you do not remember the last time you didn't have a double chin
12. your nose keeps growing larger
13. you can not wear any of your rings
14. finding a cute necklace is like finding a goldmine, cause your neck is so huge the elephants look skinny next to you.. 
15. you wear black regardless the season to look a tad smaller
16. you have to spend 20 bucks more than your friend for the same shirt cause yours is so huge, it could be a tent
17. you can only shop on the "BIB" sections of the store, and even then you wont find a bra that fits
18. when you have been wearing the same cloths over and over and over that you don't remember if they are black or grey... 
19. You find the only beautiful thing about you is your eyes and lips.. They don't grow fat it seems.. 
20. you can not wear a purse over your shoulder cause it wont go pass your huge upper arms 
21. the michelin tyre dude looks skinny next to you 

5lbs down - 5 to go until the end of month.. Possible?? Lets hope so!

According to the Wiifit scale/bodyscan thingi - I weigh 3.3 lbs less today than I did yesterday when I did a body scan (and they were around the same time aka around 9PM our local time) ! I really hope it's true..


Oh and I forgot.. Happy midsummer ^^ We went and watched the dance and stuff today.. It is a real "Swed" thing to do.. It was actually kind of fun because in the middle of the show my son started kicking and  waving his arms and legs as if he was dancing hehe - and after a couple of minutes he started "singing" along going "blallalalagahgahga" really loud too lol .. He sure got the attention of the dancers, and they couldn't stop giggeling at him ^^

Here is a tad of info about the Swedish Midsummer: (Copied from wikipedia)

weden[edit]

Midsummer celebration, Årsnäs, Sweden

Midsummer Dance by Anders Zorn, 1897

In modern Sweden, Midsummer's Eve and Midsummer's Day (Midsommarafton and Midsommardagen) were formerly celebrated on 23 June and 24 June, but since 1953 the celebration has been moved to the Friday and Saturday between 19 June and 26 June with the main celebrations taking place on Friday. It is one of the most important holidays of the year in Sweden, and probably the most uniquely Swedish in the way it is celebrated. When Sweden got its National day (6 June), discussions were held about making Midsummer the Swedish national day because of the strong civil celebration on this day.

Raising and dancing around a maypole (majstång or midsommarstång) is an activity that attracts families and many others. Before the maypole is raised, greens and flowers are collected and used to cover the entire pole. People dancing around the pole listen to traditional music and sing songs such as Små grodornaassociated with the holiday. Some wear traditional folk costumes or crowns made of wild springs and wildflowers on their heads. The year's first potatoes, soused herring and pickled herring, chives, sour cream, beer, snaps and the first strawberries of the season are on the menu. Drinking songs (snapsvisor) are also important at this feast, and many drink heavily.

Because Midsummer was thought to be one of the times of the year when magic was strongest, it was considered a good night to perform rituals to look into the future. Traditionally, young people pick bouquets of seven or nine different flowers and put them under their pillow in the hope of dreaming about their future spouse. In the past it was believed that herbs picked at Midsummer were highly potent, and water from springs could bring good health. Greenery placed over houses and barns were supposed to bring good fortune and health to people and livestock; this old tradition of decorating with greens continues, even though most don't take it seriously. To decorate with greens was called att maja (to may) and may be the origin of the word majstång, maja coming originally from the month May. Other researchers say the term came from German merchants who raised the maypole in June because the Swedish climate made it impossible to find the necessary greens and flowers in May, and continued to call it a maypole. Today, however, it is most commonly called a "midsommarstång" (literally midsummer pole).

In earlier times, small spires wrapped in greens were erected; this probably predates the maypole tradition, which is believed by many to have come from the continent in the Middle Ages. Others argue that some form of Midsummer pole occurred in Sweden during the pre-Christian times, and was a phallic fertility symbol, meant to impregnate the earth, but as there were no records from those times it cannot be proven, and this idea might just be a modern interpretation of the pole's form. The earliest historical mention of the maypole in Sweden is from the Middle Ages. Midsummer was, however, linked to an ancient fertility festival which was adapted into St. John's Day by the church, even though it retained many pagan traditions, as the Swedes were slow to give up the old heathen customs. The connection to fertility is naturally linked to the time of year. Many young people became passionate at Midsummer, and this was accepted, probably because it resulted in more childbirths in March which was a good time for children to be born.

In Denmark and Norway midsummer is referred to as the eve of Skt. Hans but it's only in Sweden that it has kept its original name.

In Sweden and parts of Finland, the tradition of bonfires is not part of Midsummer but rather of the "Valborg's" evening festivities, when winter leaves are burned for summer.